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A mother with guilt

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A mother with guilt

Postby sparklybutterfly » Sat Mar 07, 2015 2:00 pm

Hello out there I'm hoping that someone has any suggestions to a problem that I have. I had ended a relationship that I thought was going to be good for all involved but it turned out to be something else. Something that you don't hear people talk about or people whisper it and do nothing about it. I tried to do something about it but failed. Here is my problem: I was living with someone whom I thought loved me and my 2 kids but in the end no one really matters even his 2 daughters. Only he matters to himself. You see I had always suspected that something wasn't right between him and his daughters. There were odd things like the way he would hold them and he would say every daughter wants to marry their father. How he would go in their bedroom and stay in there for a while. There are other things but this will be too long. This has been very hard for me to understand. I am a woman who works in the Sheriffs Office and is in uniform. I take my job very seriously and try to do the right things. He too works in the Sheriffs Office and is a Sergeant. I saw him sexually abuse his 15 year old daughter and my son saw this as well. Not a day doesn't go by without me seeing these visions that at the time seem surreal but were real. I went to the local Police Department. They looked into it but the daughter will not talk. Is there anything I can do to stop this very sad situation. I am carrying around a lot of guilt. I need some suggestions if anyone can understand me.
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby sparklybutterfly » Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:19 pm

This has been a very difficult thing to deal with and I really do not know where to turn. There is so much more to this story. When I had asked (I will call him John) "How is it a father can get his daughter to do things with the father willingly?" Johns reply was "Oh that's simple he starts prepping them at a very early age." Its as if the daughter were doomed from birth. I'm getting upset right now I will continue this later.
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby seabreezeblue » Mon Mar 09, 2015 9:44 am

A truly horrible situation and I'm really sorry that the daughter wasn't able to talk about what was happening to her :(

I'm glad you spoke to the police - have you tried social services/childrens services as well?
It's possible that they might be able to help, even if it's just to make the father aware that people are watching and paying attention.. it might stop the abuse.

What I do know from my own experience of being abused by my father is that it's incredibly complicated.. I hated mine but wanted him to love me as well and I was brought up in an environment where family were put first.
Loyalty to the family was the most important thing.. to report them would have been the ultimate betrayal and would have led to me being thrown out/ex-communicated.

Thinking about it now, i wish i'd done it but the mind of a child/teen is much much different to the mind of an adult.. to me at the time, it was beyond unthinkable.

What i would really have appreciated more than anything is someone.. anyone to be there that i could speak to and that would simply listen. To know that someone out there cared about me would have meant the world.
Perhaps you could keep in touch with the daughter and make it clear to her that no matter what, if she ever needs you - she can just call you and you'll be there.

xx
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and i'll run round the moon..
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby sparklybutterfly » Mon Mar 09, 2015 12:00 pm

Thank you for your response. Sorry for your situation as well. I know the older daughter she is 19 now she is seeking help but is still not talking to authorities. I think she will someday I hope sooner than later. This is very hard to understand I am trying my best. I am living with a lot of guilt though because I think I handled it wrong because of fear and I'm ashamed to say even embarrassment. We both are in law enforcement. I have since gone to seek help as well. I did not contact CPS myself but someone else did. Others suspected this problem. It runs out I was not the only one. The saddest of all is we all think the mother knows and is possibly a participant. Like I said there is a lot more to this father. I'm talking law enforcement, psychologists, and other professional people. Through my research of John his daughters are not the only recipients of his abuse. He should not be wearing a uniform or badge in my opinion. I take what we do seriously. So yes I am embarrassed and appalled. *mod edit* . Again so sorry for what had happened to you. I hope someday I can help those 2 girls and anyone else. You don't realize how much of a secret this is or how many victims there are until your in it.
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby sparklybutterfly » Thu Mar 12, 2015 10:49 pm

I'm still hoping for something to happen with the other daughter who is 15 and still lives with John. The mother lives somewhere else. But this daughter seems to enjoy what they are doing. They pose in photos like husband and wife not father and daughter. They sleep together and he has taught her to be very quiet when they are doing something. Its is amazing how he has taught her these things. He boasted to me how he could be doing something in the next room and you will never know. what made me suspicious about his relationship with his younger daughter was when they were sitting at the dining table after they hung out in kitchen for a while mind you being very quiet. John went right to the computer and just stared into space while she seemed disturbed. All this time me and my son were sitting on couch in the den where you can hear them making some noise. Then she made an odd statement "you know Dad I figured out something I am picking up from Tully left off." (Tully not being the real name) He just kept staring into space and she just got out of the chair and went upstairs and said goodnight. Now I look back 2 months after the older daughter broke it off with him on her 18th birthday. You know the marriage. A monetary transaction then took place with the ex wife the girls mother. A very big transaction around $100,000.00. Then it began with the 14 year old daughter. That is what she meant when she said I'm picking up from where Tully left off. I just want to say this sounds absurd but is very true and very disturbing. I need help with this and so does the daughters. Like I said there is a lot to this story. You couldn't pay me enough money to make this up. I said it earlier even I lived it and it still seems surreal. But these things are still happening. I still hope and pray that justice will be done. There is more.
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby sparklybutterfly » Sat Mar 14, 2015 1:07 am

