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Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby solemnlysworn » Thu Nov 29, 2018 6:57 am

I must contact my family every 3-4 months. Generally speaking they’ve reached out before then but I have some social obligations that my parents insist I uphold if I’m to receive what I am entitled to. Other than attending those responsibilities, I tend not to see them nor make contact.

There isn’t need to explain myself. They’d lived with me for years and it’s been the same my whole life. I wonder what you think is preventing your family from realising your disposition, OP
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby Cholls » Fri Nov 30, 2018 4:24 pm

naps wrote:My problem is that I'm usually too polite. ... Usually it's clients, so I can't be rude.
An ounce of politeness can help one avoid all kinds of problems--especially female retaliation. I desperately need to learn such skills.

naps wrote:Living with my family was like being in a horror movie stalking scene that went on forever.
Tell me about it. I can hardly wait for Shelob (my mother) to die.

naps wrote:Yes, thank you Captain Hindsight. :D
Sorry for the dick move, naps. Actually, I owe you one. Seriously.

Your statement that a family will actually cut someone out of the will for failure to satisfactorily 'act the part' has helped to cement my policy. The only weapon my mother has against me now is the power to crush me one last time. But, as Steve Biko said, “The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed.”. Your comment may have helped me to permanently disarm her.

naps wrote:I was told I was in it and my half of the estate was hung over my head as a deterrent to, well, be myself.

The depths to which some parents will stoop to get even with their kids for having been born never fails to amaze me.

What you've told us says a LOT about your relatives. If it's any consolation, it's highly unlikely that they left this world in an enviable state of mind. Not even close.

* * *
nis wrote:My problem is that my relatives did not do anything hurtful to me, so cutting them off completely is harder than if they were abusive. I simply don't have an interest in interacting with people, including family. It has nothing to do with the way they treated me in the past, I'm simply not interested - but how to explain this to family who have no concept of SPD? It would be quite unkind and hurtful for me to say, "I just have no interest in communicating with you", but that is the truth.
It takes time for NTs to begin to grasp what it means to have SPD, even if you have already told them about it.

If your relatives have done nothing hurtful to you over the years, they probably care enough about you to hear your story. It will probably take longer than you'd like for them to even begin to understand. Perhaps telling them about the reddit schizoid forum (if you are worried that they might find this thread) would help them learn about SPD.

Taking the time to inform them about SPD, emphasizing that you accept yourself and are comfortable 'this way', like Henry David Thoreau, might go a LONG way towards getting you out of holiday torture.

They're probably going to be hurt no matter what you do. However, explaining that they've done nothing wrong and that you're happier alone will eventually sink in. Telling them about books and the reddit forum will, I think, be vital to helping them gradually accept your reality.

--> If they care about you (and it sounds like they do), they won't try to control your behavior for their own egotistical satisfaction.
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby nis » Fri Nov 30, 2018 5:21 pm

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to this post, and for the advice and feedback. I think the main problem is that my parents are dependent on me for their happiness and fulfillment in life. They use me as a surrogate spouse. They expect/want me to call them every single day, and if they had a choice, to spend every waking moment with them. They aren't like normal parents who allow their adult children to grow up and live independent lives - which complicates things.

Even though I tell them that my only desire in life is to be left alone, to live on my own private island with no human contact, they don't take me seriously and berate me for being selfish, maladjusted, etc. Of course it doesn't help that I wear a mask and walk on eggshells/adjust my behavior so they will not be upset with me. I have never even considered telling them about SPD as we are not an emotionally open/close family and i don't trust my parents to respond in a healthy, supportive manner.
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby Akuma » Sat Dec 01, 2018 7:06 am

nis wrote:Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to this post, and for the advice and feedback. I think the main problem is that my parents are dependent on me for their happiness and fulfillment in life. They use me as a surrogate spouse. They expect/want me to call them every single day, and if they had a choice, to spend every waking moment with them. They aren't like normal parents who allow their adult children to grow up and live independent lives - which complicates things.

Even though I tell them that my only desire in life is to be left alone, to live on my own private island with no human contact, they don't take me seriously and berate me for being selfish, maladjusted, etc. Of course it doesn't help that I wear a mask and walk on eggshells/adjust my behavior so they will not be upset with me. I have never even considered telling them about SPD as we are not an emotionally open/close family and i don't trust my parents to respond in a healthy, supportive manner.


On the one hand side you explain that your parents did nothing hurtful or abusive to you, while on the other hand side you describe hurtful neglect and emotional abuse. Being able to do so without seeing the contradiction is typical for schizoid mechanisms. But maybe becoming more aware that the interaction-style in your family is not only "not normal" but actually abusive [towards you] can give you more of a handle on carrying your point.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby Cholls » Thu Dec 06, 2018 2:50 pm

Akuma wrote:
nis wrote:... my parents are dependent on me for their happiness and fulfillment in life. They use me as a surrogate spouse. They expect/want me to call them every single day, and if they had a choice, to spend every waking moment with them. They aren't like normal parents who allow their adult children to grow up and live independent lives - which complicates things.

