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Why keep living

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Why keep living

Postby Eldror » Thu Mar 14, 2019 3:13 pm

Hi, i was diagnosed recently and decided to stop the act i've been doing, cutting off from social life and things i've been doing because thats what everybody seems to do,
I have no hobbies, i dont enjoy anything, im not depressed but i just have no reason to live, anybody in the same position relates? If yes then why keep living, the only motivation for me to live is to "not die"

I used to play computer games all day long when i was younger but i just dont enjoy them anymore,
I go to work reluctently i ######6 hate it i just wait untill the shift ends and i can go back home to do nothing like i love (and hate)
Im just surviving every day waiting to die day
Can anyone relate? What's next?
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Re: Why keep living

Postby smirks » Thu Mar 14, 2019 6:58 pm

For someone with SPD, I can't say I've struggled with anhedonia a lot. I think there is so much in this universe that is very, very interesting. There are always things to learn about and discover, but you have to put a little effort into finding them.

For me there are always new books to read...not all of them great, but keep looking and you'll find something.
There's always new music to listen to....not all great, but keep looking and you'll find something.
There are new movies and tv to watch...again, not all great, but keep looking.
There are new skills to master. I like learning to cook new recipes or learning to play new musical instruments, or taking on DIY projects and learning about electricity and plumbing and construction.

Breaking out of anhedonia seems like a very difficult task. I think it's something that you have to make great effort to do, and that no one can really give to you. No one can give you that reason to live. It's something you have to really work on.
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Re: Why keep living

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Thu Mar 14, 2019 8:44 pm

I have a family to take care of or I'd probably just wander aimlessly, filling my time with whatever new and interesting thing that crossed my path. The wandering is more fantasy. Not sure how I'd accomplish that or if it would really appeal to me in the end. I think it's just the idea of escaping life, which, could be death.

Anhedonia never really felt like much of an issue for me outside of depression. However, the returns do seem to diminish after awhile and finding new things to be interested in becomes more difficult. No weekend/annual fishing/hunting trip until I die type stuff for this guy. So, the older I get, the less things there are that make up for dealing with the $#%^ of another day (probably struggling with some avolition here also). I seem to have learned enough skills and seen/done enough in my life where everything appears somewhat repetitive/rehashed.
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Re: Why keep living

Postby Cholls » Fri Mar 15, 2019 7:12 am

smirks wrote:Breaking out of anhedonia seems like a very difficult task. I think it's something that you have to make great effort to do, and that no one can really give to you. No one can give you that reason to live. It's something you have to really work on.

iabsurdlyexist wrote:I seem to have learned enough skills and seen/done enough in my life where everything appears somewhat repetitive/rehashed.

You are not alone. While this emptiness is more acute and longstanding with those suffering from SPD, it is far from unique to it. I would even say that it is the baseline human condition.

If you are familiar with the Up Series, particularly the case of Neil Hughes ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_(film_series)#Neil ), that depicts my existence for 10-20 years. I realize that that is nothing compared to what many with SPD have endured. I was dead. It's the scariest situation in which I've ever been.

'Surfacing' from that has been a long, almost imperceptibly slow process. At some level, you have to want to surface. 90% of me is infernal rage and hatred, which makes great tinder.

Two specific things contributed greatly to rekindling my life (and I still feel on the cusp of despair). These are:

I. Taking Eleanor Roosevelt's advice:

"You must do the things you think you cannot do.",

which does not mean suicide (I tried that and nearly ended up paralyzed). Rather, it means undertaking goals which you fear worse than death.

2. As a dyed-in-the-wool, nearly illiterate artist (C-PTSD makes reading difficult), my fears worse than death (thanks to a Narcissistic mother for whom I was a display item and in whose eyes failure was not an option) are public shaming and struggle and failure which, for me, manifest their Ultimate Form in computers and electronics.

Slowly, slowly learning programming has lifted the stone sealing my tomb. Coding every day (and I'm talking shltty little programs) keeps despair at bay. As smirks said, try things: learn the butterfly stroke, a foreign language, juggling. You literally cannot exhaust all of the possibilities.

We're already here, healthy and privileged enough to communicate online. The wait for death could be long. There will be periods when everything appears repetitive. At such times, we each need to make like Eleanor and reevaluate ourselves, find and attack our deepest fears.

Were one free of fear and negativity, life would not feel burdensome. We would feel grateful for the wonders around us.

If we're bumming, it means we have something subconsciously draining our energy which we need to address.

Sorry for coming on strong. More than anything, I need to cheer myself on.
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Re: Why keep living

Postby orinoco » Fri Mar 15, 2019 10:03 am

For everyone looking for sense in life I recommend the book
"Man’s Search for Meaning" (1946) by Viktor Frankl.

