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for those in therapy

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for those in therapy

Postby birdbirdbird » Fri Dec 20, 2019 7:59 pm

i wanted to know how its like for you for comparing, and for hope hopefully, i dont like that its so slow, im in therapy for 1.2 years, im having a hard time really opening up, my therapist helps but when i dont like her i can't leap over that, it could either ruin the whole session and i end up not talking to her or either i would have to force myself to talk to her when i really really dont want to, and then wait for her to rebuilt my trust again.

outside of therapy i think im becoming more vulnerable, or maybe im just expressing my needs more, more isolation, im just expiriencing the pain that has been there inside, before that i didn't feel anything.

i think im confusing being vulnerable with simply letting my feelings take over me, i tend to limit how much control my feelings have because it can be dangerous for me, i almost ran over someone for not responding to my car's horn.

i guess i tried being vulnerable last session tho, i froze for 15~ mins, couldn't move, like how do i go forward from there? i can't move, not to mention i can't speak to my therapist, i can only put on my shield again and only then i can speak, i know myself and i told my therapist that if i take my shield off i don't speak to her, she only has to move he legs a bit too agressively to make me freeze, last session i barely said anything.

what are your expiriences, anyone knows what im going through first hand? anybody already been there?
i should mention my father used to be very impatient with his needs, i had to follow his orders without delay, he was very unexpected in his rage he would go from 0 to 120 in a second, so im always on alert even though it was many years ago, every move can be very scary, my therapist tries not to move alot, but it's still unsustainable
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Re: for those in therapy

Postby CuteLoneCat » Sat Dec 21, 2019 3:37 pm

I've recently restarted therapy myself, and i am also struggling.
(3rd therapist, 2+ years of therapy)

I don't like my therapist and feel angry towards her but I realise this must be the same feelings that I had as a child towards my parents. (because I hardly know her really and these feelings are pretty strong).
This is something I should talk to her about but it's so hard
(It's called transference I believe and hard for anyone to talk to their therapist about)

I was recommended on this forum object relation therapy, which seems good, but I can't seem to find therapists in my country who do this therapy and anyway I realised the reason why therapy hasn't done anything for me so far, is me not opening up enough.
So I just started regular therapy (my thinking was: if the problem is me anyway, I can might as well "practise" opening up first doing cheap therapy. Btw it's cheap because it's subsidised by government)
What I didn't think through is that it's CBT, and i hate this, it makes me feel that it's all my own fault for thinking the wrong thing. Also something I should talk to her about.

She will start another job soon (she told me in the 2nd session, very annoying) so I'll get someone new, so even if I could get myself to talk about these things it sort of feels a little useless since she's leaving anyways. (Yes this maybe an excuse to let myself off the hook)(damnit didn't i tell myself i need to practise!?)

I think about these things a lot but when i am in a session very little of this actually comes out of my mouth. It's so FRUSTRATING especially because it is ME doing this, makes me hate myself for not being able to move forward

I feel I need therapy to learn how to do therapy

One thing I don't do anymore in therapy is sit down. On a chair. Sitting down makes me feel pinned down on that chair for the whole session. No control over how close she and I are. I stand up (for instance leaning against the wall) or I sit on the floor (towards the end of the session). This way I am free to move around so I have some control over the space between us. Seems silly but really does help me feel a little more at ease
And I actually refuse to sit down even for a minute for fear of not daring to get up again
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Re: for those in therapy

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sat Dec 21, 2019 11:29 pm

birdbirdbird wrote:i wanted to know how its like for you for comparing, and for hope hopefully, i dont like that its so slow, im in therapy for 1.2 years, im having a hard time really opening up, my therapist helps but when i dont like her i can't leap over that, it could either ruin the whole session and i end up not talking to her or either i would have to force myself to talk to her when i really really dont want to, and then wait for her to rebuilt my trust again.


I'm not a professional, but I've noticed the brain and body do things to protect us.

Good that you're listening to yourself and dealing with what comes up instead of trying to push through by pretending you're ok with continuing therapy with her at those times.

The likely reason that you're held back is to prevent any increase in the feelings of vulnerability right now.
Taking time to deal with the things mentioned builds rapport and allows whatever is coming up for you to settle a bit before going forwards.

birdbirdbird wrote:outside of therapy i think im becoming more vulnerable, or maybe im just expressing my needs more, more isolation, im just expiriencing the pain that has been there inside, before that i didn't feel anything.


Expressing needs = vulnerability
Vulnerability = for some, isolation

"expiriencing the pain that has been there inside, before that i didn't feel anything"
^
= emotional (and maybe to the point of physical) discomfort = rawness + feelings of vulnerability + body may feel like it's in danger or under threat

All of this can lead to a higher degree of reactivity to people and things around you.

Along with an intensified experience of emotions.
^
= possibly more extreme behaviors.

For me, this was where learning coping skills and grounding skills and all that was important.
^
It continues building a rapport/trust with the therapist - without the overwhelming level of vulnerability you described.
And teaches how to come out of that intensity and discomfort you just described.

birdbirdbird wrote:i guess i tried being vulnerable last session tho, i froze for 15~ mins, couldn't move, like how do i go forward from there? i can't move, not to mention i can't speak to my therapist, i can only put on my shield again and only then i can speak, i know myself and i told my therapist that if i take my shield off i don't speak to her, she only has to move he legs a bit too agressively to make me freeze, last session i barely said anything.

what are your expiriences, anyone knows what im going through first hand? anybody already been there?


