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Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

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Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

Postby Nohope2066 » Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:32 am

Hello fellow forumers.

I'm new here so nice to meet everybody. I hope to get some light on this matter before I actually visit a psychiatrist.

I have also posted another thread in the self esteem subforum.

It seems to me that I am on a destructive path using patterns that I now realized that had been going on my whole life since I was like 4. I'm 34 now and stuck in a rut. I was born in USA but raised in Europe.

It seems like everything people tell me is either what I want hear or what I'm feeling (or they think I'm feeling). Does it make sense? Like I tell my father: Dad I can't find a job and he responds: Well I know unemployment rates are very high. Like he says it to taunt me. Or I will be sitting on the balcony feeling like $#%^ and he comes over and says something that I could indeed be thinking at the moment like "life sucks oh man". And I seem to be continuing conversations thinking that he is responding but I then I realize that he is still continuing speaking out what I might be feeling.

I've been bisexual my whole life and maybe predominantly gay however I still don't know cause Ive had only one real girlfriend and numerous gay hookups via webcam or Skype and I'm really tired of it as I would lock myself up in my childhood room for freaking hours and hours everyday not seeking a job with my penis in my hand assuming that nobody knows that I'm doing.

I also started believing that my phone and computer are bugged because I also started getting my thoughts thrown back to me via websites and search results. Almost thinking that the websites are mocking me exactly like what real humans are doing to me. Like I would Google a problem of mine and the first search result would be " yes you are crazy" or "yeah kill yourself".

This escalated into me thinking that my whole life I was being monitored. Like I would do something and then some random person would return this behavior to me. And I keep on feeding the fire by doing worse sold destructive or plain destructive things. Then started the whole people serving my every desire to the point of sacrificing time and money.

I went to the school I wanted, my parents paying hard earned money and I ended up watching porn and playing guitar all day, not attending classes and ended up getting a very low score and getting my degree like a miracle had happened.

I then proceeded not to seek a job but to return home at the age of 24 and spending my next 10 years doing minimal stuff and mainly going to the gym playing guitar stressing masturbating and working for 4, 5 months then stopping. It's like people give me the chance to ###$ things up because inherently I am a piece of $#%^, lazy person who enjoys destroying everything out of bitterness or plain asshole personality.

Last year I moved to the states where I worked as a teller for 4 months and then as a customer care representative at my aunt's business corporate office. It was ok at the beginning but then it started to get weird. I was like maybe I took literately the offer from my American friends and relatives to come and work in the states and live in their houses for free, eat their food and raise cash??

The phenomenon of people returning my behavior to me talking about someone similar to me (but not me) and sound things like even attaching fake eyelash extensions to their freaking car lights and passing in front of me. I ended up having a nervous break down leaving America and returning to my childhood room masturbating to relieve sexual tension paying chatcam apps and walking down the street to find people staring at me, leaving cigarette buds all over the streets and empty Coke bottles as I was addicted to both because of sexual frustration.

So what exactly am I doing here? Am I really shy? Is society granting me the favor to destroy myself because this is what I inherently want? Sit inside do nothing and self medicate with pills nicotine alcohol video games music and porn pissing away my parent's money depriving them of their hard earned retirement and driving my life into the ground??? Or am I just plain psychotic?

I'm pretty freaking sure everything happened. Am I trying to use every possible excuse not to work or to avoid working low paying jobs? My friends having been telling me I'm psychotic and I need medication but now I know that these behaviors have been going on forever. Am I secretly in love with them? Had I been selling myself the low that nobody understands my sexuality meanwhile everybody me included knows and I'm just clowning around not taking life seriously?? Hating my homosexuality? And being racist????

It's really confusing. I wanted to vent and get some opinions please. My life is melting away.
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Re: Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

Postby Nohope2066 » Mon Aug 27, 2018 9:21 pm

Anybody?
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Re: Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

Postby paleofirst » Wed Aug 29, 2018 5:44 am

I do not believe your actively psychotic but you do suffer from a psychotic disorder and need to remain vigililent. Your mild paranoia is technically a psychotic feature but it is indeed so mild that I am not super worried about it. I am not a doctor though, what I would STRONGLY encourage you to do is seek out and LPC or Licensed Professional Counselor. Also a Psychiatrist would be goood.

-- Tue Aug 28, 2018 9:44 pm --

I do not believe your actively psychotic but you do suffer from a psychotic disorder and need to remain vigililent. Your mild paranoia is technically a psychotic feature but it is indeed so mild that I am not super worried about it. I am not a doctor though, what I would STRONGLY encourage you to do is seek out and LPC or Licensed Professional Counselor. Also a Psychiatrist would be goood.
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Meds: Invega Sustenna, Saphris, Depakote, Ativan
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Re: Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

Postby Nohope2066 » Mon Sep 03, 2018 2:29 pm

paleofirst wrote:I do not believe your actively psychotic but you do suffer from a psychotic disorder and need to remain vigililent. Your mild paranoia is technically a psychotic feature but it is indeed so mild that I am not super worried about it. I am not a doctor though, what I would STRONGLY encourage you to do is seek out and LPC or Licensed Professional Counselor. Also a Psychiatrist would be goood.

-- Tue Aug 28, 2018 9:44 pm --

I do not believe your actively psychotic but you do suffer from a psychotic disorder and need to remain vigililent. Your mild paranoia is technically a psychotic feature but it is indeed so mild that I am not super worried about it. I am not a doctor though, what I would STRONGLY encourage you to do is seek out and LPC or Licensed Professional Counselor. Also a Psychiatrist would be goood.