From an objective point of view there is no sense in life.
Only as an individual subject of life with a past, a present and a future life gets meaning,
even for those just waiting for death, be it in a concentration camp or imprisioned and sentenced to death otherwise.
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Re: Why keep living

Postby Eldror » Fri Mar 15, 2019 3:11 pm

I think i will try that trying things advice although im lazy as heck and i will probably hate it
But i guess its somehow a different kind of suffering maybe i will like this suffering better
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Re: Why keep living

Postby salles » Fri Mar 15, 2019 10:32 pm

Yes I relate and Go through phases of major anhedonia alternating with milder versions.
Also trapped in a job I hate. Sometimes I feel in good enough form to find things humorous; think kindly about my fellowman; feel mildly optimistic ; listen to music, watch a good netflix dramas...simple things.
I am holding out hope I can exit my current environment in a couple of years. Currently I am surrounded by people with whom I share zero interests and live in an area where nothing entices me on any level to engage.
orinoco wrote:For everyone looking for sense in life I recommend the book
"Man’s Search for Meaning" (1946) by Viktor Frankl.

Looked into it , and logo therapy. Found a therapist but the idea of having to pay $$ per week and the travel involved turned me off.
Also have a cbt combined mindfulness therapy downloaded ( for weeks now) but have not felt any inclination to commit.

Would Love something external to happen for a change instead of the hard internal discipline entailed in creating one's own reality. Not sure at times that even works, or is true ( that we create our own reality
)I guess one has to want to try and when feeling anhedonic it is hard to get to a level of wanting anything.
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Re: Why keep living

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Sun Mar 17, 2019 12:06 am

Cholls wrote:"You must do the things you think you cannot do.",

which does not mean suicide (I tried that and nearly ended up paralyzed). Rather, it means undertaking goals which you fear worse than death.


I am sure a failed death experience does carry a lasting learning experience.

What have you feared worse than death?

Being married and committed to my word, my only fear is not being able to fulfill that. Looking back, the commitment doesn't make sense but that doesn't make it any less real. It's more about how I fit that into my current and ongoing view of life. So, staying alive and being there for the ones I gave my word to means more to me than death. That is why I keep living.
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Re: Why keep living

Postby Cholls » Sun Mar 17, 2019 12:37 pm

iabsurdlyexist wrote:Being married and committed to my word, my only fear is not being able to fulfill that. Looking back, the commitment doesn't make sense but that doesn't make it any less real. It's more about how I fit that into my current and ongoing view of life. So, staying alive and being there for the ones I gave my word to means more to me than death. That is why I keep living.

That's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. You have more of a purpose in life than many--schizoid or not.

Please forgive me and ignore this if the question is too personal. What I gather about SPD is that it arises from a combination of genetic and environmental factors, the latter sometimes in the form of lengthy childhood maltreatment.

My question is for anyone, really.

For those simply going through the motions, too unmotivated to live, yet too unmotivated to die, why do you refrain from risking everything on a full-bore investigation of your psyche to get to the root cause of your indifference?

Again, sorry for being so pushy. My schizoid friend has attempted suicide 3 times yet has come away with no obvious permanent damage. He has jettisoned nearly all of his material possessions and has given up even on suicide and is simply waiting to die.

He's only 34!

When I ask him if he has ever tried to change, he says, 'Why?! What if things got worse???' (he's even more pessimistic than I). He has OCD and lives alone and is self-supporting. He claims to fear nothing. However, it seems clear he is terrified of imperfection, of failure, of change.

If I could afford to pay for therapy for him, or to pay his bills while he tried some new things, I would encourage him to try to change while he's still young. But all I can do is engage in amusing (?) correspondence and help relieve his boredom. It's heartbreaking.
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Re: Why keep living

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Sun Mar 17, 2019 3:42 pm

Cholls wrote:That's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. You have more of a purpose in life than many--schizoid or not.


While it may sound nice, my wife doesn't really like our relationship being referred to as a moral obligation.

Cholls wrote:Please forgive me and ignore this if the question is too personal. What I gather about SPD is that it arises from a combination of genetic and environmental factors, the latter sometimes in the form of lengthy childhood maltreatment.

For those simply going through the motions, too unmotivated to live, yet too unmotivated to die, why do you refrain from risking everything on a full-bore investigation of your psyche to get to the root cause of your indifference?


I personally believe there is a core difference between those that are genetically predisposed and those based on their environment. If your root cause is genetics, it is what it is. I don't know why anyone dealing with or that have dealt with environmental factors wouldn't try and tackle that. I guess the hard part is figuring out which camp you are in.
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