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Insecurity about other women

Open Discussions about Self Esteem and Related Issues

Insecurity about other women

Postby rachelmarie » Mon Jan 10, 2005 11:14 pm

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum and it seems very informative and helpful. I have had a look around but I don't know if there is an actual disorder that relates to my problem so I'm unsure where to post. I suppose it is a self esteem thing so I thought I'd post here. If anyone else can relate to my problem I'd love some feedback. Okay here goes, I'm embarrassed about this but I have to try something.
For as long as I can remember I have had a problem with other women. When I have been single, i could watch any film or programme and was not at all upset by nudity or jealousy of the women in the programmes, no matter how attractive they were. Now I am in a relationship of three years and have to vet every film we watch before seeing it because I can't watch sexy, scantily clad women, or even worse a nude scene in a film with my boyfriend. Although i know I am attractive myself, to see other women behaving sexily makes me feel sick and like I'm not good enough for my boyfriend. I also have a real issue with newspapers and page 3 etc. I'm condensing this post so as not to bore you too much but I think you will get the general idea! My boyfriend is fantastic, he doesn't ogle other women or make comments and is very level headed but I can't seem to stop myself verbally attacking him if there does happen to be something dodgy in a film we watch, even though it's hardly his fault that it happens to have nudity in it. This is causing a huge problem in our relationship and my partner does not understand why I am like this and can be rather nasty to me about it if he gets angry enough. I am seeing a counsellor but it isn't helping much so far, although I will keep going to the meetings.
I want to try and analyse why I am like this because I know how irrational it is. I am a friendly, caring person but this problem is even affecting who i make friends with, I couldn't bear to be friends with a really attractive woman in case my boyfirend preferred her to me ( I know, it's silly and it's me he loves but the fear is still there )
Basically I wondered if anyone else suffered from this problem or if there is even a name for it? I want to get help for this so much before it ruins my relationship. If anyone can offer any assistance i will be eternally grateful. Thanks for reading.
rachelmarie
 


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Postby somebody » Tue Jan 11, 2005 3:24 pm

It seems to me that you see attractive women as a threat to your relationship, as if your boyfriend would leave you for another beautiful woman. In movies there are a lot of them to
remind them to you. Since you don't have good confidence in yourself, it would be definetly helpful to start working on improving your self esteem and accept yourself for what you are. Remember,
while it's possible that you'll break up with your boyfriend in the future, this possibility does not reduce your worth as a woman and as a person.

And yes, it's very common for women to see other attractive women as a threat, while being in a relationship. It's exactly the same for men, when they are in a relationship; they see other competitive men within their cycle or their girlfriend's cycle as a threat. That thing about page 3 sounds like a phobia, a very unimportant one indeed. Most people have a phobia really, even if they are not aware of it, because sometimes it's a situation or objects that are not present in their lives often.
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Postby rachelmarie » Wed Jan 12, 2005 2:07 pm

Thanks very much for your reply. You are right, it is a self esteem problem and I'm working on it. Today's meeting with the counsellor did help somewhat - I was beginning to think it was a waste of time.
Whilst I know it's quite natural for most people to feel that other attractive people are a threat to their relationshiop, they are usually real people who are considered threats. I can cope with that, what I cannot cope with is the insecurity I feel when watching an unknown woman on the TV, I know rationally she is no threat to me, my bf isn't going to run off with a Hollywood actress but I still feel bad.
Does anyone else have this problem? It's great to know there are such caring people as yourself and my counsellor but they don't actually feel the same as me. Thanks again.
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Postby momof2 » Wed Feb 16, 2005 9:48 pm

Hi there after reading everything about you it is almost exactly the same as my situation with my husband. He rented the movie eurotrip and I lost it on him because of the nudity etc. I have found that I don't have many girlfriends for the same reason as I see them as a threat. I do have to admit that I have gotten better because before if we would be driving down the street and an attractive girl was walking I would automatically assume he was checking her out. I have overcome that by realizing he is apeople watcher just as I. I still have issues sometimes but I don't voice them anymore because he told me that this jealousy could ruin our marriage. What I do now is if he wants to watch a movie that I don't agree with I won't watch it and it saves an agrument in itself. After having 2 kids I don't feel sexy anymore and that is a hurdle as well. There is hope though and it comes from within us...as soon as we realize we are just as good or better some of these things will go away. Remember though every relationship has jealousy its only natural and human nature.

