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Selective Mutism...?

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Selective Mutism...?

Postby Bluestar » Tue Apr 19, 2016 6:14 pm

Hello everyone, i am a new member here. This will be long so..
Well, I registered solely for making this thread so am gona give it my all.. I must say that i have never been to a psychiatrist which means i am undiagnosed. However, i am 100% positive that i have Asperger's Syndrome. This is not the case, my case starts since childhood..
When i used to be a kid i was extremely shy where i would cover my face, abruptly run or freeze in my spot motionless. I had phobia toward school (lack of the proper term).. Whenever i go to sleep or the day before school starts or when i even hear the word school i would cry hysterically, vomit involuntarily, get stomach pain and eating disorder where i wouldnt eat for days. Not to mention panic attacks in middle of the nigh and sever anxiety all the time.
Whenever i am in school after my parent struggle to push me through the gates i would run amok inside trying to escape.. After the teachers unite and hold me still in one place through yelling at me thinking am a spoiled kid i would go to the bathroom and cry and self injure myself (did i say self twice?) until the teacher would drag me to class.
Due to my behavior, i was the main dish for all the bullies in the school.. I was severly bullied and abused until high school. To be honest, i have never heard of a case of bullying worst than mine.
Whenever i ran for help to my dad, which he is a very strict man who believes in physical violence is the answer for everything (not kidding), he would yell at me and tell me how weak and stupid i am. In home i was like a puppet in my dad's hand. He would beat (sometime with a shoe or a stick) me and emotionally abuse me over being forgetful, stupid, shy, awkward, breaking stuff on accident..etc. i had no friends because i was targeted by all bullies and no one wanted to even be close to me fearing they would be bullied with me. Those who risked their life and got close to me my dad scared them away by insulting me Infront of them, saying bad stuff which would make me look bad or saying (i hate that kid u walk with, stay away from him). Not to mention the restless conflict between my mom and dad at home.
I was molested several times when i used to be around 9 by a person i don't want to mention his name nor i want to remember him.
I have developed many problems that showed on my physical well being also the mental one.
Despite all that, i used to be considered QUIET in school or anywhere. However, i used to speak, reply, ask, laugh and all those stuff. Actually, i was considered to be very cheerful and i would laugh all the time while cracking jokes..
Am 23 now almost 24.. It began when i was 21, i had a change of heart. I dont want to say i didnt have a trigger or a reason. Many things happened in a rapid succession where it left me completely paralyzed and all those memories came back to me as if i was back in time.. I literally pushed everyone out of my life without a warning or goodbye and i got into episodes of depression where i was on the verge of suicide. For 2 years i became COMPLETE loner.. I had no one to talk to nor i wanted to talk to anyone.. At first i began talking to myself and laugh alone.. When i spoke to anyone it was strict in unfriendly manner.. I would only answer with yes or no or just ignore. Then it developed to nonverbal where i barely utter words throughout the whole day. I would wave, point and nod which made anyone who contact with me say (what the hell is wrong with u? Cant you speak?).. Thats when i even gave up on nonverbal communication .. and when i am forced to utter a word i feel so angry and upset at my self and to that who made me speak.
I just dont want to talk anymore.. And more and more i am becoming to be really unable to talk even alone.. Even i dont want to text or type..
I dont want to go to a psychiatrist.. Many recommended me, i will never do.. I dont even want to explain why.. I just dont want to..
To be honest.. I wish i become a mute because i honestly no longer feel like speaking at all ever again..
What am i going through... Is this selective mutism, if not what is it then..


Sorry it has so many mistakes.. I dont really have the energy to correct and edit it.. I really wish someome would comment and reply me.

Thank you for listening.
Bluestar
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Re: Selective Mutism...?

Postby Bluestar » Wed Apr 20, 2016 5:11 am

Anyone...
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