the puppet master

was going through memory lane about my earliest nihilistic moments, thought i should share.

sometime u know something but u don't know how to put it into word, for example explaining u are being gaslighted before gaslighting as a word became popular.

the following is me putting what i knew as a kid in words as an adult, note am not native english.

i was one of those kids that play god with insect(mostly ants), making ant race in circles on the back of a flipped plastic chair, raining melting nylon bag fire apocalypse, flood, lenses/mirror sun apocalypse, gas lighter freeze apocalypse (when compress gas expand it take up energy) etc...

the reason i use to do it is because it was fun also people don't care about insect well being including me, but what is actually darker is i didn't do it on the behave of my moral, in fact if i was following my moral i would have killed them all "peacefully".

people often have a very naive self-centered view on the purpose of life, in which animal life isn't included.

if u wanna understand how modern CPU work, looking at 8 bit CPU might help understanding it easier, similarly looking at the bottom life complexity ladder can help u gain better perspective on life in general.

the simplest conclusion u gain from looking at low level life is:
you the thing that experiencing life are the puppet, your body is the strings, reproducing is the audience and your mind/unconscious is the puppet master.

you (the thing that experience life) true fear is actually living, while ur mind true fear is death, its why when we wake up for the first 6s we are annoyed, we have no issue experiencing nothing, all what we can think of oh not another ######6 days.

we are the only class of puppets that self-aware enough to sometime break free and be able to quit the show.

in that sense i use to see ant and me in a never ending show that we are unable to break out of.

this line of thought is very scary/dangerous its maybe why ppl avoid including low level life, but i think those can be removed, while its true death is actually a bless causing suffering is still bad, also some puppet even if self-aware may actually still have fun being a puppet despite knowing all of this, as such i would still like my choice to be respected even if is bad.

in a sense i both intellectually thought me living was bad and was emotionally build to stubbornly want to live despite that.
not sure which is more depressing:
being motivated to kill yourself but think u shouldn't, or thinking u better off killing yourself but not being motivated.
what ur thoughts about this?

I think that it is the primal instinct of all living organisms, to continue existing. So either way, the body will seek to preserve itself. As for which one is more depressing, I'm not sure either has to be any such thing. To me, killing oneself is a selfish, mean-spirited act. It's a rare person that has no one that would be upset. If a person doesn't do it for moral reasons, or out of consideration for people for whom it would be hurtful, then good old instinct is a last stop-gap measure- the body's own resistance to the idea. It's hard to feel depressed or shameful, about basic survival instinct. It's wired into us.