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Family

Postby Schizological1 » Wed Sep 25, 2019 7:30 pm

From what i read we all should have abusive or neglectful parents, so
1. Do you recognize your abuse? Is the memory erased?
2. How are your family ties regarding the abuse, since it doesnt seem like a little bump in the relationship, our parents literally exiled us from the world, for me its unthinkable to forgive.

My parents seemed to not know what abuse im talking about, when i look from the outside i gave little signs at the ages i can remember, but as i watched videos from family events i could see how unresponsive i was, i could see how my dad's touch (trying to kiss me) made me cry instantly at age 3.5, family always said im a attention seeking cryer.
Im sure the signs were there for every schizoid, so can you still forgive?

I cut ties with my family completely 2 months ago after they sent me to jail because i was trying to get back at them, i never really let go of what they did, i always wanted revenge as a kid, i always wanted to finally be the stronger person, and the way i saw it is strongest person controls the house, but very conviniently for them its not socially accepted to seek revenge after age 13 because by their logic i wasnt supposed to be vengeful at this age, it stayed in me
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Re: Family

Postby Aeva117 » Fri Sep 27, 2019 12:58 am

I feel about my family the same way I feel about the majority of other people - meh.

Yes, they've done some really @!@@@! up stuff to me, and forever altered my brain. But I don't really hold it against them all that much because that would require a level of emotion towards another human being that I'm really not capable of. We have a superficial relationship now, and that's fine. They're never going to admit how much their actions impacted me, they just go to a place of denial or gaslighting. Physical affection from either makes me very, very uncomfortable though.

My extended family I have absolutely no feelings towards or about. They might as well be strangers.
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Re: Family

Postby smirks » Sat Sep 28, 2019 12:14 pm

I'm sorry your family was so horrible.

I don't think I was necessarily neglected or abused. I was never close to my mom. I was closer to my dad growing up, but that stopped in my early teens. I was close with my grandparents and that stopped probably around the same time. It's a bit hard to remember what that felt like now because I don't really have the capacity to feel attachment anymore.

I don't feel like I am angry at anyone and I don't feel like I have anything I need to forgive.
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Re: Family

Postby Dsptial » Tue Oct 01, 2019 12:00 pm

From what i read we all should have abusive or neglectful parents, so
1. Do you recognize your abuse? Is the memory erased?
2. How are your family ties regarding the abuse, since it doesnt seem like a little bump in the relationship, our parents literally exiled us from the world, for me its unthinkable to forgive.


Firstly Schizological1, I'm sorry you've had a falling out with your family.

I think that both the diagnosis and the contributing factors for personality disorders are so uncertain that it is dangerous to work backwards by assuming that because someone has a particular diagnosis they must have had a particular experience. It's even more dangerous to go a step further and assume that if they don't remember such an experience, it must have happened and been erased.

I don't want to say too much about my own family experience, because it veers too close to revealing personally identifiable details. I will say that my parents weren't abusive or particularly neglectful. To the extent that I had a traumatic childhood, it was because I already preferred to be in my own head than around other people, and I could hardly ever escape from being around other people. I'm annoyed at my parents for creating that situation, but they were trying to do the right thing in difficult circumstances.

I find it annoying to be expected to be part of the family I grew up in. I feel close to a couple of siblings, but mostly family is annoying obligation. I feel like I'm expected to play the role of affectionate son and brother so that they can enjoy being in a close family. I particularly hate Christmas and similar events.
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Re: Family

Postby Schizological1 » Tue Oct 01, 2019 8:01 pm

Dsptial wrote:
From what i read we all should have abusive or neglectful parents, so
1. Do you recognize your abuse? Is the memory erased?
2. How are your family ties regarding the abuse, since it doesnt seem like a little bump in the relationship, our parents literally exiled us from the world, for me its unthinkable to forgive.


Firstly Schizological1, I'm sorry you've had a falling out with your family.

I think that both the diagnosis and the contributing factors for personality disorders are so uncertain that it is dangerous to work backwards by assuming that because someone has a particular diagnosis they must have had a particular experience. It's even more dangerous to go a step further and assume that if they don't remember such an experience, it must have happened and been erased.

I don't want to say too much about my own family experience, because it veers too close to revealing personally identifiable details. I will say that my parents weren't abusive or particularly neglectful. To the extent that I had a traumatic childhood, it was because I already preferred to be in my own head than around other people, and I could hardly ever escape from being around other people. I'm annoyed at my parents for creating that situation, but they were trying to do the right thing in difficult circumstances.

I find it annoying to be expected to be part of the family I grew up in. I feel close to a couple of siblings, but mostly family is annoying obligation. I feel like I'm expected to play the role of affectionate son and brother so that they can enjoy being in a close family. I particularly hate Christmas and similar events.


i cant know what happend in the past but it's the logical conclusion to assume that, i saw how my father treats my new born nephew and everything clicks, all the dots connect.

