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Building a future *may trigger*

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Building a future *may trigger*

Postby supersophie » Sat Apr 14, 2018 2:05 pm

Hi everyone.

I’ve been reading so many posts on this forum over the last few days and have been completely inspired by you all. You are all such strong women.

So I joined the forum today to basically write down for the first time my story and see if it helps me make sense of everything.

My mother died when I was very young. I only have one or two very vague memories of her but I do know how harrowing it was for so many people to lose her. I am from a fortunate background. We’ve never been poor, my dad has a senior job, we are from a beautiful part of the U.K with a lovely home to grow up in, I had a good education and now a good career (I’m 26 now). I have honestly been blessed.

Ok. Deep breath.

I was I think 7 when my dad first began to touch me and we first began a fully sexual relationship on my 9th birthday. I want to make clear that he was never once violent to me or anything other than loving and caring. He was in every respect a normal dad doing his best parenting alone in what I understand must have been horrendous circumstances. But the line between a normal father/daughter relationship was of course blurred - something which I suppose was completely normalised to the point where I thought nothing of it.

That element of our relationship has been complex but more or less permanent since it began.

Nevertheless I’m now 26 and live away from home focusing on my career. In every respect I have a normal life and always have - with the exception of the sexual element.

Last year I met a man and things have gotten serious, to the point where I think (hope) there might even be a proposal soon. Dad knows about him and that things have to change between us.

At this stage I’m so deeply confused about what happens next. I’ve never told anyone about the other side of my life. My boyfriend can’t ever know, I’m terrified of what he might think and others finding out. I’m also scared about Dad - I know he loves me but how do we move on, how do I move on emotionally and separate my old life from my new, and how will our relationship be when it becomes a normal one? I’m scared I could lose so much, and I’m having to internalise all my anxiety because I’m not sure anyone could understand.

I also know what has happened is wrong. I know it isn’t normal. I do not feel like I was abused, I haven’t suffered in the way others have. But I am concerned my attitudes to love, relationships and particularly sex might have been altered from the norm. Is my perspective on the world warped? Have I been conditioned to think in ways that arent appropriate? Ive always assumed my sexual relationship with him was simply an expression of normal father/daughter love. We loved each other so we had sex and that’s it. But I know how warped that must appear and so I know I must be wrong. But I don’t feel it. Does that mean there is something deeply wrong with me that must be ironed out or Can I just build a new life without somehow dealing with it?

I’m not particularly sure if this forum can help. But I thought if I just take a deep breath and get this out there for the first time perhaps it might help.

Thanks for reading and I hope this doesn’t upset anyone - particularly those who have suffered. This is a big moment in my life and I feel like I’m drowning.
Last edited by seabreezeblue on Sat Apr 14, 2018 9:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added trigger warning to title.. no further changes.
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby Terry E. » Sat Apr 14, 2018 10:14 pm

supersophie wrote:

My mother died when I was very young.

I also know what has happened is wrong. I know it isn’t normal. I do not feel like I was abused, I haven’t suffered in the way others have. But I am concerned my attitudes to love, relationships and particularly sex might have been altered from the norm.



If you have read much here you realise that this stuff is way beyond what normal people deal with. The 99% of the world that never see this stuff personally do not understand it, so I would not tell your boyfriend, maybe never maybe at some other time.

Have you talked this over with your dad?? (the stopping part)

I wish I could take longer to reply as there is just so much there, but he hurt himself too. He should have looked for a more appropriate partner before.

You have so much to think about but it starts with you and your father having a long talk.

I wish you luck.
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby avatar123 » Mon Apr 16, 2018 5:20 am

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like in the absence of your mother, your father confused his love for you with his love for her, which is hugely inappropriate for a young daughter. I've seen similar cases to yours, it does happen that if it begins at an early enough age, it can seem normal and the girl is not aware of how inappropriate it is, having no real basis for comparison. We all assume that our upbringing and experience as children was normal. It's not until you get out in the world and create other relationships that you realize it was wrong.

So I would maybe lead with that when discussing with your father, as Terry suggested. Obviously it has to end and he should understand exactly why, and there should be no consequence for you in terms of his relationship with you, or love for you. He owes you that at the very minimum. I would make it clear those are the only terms in which you can move forward, and that would be only if keeping him in your life is something you really want to do. It's your life and your future potential for happiness that's at stake here, so you get to call the shots. That's entirely and completely fair.

Then you might also consider therapy as means of understanding how this has affected you, and be better able to adjust to a normal relationship with your future fiancé. That would help you to answer the question of what happens next, and how to be happy in that relationship. This would be important as the dynamic of that relationship will be very different. That's something a normal upbrininging would have prepared you for, but now you're at somewhat of a disadvantage.

