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I was diagnosed 15 years ago with stpd I didnt believe it

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I was diagnosed 15 years ago with stpd I didnt believe it

Postby skagenrex » Tue Jan 14, 2020 3:13 am

I will be 50 this week.

I posted about this on another forum.

15 years ago I was diagnosed with stpd and with sad the doctors disagreed.

I didnt believe any of them. I actually felt I there was nothing wrong. I ran away and never looked back.

Today I filed bankruptcy and closed my 6th business in a row. I have been fired 11 times and killed 6 businesses (restaurants, wood shops, and churches)

I am living in a sunday school rooms with my family in a church building donated to us to start a ministry.

Tomorrow I have meeting with a counselor. Today was spent in lawyers office, fighting with my wife, and listening to my customers being upset that I went out of business and they lost their money.

This past friday I decided I think maybe my doctors were correct and something is wrong with me. I mean I have either been fired or lost business 17 times in 15 years and lived in 8 states.

Here are my real life symptoms,

1. I exaggerate things that I can do. I mean I know I can do them, I have done them. No matter what I do I always feel as if I am the top of my field.
2. I dominate and control every conversation.
3. I only have distant friends - literally live hours or days from me and only speak with them on facebook. I have no real life friends. I do have a wife and kids but they are alienated by me.
4. Within 6 mo to 1 year I alienate all my coworkers employees or bosses and I am let go, or they quit me.
5. In churches people find my sermons engaging- but I alienate them and have zero desire to visit with them outside of church or office. This results in me being fired.
6. I love talking with people- anyone anywhere. But not if it is not my idea. For example I love public speaking. But put me in a crowded store I will hurt people around me trying to get out.
7. I create people's history and motivations, many times it is accurate too. But it is evil and devisive to do so. So they way they walk, hold a cup, or what color their shirt and suddenly I beleive things about them to the point of violence.
8. Even though I cannot stand most people, I have a strong charisma that lets me close sales and manipulate people. Becuase I am educated and well informed, or full of bull it lets me get thru meetings. But on the inside I do not like them.
9. Left to my own devices I isolate myself.
10. I have strong feelings that people are plotting against me, and sudden movements, or loud noise and I can react and hurt somebody fast.
11. I am dracononian in all my responses. I have no interest in coming to an understanding. If I enter conflict there is only one outcome either total submission by the other or I destroy them. Yes this has become violent in the past- luckily I have not "fought" in over a few years now. As I warn people know to back off before I make them wish they had. I have no sense of moderation in this. I get so angry I have broken my teeth in half clenching them.
12. I have not been happy in years. Death does not frighten me, it appeals to me. But pain and whatmy kids would do without me stops me. But most days I feel cheated I woke up. I am so angry all the time and alone- but I hate almost every thing around me. And really it is difficult to see anything but flaws. But I have learned to where a mask and hide this.
13. My physical health has plummeted as well.
14. I do sometimes believe things- but they make logical sense but not to others. Usually about other people that I can clearly see the truth about them, but no one else can.
15. Until this month I thought I was genius. That I had a mind for business leadership and design. And I do have great ideas- I am told this alot. But I fail at implementing them- every single time.
My wife has started calling me Job.
16. I have the sex drive of a satyr- all the time neverending. I have actually debating being made a eunuch to stop it- but the doctor told me those impulses would never leave- just my ability to act on them.
17. Lastly I always believe the world is about to end and when it doesnt I feel cheated.

How much of this stuff is because Im a jerk>? or becuase of some type of schizo diagnosis. I dont know. I dont know if I am schizo- but I know I am pissed. and I am bankrupt. And I would like to be happy. BTW my dad was bipolar, my bro is paranoid schizophrenic wit grandiose narcissim, my other brother is psychotic thinks plankton stole his heart. So if my diag is true it fits with family.

So I am trying to find answers and maybe hope.
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Re: I was diagnosed 15 years ago with stpd I didnt believe it

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Fri Jan 17, 2020 2:00 pm

Unfortunately, this section of the forum is quite dead for the most part, and I don't have a thorough enough understanding of these disorders to confidently contribute an answer.
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Re: I was diagnosed 15 years ago with stpd I didnt believe it

Postby 1PolarBear » Fri Jan 17, 2020 9:45 pm

In the general lines, it does sounds like it.

Its not as bad as the rest of your family, so that is the good part. The bad part is that you might have to figure out your limitations and be less reckless.
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