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Got carried away with delusion about a guy

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Got carried away with delusion about a guy

Postby NoNameHere1 » Sun Aug 25, 2019 6:05 pm

I made an idiot of myself, I admit.
I have sza and bpd.

Bad combination.

My bpd caused me to idealize him and run a script/fantasy/delusion about him. I dissociated away into this fantasy about him because I've been so deprived and starved for love. So when he didn't react as I had anticipated, all of my defenses started to pile out.

I had to think of a plan to lure him in and humiliate him. This all took place online, by the way. I haven't seen him in real life for about 2 years. And I did complete what I set out to do and it was a big mess. I became consumed by him. The voices added to the delusion, my primal defenses went into overdrive, basically the past 6 months was me trying to pull myself out of this delusion and my idealization turned into hatred. And I had to figure out why I felt like this in the first place and why my patterns keep on repeating over and over.

I can keep feeding into this fantasy but I can't snap out of it either. I would never hurt him in real life, I was trying to manipulate him emotionally.
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