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unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

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unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

Postby unoon » Wed Feb 06, 2019 8:56 pm

Am I Schizoid? I ask because I’m being pressured by my family to talk about it and the reading it’s taken to familiarize myself with it is a bit much for me. No pronounced family history of Autism, PDs, Schizophrenia Spectrum or ADHD, but I’d never know about these things because I never talk to the extended family. Altogether, my family is mostly psycho-normative and successful … mostly. I haven’t suffered from major depression in years and I don’t consider myself to be socially phobic in any real way. No hallucinations or delusions. Perpetual depersonalization, sometimes derealization. Very moderate, legal cannabis user and latent alcoholic. Nicotine and caffeine are my muses.

Culturally, I'm irreligious/apatheist who was raised hardcore Catholic. The short story is they did not take this well to the slightest degree. Before 14, I generally enjoyed going to church every Sunday. It was a good community – formative. I enjoy learning about religion, I just don’t understand why people expect me to have the answers to questions which are above my pay grade, regardless of what they are. I was the proverbial prodigal son: a (kinda) individualist in a household run by overzealous moralists. Could be thought of as abuse, in my opinion.

I see my three older siblings regularly and I enjoy being with them and my dad. But, predictably, my relationship with my mother is different. I think the strongest possibility is she’s undiagnosed Borderline. On one level it’s true that she’s a symbol to me of everything I’ve hated about my life so far. Emotional ambivalence is exactly the right term. I’m starting to see how I’ve been doing everything for her approval all along. I’m afraid that if I take that away from her there might be nothing else left between us. Codependence? But I believe our relationship isn’t so damaged that it can’t be maintained for its own sake, which is a blessing.

I was a quiet, sweet, obedient kid before maybe 9. Then I started falling behind in school. After that I was known as the funny, creative, smart kid, but school was a constant problem in every way. My family was an A-B family so Cs and Ds were not tolerated. Screaming, lots of screaming. This pattern of failure continued through high school. I went to one semester at public school and I literally slept through that. Sleep deprivation was my worst enemy – so much so that not being able to sleep is my only phobia. Then I did online public high school until I dropped out at 17. By then I made the full transition into reclusive weirdo. Altogether, single worst experience of my life thus far. I’d always had friends and social hobbies, but that just dissolved. So, I taught myself Algebra, got my GED and went to college anyway, working on-and-off. Graduated last Fall. Now 25 years old.

My mother dragged me to therapy between 15-16 because I tried to run away to be a street bum. In retrospect, I suspect this was a bipolar episode. Nothing much came of that therapy spat. Went back to the same therapist at 22 for stress management because I was overwhelmed at college. That turned into formal diagnoses of ADHD (combined), DSPD (eight full hours delayed – fun), and Bipolar I. For what it’s worth, I can see some SCT, paranoia and obsession in me too. That whole process took about 2-3 years. My psych took me off his priority list, so I flew on my own with no therapy for one year. This was under the precondition that I was going to build a social life: friends, a long-term relationship and maintain my family life. I hadn’t had a social life for about five years. I came back after a year of essentially doing nothing but working or studying. School wasn’t nearly as difficult for me by then with meds.

Skipping to the present, I occasionally leave the house to play tabletop but, even though I enjoy it, I think of it as a chore which I wouldn't otherwise do if I wasn't trying to live “normally”. I got another girlfriend about three months ago (the first I met in real life) and that’s going well, so that’s something. But I’m afraid that all the language I seem to organically use in reference to these problems is related to obligation. I honestly assumed I would emerge from my cocoon and have a wonderful life (seeing as I’m still smart, wry and engaging in short bursts) but that didn’t happen over the course of an entire year: 1. couple numbers I never text, 2. new girlfriend, 3. that’s it. I understand that it takes a lot of time to build and maintain a social life, but I’m concerned so few steps were taken. I started to fear it was because I just couldn’t care. So, I looked up asociality on Wikipedia and discovered that it’s actually a symptom of not that many disorders. I brought a list to my shrink and we started looking at them one by one for maybe two months now. Now I’m posting on this forum for help.

I’ll conclude with some of my thoughts. One of my pet peeves (and I have a list I keep) is that people constantly suspect I do nothing with my time. My time is just as invaluable as anyone else’s. I like my weed, but it’s not weed and Netflix all day every day. I don’t even like television or video games. This really bothers me because if people would just ask or show any interest, they’d know I’m not sad when I’m alone: I’m happy. I do tabletop, read voraciously and take notes, expand my vocabulary, learn ancient languages, play guitar, do some creative writing, keep up with current events, exercise, work and I used to draw when I was a kid. I have a small circle of acquaintances, a useless diploma, a relationship and a job. What the ###$ else do they want me to do? be a glowing celebrity? My inner life is so full of space and depth, but real life feels like a constant struggle to fit in. I’m perversely hoping to discover that those expectations may never be met, hence Schizoid. So, I’m preparing to get a few simple things across to the fam: I’m not crazy; I don’t hate you; and I like spending time by myself. World, stop telling me otherwise.
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Re: unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

Postby Oblivion » Thu Feb 07, 2019 1:58 pm

unoon wrote:I was a quiet, sweet, obedient kid before maybe 9. Then I started falling behind in school. After that I was known as the funny, creative, smart kid, but school was a constant problem in every way. My family was an A-B family so Cs and Ds were not tolerated. Screaming, lots of screaming. This pattern of failure continued through high school. I went to one semester at public school and I literally slept through that. Sleep deprivation was my worst enemy – so much so that not being able to sleep is my only phobia. Then I did online public high school until I dropped out at 17. By then I made the full transition into reclusive weirdo. Altogether, single worst experience of my life thus far. I’d always had friends and social hobbies, but that just dissolved.


