Disappearing Acts

Upon being in quarantine, I find myself getting more into mystery cases having to do with people who also want to run away due to paranoia over the government or family and also disappearing forever. This act has really caught my eye. I have been interested in the concept of a potential double life for my own entertainment. I was able to achieve this at one point in my life but decided to end the other life. And the act of disappearing and potentially taking on a new identity is even more interesting to me. I also have plotted running away from my home prior to all this.

I think there is an act of illusion involved in this, a lot of careful planning to be successful. I'm probably not going to do it(?) but the contemplation..The desire..It stems deep. It is the essential act of running away from people who are in my life.

Ever since I could remember I would want to disappear from others. Whether to imagine the questions of people inquiring where i went or to hide from the world it is something i desired. I would hide in the shed of my grandma's house during holiday gatherings even as young as elementary school. I would daydream about the situation of fading away. And now that i am older, the situation is i simply want to be left to my own devices and to have all eyes turned away. They were looking at me sometimes...But the eyes must turn to their own selves and leave me to my own accord.

i think this may be more common and have deeply rooted explanation related to being schizoid, i use to think it wasn't related but i have eventually found that i can only explain it by keeping being schizoid in mind.

my theory of why i have this desire was:
there some dreadful feeling schizoids get when they think other ppl know them or have a strong opinion/view of who they are, its like a fear of losing oneself, of being defined by others forcefully against ur will, from the fear of that definition to creep and infect how we prefer to view ourselves, in which its nothing we reject viewing our self as anything.
and so in that way running away getting a new life is dropping all of those parasitic views that manage to creep in over the years and still leching on ruining our attempt to not have a view about ourselves.

i remember when i was kid told my nephew while we reacting to some homeless person living a nomadic life in the wild that i wish that what my life will be when am older in which he got mad and started lecturing me of how bad life without parents and how grateful i should be that i have ones.

i have even more extreme form of this in which not only they forgot about me but i forgot about them as well, use to fantasize about losing my memory and getting a fresh start.

I'm not expecting anyone to answer cos everytime I've answered a post no-one else answers afterwards. I don't think anyone likes me but I've no idea why or wha tI'm doing wrong (I'm autistic too). I must be breaking some subtle social rule or something that I have no idea exists.

But anyway I got round your feeling of wanting to disappear by creating new persona's and usually (in my younger days) moving around alot.

So if I felt trapped in one life as one persona and got fed up of being who people were expecting I'd move, create new nickname, new back story and start again.

but without people what is the meaning of life, and how can you sscseed enjoying?
I find that over time I succeed less and less to enjoy

I often think, when I get sick of life, I'd like to just go wander the earth looking for adventure. I'd set up a webservice that I could update with a log of everything I did, and if I ever failed to make an update for too long, maybe a year, it would automatically send my family the entire story of my absence. I always thought it was a romantic notion but whenever I float the idea people think it's pretty awful.