Yeah, being too vulnerable makes me freeze and lose visual focus where I'm not blind but I can't focus on anything around me, and I stop hearing what the person is saying.
^
Then it can shift to me fully leaving my body and/or into different forms of psychosis with different durations.

Going slow, not forcing yourself to trust and not forcing yourself open up more that you can handle is important.

Equally important, is learning what works to bring yourself back to a more comfortable baseline if I do push myself too far.

Progress can come with discomfort at first - most new things are uncomfortable for a while until you adapt to a new baseline. Especially when trauma is involved.
It sounds like you're working hard and change is happening.

______________

The body language and exposure to rage sounds like it's causing a fight/flight/freeze reaction.

That survival reaction naturally overpowers the more rational part of the brain, but once the rational part of the brain assesses that there is no danger, it sends signals to the body that it's safe and the person normalizes.

When you have trauma, the survival reaction is a bit haywire and hyper-responsive.
As a response, it's also more deeply ingrained than the rational part of the brain hence the freezing due to movements and not being able to force yourself out of it.

I say this a lot, but EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy can really help break up the emotional intensity that causes you to freeze/fight/flight.
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use."  ~ unknown
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Re: for those in therapy

Postby CuteLoneCat » Sun Dec 22, 2019 9:34 am

This is what I thought and felt this morning:

No one protects me, I have to do everything alone.
I cannot make mistakes because there is nobody to protect me, to help me.
So I cannot take risks, I cannot let myself be vulnerable.

It's like people who live alone in the wilderness, they can't risk breaking a leg because that would mean death for them.

Also wanted to say I am taking wellbutrin since 3 months, and it helps a bit with being able to feel more. I don't like taking medicine and for a long time I refused to take any, but now I'm glad I have found one that works well for me (without any side effects).

@ DaturaInnoxia
I've tried EMDR but it did not work for me, I'm hitting the same wall as in therapy.
Like you said the brain and body do things to protect us. I have a big tendency to try to force myself, so that's why that wall is so strong, I would presently not be able to handle what comes to the surface.
I still have a lot to learn about my own boundaries, and to respect them
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Re: for those in therapy

Postby smirks » Sun Dec 22, 2019 8:56 pm

CuteLoneCat wrote:This is what I thought and felt this morning:

No one protects me, I have to do everything alone.
I cannot make mistakes because there is nobody to protect me, to help me.
So I cannot take risks, I cannot let myself be vulnerable.


This resonates a lot with me. I still take risks, but I never bet on humans. In every way possible, I try to remove other humans from the equation. It simplifies things, both morally and emotionally. The thing I seem to struggle with is that if I help someone out, it immediately seems to turn into a parasitic relationship. If someone helps me out, I feel like they will own me, like the debt is inescapable, and it can compromise my ethics.
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Re: for those in therapy

Postby birdbirdbird » Mon Dec 23, 2019 12:39 am

CuteLoneCat wrote:I've recently restarted therapy myself, and i am also struggling.
(3rd therapist, 2+ years of therapy)

I don't like my therapist and feel angry towards her but I realise this must be the same feelings that I had as a child towards my parents. (because I hardly know her really and these feelings are pretty strong).
This is something I should talk to her about but it's so hard
(It's called transference I believe and hard for anyone to talk to their therapist about)

I was recommended on this forum object relation therapy, which seems good, but I can't seem to find therapists in my country who do this therapy and anyway I realised the reason why therapy hasn't done anything for me so far, is me not opening up enough.
So I just started regular therapy (my thinking was: if the problem is me anyway, I can might as well "practise" opening up first doing cheap therapy. Btw it's cheap because it's subsidised by government)
What I didn't think through is that it's CBT, and i hate this, it makes me feel that it's all my own fault for thinking the wrong thing. Also something I should talk to her about.

She will start another job soon (she told me in the 2nd session, very annoying) so I'll get someone new, so even if I could get myself to talk about these things it sort of feels a little useless since she's leaving anyways. (Yes this maybe an excuse to let myself off the hook)(damnit didn't i tell myself i need to practise!?)

I think about these things a lot but when i am in a session very little of this actually comes out of my mouth. It's so FRUSTRATING especially because it is ME doing this, makes me hate myself for not being able to move forward

I feel I need therapy to learn how to do therapy

One thing I don't do anymore in therapy is sit down. On a chair. Sitting down makes me feel pinned down on that chair for the whole session. No control over how close she and I are. I stand up (for instance leaning against the wall) or I sit on the floor (towards the end of the session). This way I am free to move around so I have some control over the space between us. Seems silly but really does help me feel a little more at ease
And I actually refuse to sit down even for a minute for fear of not daring to get up again


I think i rarely sit on the chair for the whole session usually i lay on the floor, i dont stick to one 'plan', you made me realise why i was uncomfortable last session in the small room we had.

I know how it is, i often feel mad about things only hours later i realise how angry it made me, in my head its easy to react and i express everything when i imagine the situation, when it happens it never happen as i imagined

I imagined hurting my parents, when i did it i was so cold, i didnt enjoy it, i think it had to be cold because they didnt deserve my emotions, i imagined saying alot, instead i said the same line repeatedly, didnt care about anything
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