Fear of Being Alone, Fear of Never Finding My Place

Who are my people? Where do I belong? Who is my community? Why don't I feel like I fit in anywhere? When will I find a place that feels like home?

These are the thoughts that have been running through my head for the past several months. I spent all summer in a state of severe depression, where I was often unable to get out of bed or accomplish basic tasks. I lost my appetite and stopped eating (lost weight!) I missed deadlines at school and failed in my obligations. My immune system was down and I kept getting sick with stomach problems. I would spend nights laying in bed, unable to sleep, then walking outside and just staring up at the stars looking out in the world and dreaming of escape (to where I do not know).

I am usually a very optimistic person who believes in having hope for the future and pursuing my dreams. Yet lately, I have found myself empty inside. I start having these feelings of emptiness... like nothing I do matters. Like "what is the point?" I look to my future, and I no longer see a path laid out before me. I see confusion, uncertainty, loneliness. I know what I want to do with my life in an abstract sense, in the long-term grand scheme of things. But I don't know how to get from A to B. I don't know how to move ahead. I feel like nothing will work out, and I will fail and end up alone.

I've been paralyzed by these thoughts of feeling alone. I have family and friends. But I still feel alone. Like I am existentially alone. I live in Los Angeles, a city with millions of people, yet I feel like I do not have the kinds of deep, meaningful friendships or connections with others that I would like. All my relationships with others feel ephemeral. Like nothing is permanent. I feel like I have friends, but I do not have a sense of community. I don't feel like I belong. Like I am not grounded. I don't feel like I've found that sense of home. I want to move away and start somewhere new, but I fear that I will always feel this way. That I'll always feel like I'm searching for somewhere to belong, and I'll always feel alone. That I will never find a place where I truly connect with people, where I can have deep meaningful relationships and a sense of community.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Can anyone offer me some advice or help as to how to work through these feelings of existential loneliness?

Hello,

I can relate very well to what you are saying. I get this feeling almost every year at about the same time, right when my depression kicks in. By now, I recognize this as one of the first symptoms of my depression and it's when I know I need professional help. I have moved four years ago to a big city from a small town and I feel disconnected. In my hometown, everybody knew everybody and I had a strong sense of connection. I never truly adapted to life in a big city, even though most of my oldest friends live here as well. I do not feel at home. All I dream of is to go back to live in my small hometown, but unfortunately there are no jobs there. I don't know for sure if moving back home would help, as I might feel alone because I wouldn't really have friends my age there. I am quite hopeless, unemployed (just graduated) and with no idea about my future.

I, too, am afraid I will eventually end up alone, with no one by my side, because I feel like a burden. I fear I will be so alone that I will collapse on the floor and no one will find me before I'm dead.

But I have felt this way before. It is the depression talking. I am not this person, I am not my illness. I am starting therapy again tomorrow and I will recover. The fight is worth it. When the dark cloud of depression is gone I can't even understand how could I have these dark thoughts, they don't make any sense.

I strongly recommend seeking professional care. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is an illness, it is not your fault. You deserve to feel better, you deserve to be healthy again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can assure you of that.

Katherine94 wrote:Hello,

I can relate very well to what you are saying. I get this feeling almost every year at about the same time, right when my depression kicks in. By now, I recognize this as one of the first symptoms of my depression and it's when I know I need professional help. I have moved four years ago to a big city from a small town and I feel disconnected. In my hometown, everybody knew everybody and I had a strong sense of connection. I never truly adapted to life in a big city, even though most of my oldest friends live here as well. I do not feel at home. All I dream of is to go back to live in my small hometown, but unfortunately there are no jobs there. I don't know for sure if moving back home would help, as I might feel alone because I wouldn't really have friends my age there. I am quite hopeless, unemployed (just graduated) and with no idea about my future.

I, too, am afraid I will eventually end up alone, with no one by my side, because I feel like a burden. I fear I will be so alone that I will collapse on the floor and no one will find me before I'm dead.

But I have felt this way before. It is the depression talking. I am not this person, I am not my illness. I am starting therapy again tomorrow and I will recover. The fight is worth it. When the dark cloud of depression is gone I can't even understand how could I have these dark thoughts, they don't make any sense.

I strongly recommend seeking professional care. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is an illness, it is not your fault. You deserve to feel better, you deserve to be healthy again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can assure you of that.

Thank you for sharing. I feel exactly the same way as you. I wonder if this is a common experience of moving from your hometown to a big city and struggling to make connection. I feel that same feeling of being unstuck between my past and present. I know I cannot go back to the life I had in my small town -- even though it was familiar there, and I knew everybody. I am just one out of millions of people. All I can say is that I know you will find someone eventually, you will not die alone on the floor! There must be a place out there for all of us, and at least one person we can meet who we will feel a deep connection with.

How is your therapy going? I hope your recovery is underway and you are on the path towards peace of mind and happiness. I am going to try therapy myself. We shall see.