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My Dad {Trigger Warning}

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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My Dad {Trigger Warning}

Postby Fivehop » Tue Jan 24, 2017 10:16 am

A bit of a trigger warning. Please do not read this if you are extremely sensitive about molestation and such...

Hi everyone! This is my first post. Recently I've been opening up about my situation and trying to see if I could find help. So here it goes I guess. Anyways, when I was 5 years old, I was molested by my stepdad, Mike (Not his real name, but we'll just call him that). This was when I first came to him and my mum (I used to live with my actual dad, *mod edit*). Anywho, that's what happened to me. He continued molesting me up until I hit age 12/13. I'm 16 now, turning 17 soon. He stopped ever since I became a teenager and we moved to a different state. This is going to get a bit too personal but I need to just lay everything down on the table...
Mike did a lot of things to me and I'd do the same. We both used to give each other oral. He'd have anal sex with me sometimes and much more. He didn't take my virginity or anything, but he did try once. (No one ever caught us). For most of my life I grew up thinking this was okay. Of course I was little when he first started touching me, so I had no clue what this was. All I knew is that the things he was doing to me felt good and I felt the same way to him. I didnt think this was how it happened with every father-daughter relationship. I just thought that's how HIS AND I father-daughter relationship worked and it was our secret. It wasn't until I hit 8-9 years old when I found out that it wasn't okay. I asked him about it and said "I don't like this anymore. It doesn't feel right. It's wrong!" He decided to be manipulative and said "But you liked it. I'll be sad too." I started sobbing (which he didn't expect) and said "I want a normal relationship with you." Since I was a little older, I finally knew what was going on. He felt bad. He started understanding how much it was taking an affect on me and stopped touching me (as much. He still couldn't help himself sometimes...) A couple years later on Halloween 2011, he decided to take us to Disney Land. On our drive back from Disney Land, I was in the front and he decided to touch my lower area and grope my breasts when I was sleeping. I woke up and couldn't move. I just pretended to stay asleep. I thought it was over already, but apparently he decided that was officially the last time. Skip down a couple more years later, we decide to move to a different state. I was 12 turning 13 now and we both decide to forget all that happened. He apologized before we moved on and never talked about it again. Also, during all of this he wasn't hurting me. He never forced me down or anything. He just somehow got me to do whatever he said. Anyways, now that we're in a different town, state, environment and such, things seemed better. When I got into my freshman year though, things were just okay. I'd still get nightmares of being touched. Not only that, but my mum's health was plummeting along with my grades. Things were really tough for my mum and she gets stressed out so easily. And the only one who really steps up to help her is Mike...The thing is, I know he loves my mum. He really does. My mum loves him too. My nightmares and thoughts won't go away though. Even though he's emotionally scarred me, he's also done a lot to have a roof over our head and food on the table. He's made my mum very happy (most of the time). He does anything she needs to make sure she's healthy and okay. He works not only to have a home, but to pay for all her medical things. In short, he loves my mum to death and does a lot for me too. He tries a lot to make up for what he did. My thoughts and emotions have been playing me for years. I'm so confused and hurt. Despite the fact he's molested me for years, I still love and care about him as my actual dad. Other than him doing things to me, he's been a good dad. I see the way he acts around me when he says sorry for what he's done. I see how much he's changed since we've moved. I've seen how he goes out of his way to do so much for my siblings (who are much older than me), niece, nephew, and mum. At the same time though all I see is a perverted, sick, twisted man that I still smile at every day. I guess this is where I stop to ask for help. I have no clue what to do. I want to report him and tell my family what he did to me, but I love him. I know as soon as I tell the truth about what he did to me years ago, my brother will physically hurt him if not kill. My brother respects our stepdad too. My sister barely got used to him and started liking him. I've always been close to him though because I came to him as a young kid. I love him, but I don't love what he used to do. Recently, I've told him how I felt and how it still scars and hurts me to see him and think about the old stuff that happened. I told him I don't want him to leave. I told him I love him and he's still my dad. I said all these good things about him, but I also told him he hurt me, left me emotionally scarred, and traumatized me. I don't think any amount of sorrys could help me. I also opened up to a few of my friends about this. Half of them know the name of who did it and situation, but half of them only know the situation. I feel as if I made a mistake though. I tend to keep everything inside so when I let everything out and told them the truth, my emotions were just everywhere. They're all supportive, but I hate how I damaged his image/name. Most of them liked him too. I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I do because I still love him. What do I do? I can't tell my family. We all love him so much. It hurts to see him, but if he leaves or if he somehow ends up in jail, it'll hurt more to see him go. Plus my mum's health would just get worse, she's already so sick.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My Dad {Trigger Warning}

Postby AShatteredSoul » Thu Jan 26, 2017 12:02 pm

I'm not sure I could actually offer you any advice on what to do...
But I had almost the same thing happen to me...
My abuse stopped when I was around 7 and started when I was around 3. It was by someone that I loved, still love...
I'm almost 23 now, and I didn't tell anyone what happened to me until I was in my last year of high school. To this day my family still doesn't know, because it would just be worse.
Anyways...
If you ever just need someone to talk to you can always message me...

Also there is an online chat hotline and a hotline that you can actually call.
It's at rainn.org, the number is 800.656.HOPE (4673)...
They might be able to help you figure out what to do.
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Re: My Dad {Trigger Warning}

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:25 am

The rain.org is https://www.rainn.org/get-help

Here are some other resources from the top of the Sexual Abuse and Incest Forum page.

sexual-abuse-incest/topic161147.html

Thank you, AShatteredSoul, for sharing that. :D
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Re: My Dad {Trigger Warning}

Postby Team78 » Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:25 pm

I don't know a whole lot about your situation it seems to me that you might be a little detached regarding his image. Are you being forced to get him trouble? Is there an influence or just to confront him to protect him from other people? Therapist are okay with that it doesn't really make or break you the emotions will be there when you are ready. They generally don't judge it can be a cool thing as far as getting perspective on your whole life about the whys what shaped you into adulthood.

I guess if it makes you a little unsettled people that make abusers miss the point I miss the point as well but mostly in other ways can really seem like this one needs a whole lot of intervention if only worried about his image. Unless he is threatening you now, I apologize if that is little forceful I'm just saying get yourself some help. It is great writing it just the question at the end about his image that's all ...That can be the nice words good for forgiving like a long term goal not saying I wouldnt read it ever...
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