Even though I tell them ... my only desire ..., they don't take me seriously and berate me for being selfish, maladjusted, etc. ... I have never even considered telling them about SPD as we are not an emotionally open/close family and i don't trust my parents to respond in a healthy, supportive manner.


On the one hand side you explain that your parents did nothing hurtful or abusive to you, while on the other hand side you describe hurtful neglect and emotional abuse. Being able to do so without seeing the contradiction is typical for schizoid mechanisms. But maybe becoming more aware that the interaction-style in your family is not only "not normal" but actually abusive [towards you] can give you more of a handle on carrying your point.

@nis, my physically and emotionally abusive single-parent mother was also 'dependent on me for (her) happiness and fulfillment in life (and) use(d) me as a surrogate spouse'.

Out of all the abuse she dealt me, making me her surrogate spouse, solely responsible for her happiness (despite her 2nd and now 3rd husbands), has had the longest-lasting, most devastating effects on my life, my relationships, and my ability to actually feel like I exist.

* * *

@Akuma, schizoid or not,

the child who is brainwashed from earliest youth to believe unquestioningly that he or she bears sole responsibility for the parents' happiness has no idea that he or she has been used.

It's hard to admit that your parent(s) not only never saw you, but don't actually care about you and view you as an accessory who exists purely to satisfy their needs.

* * *

@nis, it took a LONG time for me to gradually regard my mother's clingy behavior as abusive (like that of a repressed incestuous lesbian). But, at some level, it had repulsed me since early childhood.

One day in my early 30s, the thought popped into my head, "Vampires exist in real life. My mother is a vampire.". Living through me, sucking the life out of me. Telling me what I like, why to drop this boyfriend, why to drop that friend, what to wear, what to eat, what colors to like, what to think, when to take a $h1t (you bet, that to!), etc.

* * *

You are not responsible for their happiness.

That they have made it clear to you that they believe you are is titanic selfishness equivalent to the greatest Evil. Fundamentally, they don't actually care about *you*. Although you talk frequently, you can't even tell them about SPD.

They don't want to hear it because it doesn't suit their needs.

Are you an only child? One of the things such narcissistic(?)/effed-up parents do to guarantee the children's continued presence is raise the children to be unable to fend for themselves, so they'll be completely dependent on inheriting their parents' money.

I have seen this pattern repeated at least 3 times with people whom I have known well, and have read about it ad nauseam in blogs.

If you can survive on your own without an inheritance from them, cut them out of your life and run like Hell. These are people willing to sacrifice the child they brought into the world on the altar of their emotional needs. Needs which they are too cowardly to satisfy for themselves.

"It's never too late to start all over again."

Before they kick the bucket, they need to learn to feel the wind in their hair, to feel the joy of making themselves happy. Can they? Certainly. Will they? FAQ it. It ain't your problem.

Get the Hell away.

"It's never too late to start all over again."

For you too, nis. You cannot control how happy they are. Only each of them can. You are not responsible for them. You are only responsible for yourself.
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby Cholls » Thu Dec 06, 2018 3:19 pm

nis wrote:... They aren't like normal parents who allow their adult children to grow up and live independent lives... .

'Normal' parents seem to be, from many many conversations over the years, rather rare.
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby Philonoe » Fri Dec 07, 2018 4:04 pm

Cholls wrote:'Normal' parents seem to be, from many many conversations over the years, rather rare.


Of course all families, all parents, all people have issues.

But personally it took very very long time to realise that some attitude or acts that i believed were normal, are not.
That not all parents do that.

I remember being surprised when invited in a family and during the dinner and the boy talked of his day and people just talked quietly and nobody agressed him.
I remember when a friend talked about her son moving away from home and it was positive and she was not trying to hold him back
I remember being surprised by the complicity - or at least simplicity - between mother and daughter or even mother and stepdaughter

for instance.

I can find plenty of other examples...
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby nis » Mon Dec 10, 2018 3:33 pm

When you grow up with controlling parents, you get so used to being controlled you start thinking it is normal behavior. Even in normal, non-dysfunctional families parents can be controlling, esp in certain cultures. I hate how parents think they own you and can control your life just because they gave birth to you.
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby CityMouse » Tue Dec 11, 2018 2:47 am

I just got approached by my mom about me not interacting. I have trouble following her words because I hate to say it, but she's boring. So I zone out and caught up in my inner world.

Sister is a control freak. She's one of the reasons why I think being a control freak is normal and why the inner world involves thoughts of people harassing me. She triggers my maladaptive daydreams when I get near her. I try to limit our conversations to texting.

Aunts are all control freaks. Bible thumper, brainwashes all the children, I guess whether the parents like it or not. One is a career woman, badgers you into bootstrappin it. Another is a fitness freak, said if I lived with her she would force me to go running. Runs 8 miles a day, at age 66 or so. 8 miles.
Another gets snippy so I have to watch my back.

Uncles are cool but we have nothing to talk about.
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Re: Explaining lack of interest in communicating to family

Postby nis » Tue Dec 11, 2018 3:19 pm

My life is so much better having cut off from all relationships decades ago, and I know my life would be perfect if I could just do the same with my family but something in me doesn't heave the heart or courage.
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