Last thing would be the decision on whether to eventually explain this to your future fiance. Therapy would help you with that as well, in fact you could tell your therapist these are your goals. That's important because it's the kind of secret that can come between people in a close relationship. You'll want to have the skills to bridge that issue when/if it arises, and keep the relationship intact. Often what happens when the survivor tells the significant other, is that the survivor then becomes their support & counselor as they try to deal with it and understand.

Anyway, not trying to tell you what to do, you would know better than me, since you've lived it. Just hate the idea of you losing out on love or happiness because of this. You really deserve to be happy, and I hope you will keep that in mind as a first principle, as you consider this.
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby supersophie » Tue Apr 17, 2018 7:07 am

I’m so grateful to you both for taking the time to reply. It’s felt like such a weight lifted just actually saying for the first time what the situation is.

Of course you are both right. We need to have a conversation. I don’t want to hurt him, I still love him. But it’s going to be hard as we’ve never known anything different. It’s not been that I’ve been unhappy, I always have been. But I think it’s now about being normal.

You are right that other people don’t understand and my boyfriend could never do so. I’ve always known this was a secret life but it’s just too much effort now to hide everything.

I’m seeing Dad this weekend as it’s his birthday. I’m not sure that will be the right time. Normally we go away on his birthday and stay in a nice hotel somewhere but not this year, but it’s clear that everything starts with that conversation.

Thank you so much for not being judgemental and being so kind. I really appreciate it.

Sophie xx
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby oyster123 » Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:58 am

I'm curious what happened with this. Did you manage to stop it with your dad?
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby supersophie » Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:02 pm

oyster123 wrote:I'm curious what happened with this. Did you manage to stop it with your dad?


Hi thanks for asking. The truth is it’s very complex but no, i decided not to end things with Dad. It was too big a step for now.
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby Snaga » Fri Oct 05, 2018 6:56 pm

supersophie wrote:
oyster123 wrote:I'm curious what happened with this. Did you manage to stop it with your dad?


Hi thanks for asking. The truth is it’s very complex but no, i decided not to end things with Dad. It was too big a step for now.


Understood. I've been friends online with a young woman much in your shoes. It's easy to be angry with your dad, from the outside. But for you this has become a normal display of love, no?

In fact.. oh a couple years ago, there was a young man in PF who pretty much had the same conundrum with his mom. I can't remember if his father had died, or abandoned them. The story, save that he still lived at home, is quite similar. She began with him at a young age, etc. He hadn't met a special young lady yet, but you know, was wanting to move on. We never did hear back if he managed to resolve things with his mom, or not. Like you, he didn't want to hurt her and worried she'd be lonely, you know? Understandable.

You hadn't mentioned the boyfriend. Are y'all still together? I can't imagine how you could end this, without hurting your dad, or somehow having that secret, second life. It'd be a rare fellow that was understanding.. much less, accommodating. Only in my old age can I see my own self being, well, not in automatic ass-kicking mode. More empathetic than I used to be, I suppose.
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby Snaga » Fri Oct 05, 2018 7:16 pm

Even between consenting adults, it's illegal there, if I recall- another reason that you could probably never tell a significant other, unless you were really, really sure about them. If they went to the police, would perhaps wind up badly for your dad, maybe even yourself. I don't know how enthusiastically they pursue that kind of thing over there, but it's something to keep in mind, if a boyfriend/husband, got so angry that they reported it. I do not envy your situation, sweetie. Gentle hugs, and hoping you and your dad can eventually move into a healthier type of relationship.
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby supersophie » Mon Oct 08, 2018 12:56 pm

Thank you. I decided to end it with my boyfriend. It was too difficult making it work and the risks were too great. He saw some photos on my phone dad took when we were having sex, and I had to make out like it was an ex boyfriend (his face wasn’t in the photos) but he was really unhappy and I just had to make a decision. It’s better for everyone this way.
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Re: Building a future *may trigger*

Postby Snaga » Mon Oct 08, 2018 6:50 pm

Oh I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie.

I don't feel.. judgmental. Between consenting adults, I have no problem, in fact I list it among my fetishes (but more between siblings). But I don't approve, either. It's unhealthy, it certainly began under the umbrella of child abuse, and to this day it seems (to me) as if it's still robbing you of your life. It's frustrating- not a regular childhood, and even as an adult, messing up your chances to have your own relationship, your own man, family, life. I find it hard to be forgiving of your dad, on account of those things.

But he's your dad, and you love him.

I know a sit down with him will be hard, but he needs to see how this is holding you back. Even though it's been normalised for the two of you, well... I don't know. He has to understand that you'd like your own life, and you can't have it, being his sex partner. I think it needs to be done. And can be done gently and in a non-accusatory manner.

Update us if there any changes, sweetie.
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