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How can I deal with extreme self-loathing?

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How can I deal with extreme self-loathing?

Postby mjfan4Eva1007 » Thu Apr 25, 2019 12:23 am

I feel like I'm a terrible person. I can't say the reason why but let's say it's just because I have this feeling inside. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone. And it's true. I can't even talk about my problem anywhere and I have been attacked for feeling the way I do and ganged up on for people and made to feel like a bad person. It's hard to explain my situation but it's just got me feeling really worthless and like nobody will ever understand me. Apart from that I live in constant paranoia and anxiety that there are people out there who are out to get me.
When I think about how alone I am in this world and just how little people know about me, and I think how if everybody knew everything that went on inside my head, they would despise me for sure. I'm not sure if they would despise me as much as I despise myself. :(
I am a 22 year old female and I feel trapped at the mental age of 12. I have a fantasy relationship (you can probably guess who it is by my name) Since I became too old for free college tuition and I had been stumbling my way through course after course achieving only passes and hating every minute of college, I have lived in my room 24/7 for about the past 2 years. Literally. I was also diagnosed with asperger's at age 7. I can't imagine having a conventional job, because of my anxiety and lack of common sense. But if I could choose anything, it would be a singer. Singing on youtube is the only thing that gives me true happiness because I feel like I am able to express myself. And it seems to make people happy. It feels like the only thing I can do right. I can't do anything people my age can do. I can't cook, can't wash clothes, I've never driven, never been abroad, never partied, never smoked, never had a job, never had my first kiss. It scares me that people my age are already having kids or getting married. And I know that it is too late for me to experience a first love. I have given up on that since long ago. There's no point pursuing a real relationship because I won't like anybody. I am happier with my fantasy relationship. I just feel so alone and trapped in the past. And I cried the night before my 22nd birthday, because reality dawned on me, that things will never get better. They'll only get worse. I've been struggling with this for a while now. I battled depression since I was 15 because of loneliness and the fact I knew my time was running out. Now I can't be myself. Because I am not allowed to feel the way I do or just be me. Suddenly now, just because I am in this time period, I am suddenly, not me anymore. Even though the problem is that I am still just me. Why should my interests and values be expected to change just like that to fit the moulds of society? I just want to go back in time or go into a different dimension or different universe where I am able to be myself and be with the person I like. I feel so misplaced. I sometimes wish I could just fall asleep and dream and never wake up. I just can't even talk about the way I feel even now I'm having to just explain how I feel without being able to give too many details of the root cause. This is even more frustrating. I just wish I could talk to somebody, anybody, without fear of being judged. I know I'll never find anybody and I'll always be alone, because I am undeserving of happiness. :(
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Re: How can I deal with extreme self-loathing?

Postby JusticeXI » Sun May 15, 2022 10:35 am

If you get to see this post, you should be around 25 and hopefully not with the same challenges. When I listen to what you have to say I feel like saying WOW because you're not alone. I also feel like I don't fit into this world and somehow, I made it here but sometimes I feel like I'm on a different plane or perhaps trying to find another dimension.

What I have learned or what should be true is that you are different, different and special. More than likely you are a super sensitive person. You probably sense others inside vibes. We have eyes that see things differently so much that its life changing for us. You must put yourself right back here every time you have a challenge.

"But if I could choose anything, it would be a singer. Singing on youtube is the only thing that gives me true happiness because I feel like I am able to express myself. And it seems to make people happy. It feels like the only thing I can do right."

The way this makes you feel is so special, with the energy you get form thinking about it can turn into a positive vibration. You must think with your unconscious mind about the good and beauty you can find in your life. This will help you manifest your true desires and wishes and bring you closer to your true self. Fate has already entered into your life so no matter what you do the outcome should always be the same.

Bless you - if you shall ever read this post
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