Good Luck
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Postby rachelmarie » Thu Feb 17, 2005 12:02 pm

Thanks for your reply momof. Whilst I am sad that another lady has the same problem, it does help to know I'm not alone. It's funny what you said about not watching certain films with your husband, as I have sort of got to that stage as well and can cope with him watching it in another room or even on the pc whilst I'm in the same room, although I daren't look at the screen if I know there is something upsetting in it. I know my boyfriend doesn't rent out a film just because it has nudity in it, for example he is a big fan of Sean Penn and always wants to see his films whether there is nudity in them or not, I can't bring myself to watch 21 grams with him though and I do feel bad when he deliberately resists hiring certain films out that he knows I wouldn't like. I'm thinking of joining an evening class or something to give him time alone in the flat to watch these films that would bother me.
It seems such a petty problem when you read the problems some of the other members here have and I feel guilty for that too but it is a big problem for me. I'm trying to work on my self esteem and appreciate my good points and I keep telling myself how false films are anyway. All the makeup, airbrushing and clever camera angles and lighting that go into making a female star look utterly fantastic, it's all just for show, not real. I tell myself this but it's taking a while to sink in.
I guess there is no answer to this problem really, only avoidance techniques. I wish you the best of luck and I hope we both find a better way of coping soon. xx
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Postby depressed chick » Tue Feb 22, 2005 3:57 pm

After reading this I seen myself so very much. I am married and have 1 child. I have BiPolar disorder like most of the posters here. But what makes me the sickest is the publicity of women in general. You very rarely see men and you always see women. And adult sites when you type in men it come up with gay men. Man does that really urk me. I am always looking at my husbands eyes when there are women around to check and see if he even looks at them. I admitt I get extremely jelous. But I think it is the BiPolar disorder talking to me. I am glad to see I am not the only one with this problem.
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jealousy

Postby guest » Mon Jun 27, 2005 11:01 am

Hi, I dont know if you log back into your message since you first posted in February, but I just HAD to reply. I have suffered from the same issue as you for quite some time. It laid dormant in me until my second last relationship. I believe some of it was brought on by how I was treated in my earlier relationships and also how I saw my father behave around women. I have found it soooo hard to even walk through a shopping centre, down the street, eat in a restaurant, hire videos, anything, as there are always women around no matter where you go. I have to disagree with your comment that 'we just have to find ways to avoid'. I think it will always remain an issue unless you can confront it and find out what it is inside of you that is causing this reaction. I am in another relationship now, which is nearly at an end, for other reasons too, but a big contributor was that I attacked him constantly for his apparent 'perving' at other girls (whether he was or wasnt?), he is slightly immature in the relationship department which made things far worse, because he hadnt yet learnt to consider his partners feelings and avoid staring at something that clearly took his fancy. I have always feared that sexier, prettier, bigger breasted, taller, longer legged women would have my partner drop me in a second like a hot potato.. the silly part of this is that he is less likely to do this if I dont nag and attack and criticise him constantly for looking at or noticing these women. Instead of accepting that there are and always will be sexy/attractive women around and that I should just be pleased with who I am and happy with the man 'I' choose to be with. It defnitely has a lot to do with self esteem (which I am building as we speak), you have to decide that you are wonderful as you are, and that your life/happiness does NOT depend on anyone else, your partner is not to be held onto in fear, you are together because you want to be together, you have to let go the fear of losing them.. accepting that if you do, you will still be whole and your life will be no less meaningful and full. It begins within yourself. I have had further problems with current boyfriend because he is also into internet pornography and I know for a fact that he despite agreeing to not use it, has lied and probably still is about doing it! Very difficult one to handle given the psyco feelings that you know we feel in these situations. I have had to pull myself back away from what he does and decide that I am still beautiful, worthwile, lovable etc.. regardless of anything he does or may do. It is now up to me to decide what is or is not acceptable to me (defining my own boundaries and respecting them and therefore myself). The best thing to know is that everything you have need of is already within your
SELF, I am finding all my answers there. The likelihood is that I will leave this particular relationship because I am finding out that I want different things for myself and I have also found out that I am worthy of having better. In your case, you may be completely happy with your man and in deep love, if this is the case, then love yourself more than you love him and let go the need to control him. Remembering that you are only responsible for yourSELF. If whilst you are working on things you need to avoid full on nudity in front of him/you, fair enough.. also if you have religious reasons for wanting not to view this stuff then you need to share this with your partner and work out whether you can agree on something or at least compromise fairly. (still respecting each others views). It is a touchy one and our men don't understand our insecurities. We both have a responsibility - US to love ourselves more and realise we are already everything we need which will lessen the pressure on our men, and the Men to understand how we might feel and therefore be less obvious in their awareness of sexy/attractive women, respecting us with their behaviour. I wish you the best of luck and there is so much more I could say, but you may think this is all gobbledygook anyway??? I just hope that some of this at least may help you... You are not alone, and you are completely ok as you are, with or without anyone else's approval. Just love yourself first and trust that you dont need anything but what you already are, just look within..
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Insecurity about other women