My experience was similar to this.

In the course of your therapy, were personality disorders ever brought up? Seeing as you were given several other diagnosis's, if you're really curious you might want to go back to this therapist and discuss SPD. Nobody can or will try and diagnose you here as it's against the rules, but you can check the diagnostic criteria at the top of the page and see how many apply to you.

I’ll conclude with some of my thoughts. One of my pet peeves (and I have a list I keep) is that people constantly suspect I do nothing with my time. My time is just as invaluable as anyone else’s. I like my weed, but it’s not weed and Netflix all day every day.


I'm hoping this is what the afterlife is like.

My inner life is so full of space and depth, but real life feels like a constant struggle to fit in. I’m perversely hoping to discover that those expectations may never be met, hence Schizoid. So, I’m preparing to get a few simple things across to the fam: I’m not crazy; I don’t hate you; and I like spending time by myself. World, stop telling me otherwise.


For reasons I won't get into, I think more and more people are feeling this way these days. But in order to be diagnosed schizoid, you first have to fit the criteria for a personality disorder. Do your symptoms interfere with your job, relationships, happiness or ability to function?
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Re: unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

Postby smirks » Thu Feb 07, 2019 5:02 pm

What would you do if you weren't obligated to do anything?

Maybe try doing that.

As long as that something isn't "nothing", and it's a stable, healthy lifestyle for you, I think you might find yourself in a happier place than trying to meet all of these obligations you don't seem to care about.

-- Thu Feb 07, 2019 1:02 pm --

What would you do if you weren't obligated to do anything?

Maybe try doing that.

As long as that something isn't "nothing", and it's a stable, healthy lifestyle for you, I think you might find yourself in a happier place than trying to meet all of these obligations you don't seem to care about.
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Re: unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

Postby orinoco » Thu Feb 07, 2019 5:34 pm

From what you write an early childhood trauma (before the age of 3) and following a complex PTSD is very likely.
Grown up in a very rigorous religious, catholic environment makes emotional abuse very likely.
And all your behaviour shows that you are compensating very heavily struggling with your psychological handicap.
Try to answer the following questions to yourself:
- How do you see your emotional relationship to your mother? Warm? Cold? highly reserved?
- How do you handle fear and stress? Does it take long to recover, compared to neurotypic people?
- Do you have any physical symptoms? sleeping problems? sweating? aching back? allergies? other kind of chronic problems?
Depending on your answers it's very likely that you have a persistent problem in autoregulating your emotions. This is a persistent handicap and IMHO the best therapy is understanding and true empathie by yourself and your social environment.
Learning more about early childhood trauma I recommend Bruce D. Perry, Shelley Uram and Bryan Post.
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Re: unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

Postby unoon » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:00 pm

Thanks for your reply. I needed some perspective.

Oblivion wrote:In the course of your therapy, were personality disorders ever brought up? Seeing as you were given several other diagnosis's, if you're really curious you might want to go back to this therapist and discuss SPD. Nobody can or will try and diagnose you here as it's against the rules, but you can check the diagnostic criteria at the top of the page and see how many apply to you.


Yes, I understand and agree completely that diagnosis is my doctors' job. I actually have a family appointment tomorrow, which I think will go well. I was mostly interested in posting here because I only know a handful of people with ADHD let alone something rarer like SPD. But browsing this site has showed me other's internal dialogues that actually reflect mine. I thought I was alone with these feelings for my whole life.

And no, I'm the one who brought up personality disorders only recently. However, asociality specifically has been a central topic from the beginning. I've drilled this point of concern into my doctors and they've helped me so much. It's just that now that the training wheels are off, nothing's happening and I can't help but feel that's right for me. Over the past week that cognitive dissonance has really thrown me for a loop, so much so that I can barely talk to anyone without drifting into those anxious thoughts: what if I'm different in a way that can't be fixed, just worked around? How will I get people to understand? What else could it be? How will I afford an apartment, car note, insurance, etc.?

I'm hoping this is what the afterlife is like.


Thanks for the laugh. God willing.

For reasons I won't get into, I think more and more people are feeling this way these days. But in order to be diagnosed schizoid, you first have to fit the criteria for a personality disorder. Do your symptoms interfere with your job, relationships, happiness or ability to function?


