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Restraining from acting... randomly/insane?

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Restraining from acting... randomly/insane?

Postby Nul » Sat Dec 01, 2018 2:06 am

I don't really know where this thread belongs, but I'm sure I can find good insight here. I'm actually an ex-member of this forum (back in 2012) and I used to dwell mostly in the schizoid forum as I shared many traits with them, but I lost my old account info, so rip.

I'm a nihilist, never really managed to get out of the mindset that nothing matters, no right or wrong, everything is just casual. I distract myself on a daily basis with my job, videogames, books, movies, or anything that tells a story. All of this is to escape boredom.

However, recently I've been feeling more and more like suddenly start acting randomly. Since nothing really matters, it's completely arbitrary for me to suddenly interrupt my job, break something, then resume my job like nothing, ignore my boss, then interact with him again and talk about forests and random things, then go out of his office while still blabbering nonsense and steal a car, drive to mcdonalds, buy a hot dog and toss it on the ground, then pick it up and wear it as a helmet while singing. Then phone the technician for the boiler and engage in engineering discussion about technical stuff, then throw the phone in the river for no real reason, make a tent and start camping like that. Then go again back at work as if nothing happened and pretend I don't remember anything and maybe even fake mental illness (even though I'm perfectly aware of what's going on).

This may sound like delirium, but I'm actually very conscious and rational as I type this stuff. I know all of this would "ruin" what I've built so far, but since what I've built doesn't really matter in the grand scheme, consciously screwing it up is also completely neutral and arbitrary. It helps in relieving boredom.

Currently I spend a good 20-30% of my energy to restrain myself from acting out my thoughts. You could say this is what it means to have self-control, but do people really struggle so much in daily life from acting insane? I'm not even doing a stressing job, I'm very quiet, my life is super calm and relaxing.

Does any of you relate to this?
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Re: Restraining from acting... randomly/insane?

Postby Holodeck » Sun Dec 02, 2018 4:03 pm

We can't diagnose here but this sounds a lot like the mania I used to get before I was on my mood stabilizers. I'm surprised that I came off as stable as I did and how stable I would be from time to time between thoughts like that. Often I would carry out things that weren't rational. At. All.

Do you ever spend a lot of money on pointless things?
Ever constantly crave "energy" foods (possibly including caffeine?
Do you ever feel on top of the world one day like you could wrestle a shark and the next or so crash to the point of making every excuse imaginable to not leave bed. I'm not talking tired but tired after 12+ hours of sleep?

Not that it isn't unconscious but in my situation it's more like being a happy drunk or a sad and with a hangover drunk. I know I did it but I know I shouldn't have and there is sometimes haziness or even complete black outs with some parts.

Also, whatever you have you should talk to a doctor and not drink. I'm honestly surprised I never wound up in jail for things I did when happy drunk while actually drunk.
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Re: Restraining from acting... randomly/insane?

Postby octopustentacles » Sun Dec 30, 2018 12:06 am

Does McD's even serve hotdogs? Best to wait for the McRib.....i think thats maybe around Shamrock Shake season.
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Re: Restraining from acting... randomly/insane?

Postby solemnlysworn » Sun Dec 30, 2018 1:05 pm

Aspects of the post call close to home.

I can live life calculating and detached. Risk/Reward ratios are fairly considered and I act in (what I consider to be) a rational way. I understand being patient and prudent and can manage living through intellectualisations.

There are then mood changes where, even though I'm fully conscious of what I'm doing, I'm seduced by a kind of madness-- Energy that I only want channeled through being risky or dangerous and letting a kind of sadism out to play games. I rush around in a folly, causing trouble, busting with potent energy and keenly aware but seemingly unable to be weighed by consequence-- They don't matter anymore. In that moment, I'm doing exactly what I want and it's all that's relevant. I'm not sure why it is so dark. I want to taste blood.

As a child, there was less disparity between the two. Both aspects were less pronounced and came together to make a cohesive picture but one that outsiders found turbulent. My mother called me Jekyll and Hyde; Polite and charming one instant then flicking a switch and slamming people into the ground. The thing is, there was utility to that. It was untempered with lack of age and experience but looking back I can see that it was object-oriented.

This other energy, though, I only really saw trickle out more steadily growing up. Now it comes out in bursts and it doesn't have the coarse utilitarian logic I used as a kid. It's just plain irrational.

Because those behaviours are what have caused me most of my difficulties with other people and institutions, it might be the case that in my late teens I managed to hold detachment and 'shut it off' for longer and so it was pushed back enough that it's not an issue-- but it rears it's head and all of a sudden I feel full again and playful and present.

Maybe it's a form of (hypo?)mania, like mentioned previously. How it was integrated more steadily before in my life, though, makes me wonder if I've just built dams that got carried under every so often.
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Re: Restraining from acting... randomly/insane?

Postby Ashlar » Sun Dec 30, 2018 3:59 pm

I can't really address the psychological or mood part of this, but I think it's important that in realizing that "nothing matters" a lot of people immediately get stuck on "why do anything" and you've just stumbled into one of the other positions of "why not do everything". Another third option rarely seen is, "I can do anything!" which then can be done in productive or destructive ways. At the end of the day it's you're choice, but also at the end of the day you're a big pile of meat that is configured to operate a certain way.

As for "right and wrong" remember that morality doesn't have to come from some divine place. Some stoics (the Marcus Aurelius type) attribute morality to your society and doing good with respect to that. To me it's a "pick your poison" situation, it's not that morality doesn't exist, but that you need to find a morality that you personally believe in. In the case of some people they lack the empathy to see things from other people's perspectives, or they selectively turn it off, and I think that's bad... but those people exist the same way whether your morality is something dogmatic or not... they will always be predators.

Why not take your arbitrary energy and just schedule a vacation or something with no plan of where to go or what to do and then when it's time just go and spend some of that energy.
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Re: Restraining from acting... randomly/insane?

Postby muaddib » Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:44 pm

Ashlar wrote:Why not take your arbitrary energy and just schedule a vacation or something with no plan of where to go or what to do and then when it's time just go and spend some of that energy.

I definitely second this; I'd especially try to get back to nature for a little while (or the land if you have some family in the country). I don't know for sure whether everything is pointless or not, but however pointless life is in general, 99% of contemporary society is a total farce in comparison.
“Oh Freedom! You are a bad dream!” - Heinrich Heine
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