Postby Shannon » Fri Jul 01, 2005 11:09 am

:shock: OMG! And here i thought i was the ONLY one that felt this way. I've been with my husband since i was 17 now 34, but i have always felt this way, and i can't stand it! I know i have very low self-esteem, low confidence in myself and don't take compliments seriously. I grew up very shy, and add everything else too that, UGH it was HARD. I still have a hard time making friends. And i am a very nice and caring person. But when i get out in public, everything changes, i'm NOT ME anymore. I know I need too talk with a professional, but not sure how too go about finding the RIGHT one.

Any suggestions?
Shannon
 

Postby Guest » Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:42 am

I know this is like beating a dead horse...but count me in as well.

During my last relationship, I avoided most programs that I knew would have pretty women in them while I was with my boyfriend. He was somewhat in the music industry and loved to watch music videos. This grove me insane!! I would actually get a pang in my chest whenever a pretty/attractive female would hit the screen.
I would also pick fights, ask silly questions, or even get up and leave the room until the scene or video was over. It was soo much stress just watching tv with him. :lol:

I would complain about him not taking me anywhere, but I really didn't want to venture too far becuase I knew wherever we went, there would be be women there who were much prettier than me. I always felt like he would be reminded of the fact that he could do better than me.

I too limit my friendships with females I don't feel to be a threat. The guy I'm seeing now adores me and I don't really feel that insecure with him. But too be cool with a girl who would be considered better looking than me would still be too much stress.

Glad I can finally get that off of my chest...I've never told anyone.
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me too...

Postby guest » Sun Nov 06, 2005 5:02 am

This is an old thread and I'm not sure anyone is around anymore but tonight I came across this on the net...I waslooking for something to help me....b/c I identify exactly w/ everything you all have typed. I'm 27 and married now...since July of this year. I am driving my husband crazy. I am to the point where we cannot watch movies where there is any nudity or sex scenes...or certain actresses b/c it upsets me so much. I literally get Physically upset as well...anxiety, heart racing, etc. It has become that bad. I'm constantly watching him to see who he looks at when we are out. I don't like going out anymore and avoid a lot of places. I don't have any friends since we just moved recently but I am the same way about women friends being attractive. I am so insecure and the problem is getting bad. I was also like this in my last few rships...but not always....just since one particularly bad one I had. I didn't think anyone else went through this though...I thought it was just me and i was crazy!

Anyone still around that posted on this thread...I'd love to chat sometime.
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