I've passed every online test I've taken for SPD (even differential PD tests, on which I test high for Paranoid but not much else) and I actually brought the DSM-5, ICD-10 and Millon's subtype descriptions to therapy with me with personal notes and several other things. A few years ago, my psych made me do a MMPI and he told me the results suggest I display paranoid thoughts and latent aggression. More than anything Akhtar's profile on Wikipedia has helped me understand the "schism" in SPD people, which I see in myself very strongly, even the weird-er items.

I've essentially given up on friendship and it doesn't bother me. Acquaintances are fine. I decided to be open about everything with the current girlfriend and she's unbelievably supportive. My family life is a chore that I don't mind doing. So far I've worked as a groundskeeper and a janitor and I really do enjoy working but holy mother of God people can be mistrustful and divisive. I like and am good at doing my own thing. Thankfully there's lots of jobs for me.
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Re: unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

Postby unoon » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:12 pm

smirks wrote:What would you do if you weren't obligated to do anything?

Maybe try doing that.

As long as that something isn't "nothing", and it's a stable, healthy lifestyle for you, I think you might find yourself in a happier place than trying to meet all of these obligations you don't seem to care about.


I desperately want that lifestyle. Now that you've said that, I'm gonna see what other people on this forum do professionally. Financial independence is something I can't shut up about in therapy, but I'm getting closer every day, especially with my girlfriend and her mom's support. It just seems to me that it's unreasonably difficult to get people to understand that someone who's alone all day in their room is actually better off that way. It's gonna be a long road and I still don't have a diagnosis, whatever it may end up being. Right now I still live with my parents and having a hyper-gregarious, devout family that comes over in large numbers to our house multiple times a week is so difficult. I fear that I'm never going to get the message across to all of them, thus their concern for me will just continue to grow.
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Re: unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

Postby unoon » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:50 pm

Thank you. This is all information I've never thought of or considered before.

orinoco wrote:From what you write an early childhood trauma (before the age of 3) and following a complex PTSD is very likely.
Grown up in a very rigorous religious, catholic environment makes emotional abuse very likely.
And all your behaviour shows that you are compensating very heavily struggling with your psychological handicap.


Literally never thought of any of that. If one never grew up in that environment, the guilt factor is so crazy it's almost comical.

Try to answer the following questions to yourself:
- How do you see your emotional relationship to your mother? Warm? Cold? highly reserved?


Highly reserved. I have many stories when she made it impossible to relate normally to her.

For example, a year or two ago, we were having a friendly discussion. She has a bad habit of fault-finding thus it escalated into an argument about everything I have difficulty with. When I turned it on her, she took a meat cleaver, slammed it on the counter in front of me and said, "Why don't you just kill me then!" My response was, "If you keep doing this kind of stuff to the people you love, you're going to drive them crazy." Then I walked away and they were speechless.

By no means the worst example. Needless to say, it hasn't been good for ... ever. My father is a good man but innately overly passive. I believe he knows on some level that this kind of behavior isn't reasonable, it's just that nobody knows what to do. She's 58 for God's sake. So last month I told her I think she's Borderline which lit the fuse of, "There's nothing wrong with me. You're the one with the problems." Maybe I should just bring her to therapy with me more often.

- How do you handle fear and stress? Does it take long to recover, compared to neurotypic people?


Not well and everyone around me notices this. I don't live with much fear but stress and socialization take weeks to recover from sometimes. I've adopted my mother's strategy of just get angry and complete the task.

- Do you have any physical symptoms? sleeping problems? sweating? aching back? allergies? other kind of chronic problems?


Besides the impossibly life-complicating DSPD, no. I don't find it difficult to talk to people, they just never seem to make it into my narrow aperture of concern.

Depending on your answers it's very likely that you have a persistent problem in autoregulating your emotions. This is a persistent handicap and IMHO the best therapy is understanding and true empathie by yourself and your social environment.
Learning more about early childhood trauma I recommend Bruce D. Perry, Shelley Uram and Bryan Post.


Thanks for the names. Nobody in my family accepts that childhood trauma exists beyond the worst examples: rape, beating the crap out of you, targeted, excessive bullying; none of which happened to me. Some part of me still can't accept that it was abuse besides in a cold, rational diagnostic sense.
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Re: unusual diagnosis, plz help a noob

Postby Akyest » Sat Feb 16, 2019 11:21 pm

I feel like this hypersensitivity and you masking your inner feelings all the time is a part of being Schizoid. When you constantly think making plans with people is just unpleasant and nothing you'd ever want to do. You don't seem to want to connect emotionally. Schizoids have trouble with intimacy and with your case, I don't know if that's true. On the other hand, if you cannot form a connection it is something that needs to be addressed. It's not that it means you're abnormal. Being social is something that is very important in today's society. A lot of people tend to look down on others who don't have many connections or up-to-date with the current political news. All this stress builds up inside you which leads to these psychotic breaks. Where you push everyone away and everything is a threat.

I am Schizoid and I struggle, I'll admit. If you feel you don't have any issues then maybe you don't have to worry about it. I have fears I'll end up some crazy cat lady. It's all about perspective and what you need to work with. I wouldn't get too worked up about a diagnosis.
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