Sorry for venting but I have told a handful of people about my problem and dilemma. I try to keep busy so that I may forget but the visions never leave my mind. The visions of John sexually abusing his younger daughter. You see I said before I had suspected something strange was going on. I will call her Emily (not her real name) for the sake of my telling this. One day I went to do laundry and noticed that 1 of the baskets were missing so I went to look for it. I went into her room which I never entered all that often. When I had gone into her room I had noticed very dirty crusty panties were all over the Emily's room. I do a lot almost like she was never going to touch them ever again. So I left them like that and showed the father and he didn't seem to be too upset. So the second she came over that weekend she must have been told to do a laundry immediately. But he did not know I took a few and bagged them for testing. I"m an officer remember. So then I had to take my son some where and things in the den were disturbed as well as in my bedroom. I then purchased cameras and voice recorders. Well just to be clear the one thing he did say about the panties was who is coming into the house to have sex with his daughter. Maybe we should get cameras. John did say that and then that was it. Well it took only one time of me going to bring my son to school and then go to work and then the hidden camera caught it. John was sexually abusing his daughter. Sometimes it seemed she enjoyed it and sometimes not. It appeared very strange . Surreal. Ten one time me and my son were on the patio and we heard the car doors in the front of the house so we were walking up the steps to sliding glass door to greet them coming home from dance. They must have thought we were sleeping. Before our eyes through the glass we saw John Holding Emilys breast and playing with her nipples and then we froze. I took my son back to the patio and made like we were in bed and waited til he went to bed. I just didn't know what to tell my son and he was stunned. I was afraid for his reaction to us seeing him do these things. I didn't want him to hurt my son. He too carries a gun all the time as well as wearing his uniform even off duty. I will tell more later.
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby sparklybutterfly » Sat Mar 14, 2015 11:14 am

Let me say this about my son Sean I want to let people know even with him seeing things that no kid should see or experience with a person like John his first thought was that John is sick. Sean then asked me "hey mom do you think that if I say a prayer for John maybe he will get better?". My response was "well it couldn't hurt to pray for both John and Emily". He was very sad and really did want to help them. I too said prayers but it just kept continuing and is still. It is very sad. I can't help but feel guilty that I could not get this to stop and I feel guilty about my son being exposed to this. It really would be nice if someone has an idea on how to make something like this stop.
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby seabreezeblue » Sat Mar 14, 2015 6:58 pm

vent/talk as much as you like.. it's your space here and i'm reading.

I love that your son has clearly got a good heart and is praying for the abuse to not happen again.

what happened to the video recording that you made? Can you give that to the police?
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby sparklybutterfly » Sun Mar 15, 2015 10:30 am

Thank you seabreezeblue. It's nice to know that someone is listening. I went to the police a month before I moved out. I rented storage and started to move things out slowly. I then would meet with them to let them know what was going on. So the day came when they asked for the cameras and the stained panties. I gave them what they asked for and that night they called John to come willingly to the station and he did. The second he pulled out of the driveway they pulled in the driveway to come and get me and my son. It turned out they were also pissed off at me because I would not make a signed statement. At the time I was not thinking straight. I didn't want to hurt the daughters. I wanted them to talk on their own and let it out and maybe they could begin to get help or something. There are other things in the mix as well. The girls mother was no help. Carolyn stood by John on this matter. Odd right. Anyway to make a long story short the DA would not take the case because the girls would not talk, the cameras were illegally obtained and he made it sound like I was just a vengeful ex-girlfriend. Vengeful for what? He supposedly did nothing wrong. Hell I would of loved to have had him cheat with three women or beat me. What happened is far worse. This effects all psychologically and emotionally FOREVER! This does not go away.
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Re: A mother with guilt

Postby user68858 » Sun Mar 15, 2015 10:57 am

you may have already tried this, but maybe another possible idea is trying to call one of the child abuse helplines and asking how they could possibly help, maybe they know of possible options and ideas that you or the local police aren't aware of, or can help in some other way. I found this page with a list of local/state numbers (I assume you're in america) for reporting abuse, http://www.loveourchildrenusa.org/repor ... dabuse.php

also this site has the number for the national child abuse helpline: https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/
from their list of things they can help with:

When calling 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), a qualified crisis counselor will answer and assist you, if you:
Need to find out how to report known or suspected abuse.
Have questions about the reporting process and what you might expect through the process.


It might help if you can also tell them everything thats happened so far so that they are aware of everything. also, sometimes one helpline can be a lot more helpful then another, so it might be worth also trying more than one, so you can be sure you have a good chance of getting all the information and help that you need. I hope you can get better help with this.
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