And based on the theory of this PD this is how it develops.
anyway why do you play the role?, do you need them for some purpose?
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Re: Family

Postby Akuma » Wed Oct 02, 2019 2:46 pm

Schizological1 wrote:From what i read we all should have abusive or neglectful parents, so
1. Do you recognize your abuse? Is the memory erased?


Well of course a lot of stuff has been forgotten, or is buried. But basicalyl I recognize it, also because they are still doing some of the stuff they have been doing 30+ years ago.

2. How are your family ties regarding the abuse, since it doesnt seem like a little bump in the relationship, our parents literally exiled us from the world, for me its unthinkable to forgive.


I can't really decide. You might have seen my topic over in the NPD forum, so this is a current thing actually where I am wondering again why I am not just aborting contact with them. But having some contact still has some practical uses / some minimal monetary ones, and I don't want to be prone to too much black-painting - eventhough that probably makes me prone to white-painting lol.

Im sure the signs were there for every schizoid, so can you still forgive?


Well a few years ago my mother was basically saying to me that I "just have to forgive her" or that "she is sorry for not having been perfect" (or something like that). The problem I see is that for them to be forgiven the pressure has to be let out in a way, which also means they would have to be able to actually see what they are or have been doing - which in most cases will not be happening, because they havent worked on themselves or on any insight that - for me at least - would be specific enough. What I would expect is basically an explanation of what has been done (or not done), an understanding why it was a problem, some sense of regret or shame and then I might forgive. But just like that based on nothing but some infantile notion? No.
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Re: Family

Postby Schizological1 » Wed Oct 02, 2019 6:38 pm

Akuma wrote: and I don't want to be prone to too much black-painting - eventhough that probably makes me prone to white-painting lol.


I have the same thing happening to me, for me its a pattern of forgiving against my will with this white painting, but i felt it had to be stopped, and i talked about it in therapy, because its a childhood pattern i needed some help there to be able to not forgive and have my principles strong enough.

Akuma wrote:Well a few years ago my mother was basically saying to me that I "just have to forgive her" or that "she is sorry for not having been perfect" (or something like that). The problem I see is that for them to be forgiven the pressure has to be let out in a way, which also means they would have to be able to actually see what they are or have been doing - which in most cases will not be happening, because they havent worked on themselves or on any insight that - for me at least - would be specific enough. What I would expect is basically an explanation of what has been done (or not done), an understanding why it was a problem, some sense of regret or shame and then I might forgive. But just like that based on nothing but some infantile notion? No.


Finally someone i can relate to in all schizoid communities, same thing happend to me, and i feel like they either dont understand the severity of what they did or they have no heart, the latter is more believeable considering that they made me who i am in the first place.

Its a struggle in therapy, i cant talk about my family, my mind goes blank, its stopping me for seeing them as they are, people simply dont change, they are the same people that made me disordered, i cant expect to have different results when im grown up, and i logically understand it but emotionally it doesnt work, the hope for change is stopping therapy, so i think its just better to leave them behind and move on without them
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Re: Family

Postby Akuma » Fri Oct 04, 2019 4:24 am

How much contact did you have with your family before you stopped contact with them?
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Re: Family

Postby Schizological1 » Fri Oct 04, 2019 7:33 pm

Akuma wrote:How much contact did you have with your family before you stopped contact with them?


Alot but it was unsignificant, sometimes i would talk to my mom and she wouldnt listen because i bore her, i mean i always comment in the background in family talks but i never talk in person to anyone about stuff i wanna talk about, its always about them because when i talk about my stuff they get bored, and they know nothing about my personal life, i never shared anything they dont know my friends, so technicly 0 real interactions, it felt more like im entertaining them, like a clown or something
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Re: Family

Postby Akuma » Sun Oct 06, 2019 4:27 am

Schizological1 wrote:
Akuma wrote:How much contact did you have with your family before you stopped contact with them?


Alot but it was unsignificant, sometimes i would talk to my mom and she wouldnt listen because i bore her, i mean i always comment in the background in family talks but i never talk in person to anyone about stuff i wanna talk about, its always about them because when i talk about my stuff they get bored, and they know nothing about my personal life, i never shared anything they dont know my friends, so technicly 0 real interactions, it felt more like im entertaining them, like a clown or something


Hmm. I have minimal contact already - well apart from the buying-groceries-thing which stopped now. I was asking because I'm still wondering what to do with them; when you have lots of contact its probably easier to argue for cutting them out of your life - like if youre confronted with their crap regularly. I remember confronting my mom for example when I was 16 about her being all "mhm, aha, mhm" when I am talking which made me feel like she didnt listen, which made her really angry, which nowadays I see as apparently having been correct in my assumption. Nowadays I barely talk with her at all really, only about really shallow stuff on the occasions when she calls or on christmas etc. Its more like having contact to some annoying coworkers though I think heh.
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