Thank you so much for replying. I always knew that i don't have anything super worrying wither however i know i am not completely trouble free. I have visited a psychiatrist, in particular two years ago and it was a failure kinda. My main problem is that my life is slipping away from me and a very good part of it is gone and it's making me panic even more.

I guess i do need both an LPC and Psychiatrist.....
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Re: Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

Postby DarkMind » Sat Sep 15, 2018 2:20 am

It appears to me you may suffer from mild paranoia which may be prompted from a lack of self esteem, or confidence, it is good you have given that forum a read.

I do not think you are psychotic, or at the least schizophrenic in the sense of hallucinations, and you do not seem entirely delusional.

I would suggest counseling as well, and if you still think you suffer from psychosis to perhaps see if a psychiatrist can help determine this.

I feel counseling could be of great benefit to you.
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Re: Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

Postby Nohope2066 » Thu Sep 20, 2018 10:28 am

DarkMind wrote:It appears to me you may suffer from mild paranoia which may be prompted from a lack of self esteem, or confidence, it is good you have given that forum a read.

I do not think you are psychotic, or at the least schizophrenic in the sense of hallucinations, and you do not seem entirely delusional.

I would suggest counseling as well, and if you still think you suffer from psychosis to perhaps see if a psychiatrist can help determine this.

I feel counseling could be of great benefit to you.


Well thank you one more time!

I have always been plagued by phobias ans anxiety often with no reason. Yet i keeped on experimenting with things i know are going to get me paranoid. I knew smoking causes cancer yet i still smoke. I know eating late at night will make me fat and being an overweight person trying to get thin i still get up at midnight and eat sometimes not much sometimes very much. I know what to do to improve my life yet i opt to procrastinate. Then as years went by i grew paranoid of not being able to find a job (i am 34 and have worked maximum 2 to 3 years my whole life, 5 years in college, 1 year in the army, 1 year with non professional music bands as a guitarist) because of being "old", not experienced enough and/or perceived as lazy when i know that it is only my mind playing tricks on me and nothing else. I actually HATE doing nothing, always tried to be perfect, maybe to the point of overworking myself and giving to doing nothing in the end.

I have wasted a good part of my youth and my life, i don't want to continue destroying myself.

Thanks again.

PS. I gave this presentation of myself to give you and the rest forumers insight as to what is my problem. I have opened up about even more personal details in another post of mine but i believe everything is rooted in me freezing everything when fear and anxiety strikes me by either thinking about terrible stuff or by petty stuff and minor setbacks making me both furious and panicked.

I hope this makes sense.
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Re: Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

Postby tyme90 » Thu Sep 20, 2018 10:49 pm

It appears like you have some sexual issues going on. You sound like you have some guilt about being gay and masturbating. Those are two things you should not feel guilt about as long as you are not doing them excessively. What exactly is excessively I don't know. That may be something to look up.

As far as being psychotic, I don't think you are psychotic either. Like the previous poster said, you have some paranoid beliefs. That could lead to a psychotic episode if you're not careful.

The solution is two-fold: talk to a psychiatrist and a therapist. You need to be honest with both. If you're not honest with your psychiatrist you won't get a correct diagnosis. In addition, if you're not honest and open with a therapist it won't be beneficial.

You made a great first step by coming to this forum and seeking advice. It is now time for you to make a great second step. That would be seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. I would highly recommend seeing both as soon as possible. Like I said you could go psychotic if you don't and psychosis is pure hell.

Good luck fellow traveler!
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Re: Advice needed. Am I psychotic?

Postby Nohope2066 » Sat Sep 22, 2018 1:19 pm

tyme90 wrote:It appears like you have some sexual issues going on. You sound like you have some guilt about being gay and masturbating. Those are two things you should not feel guilt about as long as you are not doing them excessively. What exactly is excessively I don't know. That may be something to look up.

As far as being psychotic, I don't think you are psychotic either. Like the previous poster said, you have some paranoid beliefs. That could lead to a psychotic episode if you're not careful.

The solution is two-fold: talk to a psychiatrist and a therapist. You need to be honest with both. If you're not honest with your psychiatrist you won't get a correct diagnosis. In addition, if you're not honest and open with a therapist it won't be beneficial.

You made a great first step by coming to this forum and seeking advice. It is now time for you to make a great second step. That would be seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. I would highly recommend seeing both as soon as possible. Like I said you could go psychotic if you don't and psychosis is pure hell.

Good luck fellow traveler!


Well thank you,

but i guess while masturbating excessively might be something that you could measure and define, how can you define and measure being excessively gay? Either you are or you are not. Are you implying that i am trying to be gay? And trying to masturbate? Or that i am trying to appear crazy?? Well actually i am saying that i am not however i do know that something is not completely right. I surely need a deep evaluation and talk with a professional mainly a therapist. All while believing that everything is perfectly right and that everybody else is trying to tell me something. Again i hope i am making sense.

And yes i did use masturbation at one point to relieve stress or just pass the time. It was something like an addiction from when i was very young and never made the transition to having a sex life with another human being although knowing that i do need it very much still to this day. I would be somehow feeling awkward if it was with a man but at this i don't think it would surprise anyone.

Anyhow, i am not being racist in any way.... maybe i just need to grow up and stop acting like an adolescent and accept everybody and my self for who they truly are and stop wasting everybody's time plus mine.

Thanks again.
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