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Autistic with schizoid traits|dammit life w suicide ideation

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Autistic with schizoid traits|dammit life w suicide ideation

Postby ApprenticeOfGames » Tue Aug 28, 2018 2:53 pm

This is going here because i don't think autistic sites will provide me what i want which is just to read my long ass rant about my stupidly elaborate suicidal thoughts that are always there like they are just waiting for my mind to have a hole in its defence. It is like a harassment of the brain by a besieging army. Life is not all bad considering but ###$ me they are persistent. Oh and also maybe to convince me a little bit why i shouldn't avoid the GP like they are a carrier of the black death. Like maybe if i meet them as myself without as many barriers, then i might see a chance of recovery reached. Do i even have a recovery stage to reach? Who knows, life sucked away most of my recovery goals as i set them. Well that is when i do which is rare lol :P

Just gonna have this here as an extra note to the people who care to read this after that weird perspective of mine above this. I have been diagnosed with high functioning autism but the periods of introspection, my preference to do solitary activities, my perceived limited emotions, my ability to enjoy very few activities and my lack of desire for sex with another person have brought me here. There may be more i can't think of right now though. Oh and it is also due to the fact that i can't connect much at all with any of the communities i have visited in the sub reddits related to autism and aspergers aka ASD. The autism forums on here are also good but i am not at a stage where they could help me more than this forum. Weird as that sounds... This is also a pretty heavy topic so yeah...

Anyways i guess in some situations especially ones regarding my mental health especially with my history of suicidal thoughts, itt seems i now i seem to unknowingly let the irrational part of my brain take some control in my daily life. It has all along seemingly craved acknowledgement of some kind so badly that it goes up and up in its views of suicide like it wants to disillusion itself into believing it is the only way out of anything and everything. Having a passive force fight in your head suddenly turn actively aggressive on a dime just like a light switch, that is what my suicidal thoughts are like.

Now the rational part of me has taken multiple steps to get some sort of professional help before but it all idk nothing i do is right in this direction and the mental health professionals i have seen just seem to point at me and say there is nothing "really" wrong with you. Like am i really depressed or what? Well no one knows right?

While i seem to think someone has a magic way to see through my torment, they seem to think everything will calm down in my head if i talked to my GP. How will everything calm down when i just don't want to live this life even when not in a "depressive mood" i just tolerate it along with the daily thoughts of suicide. Nothing helps me move along but my own willpower and something else maybe. I just really don't get how pills will help anything. I am not a classic case of anything especially when it comes to depression and i feel like an alien all the time even when i am alone.

Man the mental health professional i saw in person who got referred me by my GP i hadn't talked to for months was the worse yet. I get she wanted to try a new approach but it just made my mother and i feel unwelcome and the lines "What will you do when your parents die" and "More of this and you will get institutionalised". First off my parents and i work on that its a slow process, second off what for? I didn't say i had any plans or the desire to anytime soon though i had a suicide diary she didn't know about but really half of me wrote that to get the thoughts off my back and half actually wanted to commit suicide on a certain day but... Let me remind you she was not a therapist, it was just ###$ up in my opinion.

Anyways like i said she wasn't a therapist of any kind. She was a nurse with a mental health related title i can't remember and her appointment letter i have no idea where it is. It was her tone and other stuff that made me and my mother uncomfortable and very unwelcome like my issues are my own fault completely or something. Her suggestions were stuff i already do and she made my mum when she in the room feel crap. Her approach was not suited to me and triggered my fight or flight response which i mostly had to suppress til i could leave midway though and have her talk to my mum alone while i waited for her for too long...

In reality though i can't explain much of why she was so bad, maybe it is the fact she acted like my problems were just me putting them on or something like that or that she seemed like she knew my sort of person (maybe i was reading into it too much though). Her comments that i put in my post are my memory's crappy version of the questions. They are the kind a person ask after getting to know your side of the story in my opinion. They weren't helpful and it didn't help that i was antagonistic against her it seems due to her smothering style of address of my mum's competence or something like that. Its like she thought she knew me and my mum's role in me, it was anger inducing. It felt like it was her time not mine to idk talk about $#%^?

All in all she was a one off and i won't be seeing her again and she didn't seem to want to see us again either anyway. I guess i want a therapist for stuff but bad timing when i got that email meant i deleted it since i was in a hate the world mood or something. This was due to what i will be talking about below :P

Ah yes that day of wanting to stop the cogs in my head from going round. The result was not a suicide attempt per say but more of me trying to self harm without a knife. I wished i could die from it but unconscious or a coma was the result i expected. It was impulsive and stupid and it totally didn't work, i guess the mental object was not solid and hard enough or something. Anyway after that idiotic self harm attempt along with some good old punching a door in frustration. I decide randomly to call my local crisis number just to talk $#%^ about my mental stability and moan about how my mind made me want to tap out of life but the attempt to get a reprieve from these thoughts did ###$ all.

Their response after asking me crappy questions in my opinion. Ah yes this feels like a real exaggerated and stupid cry for help yep yep. Let's recommend them to see their GP the next day and make them feel like they faked the whole thing to get sympathy for their 10 years of suicidal thoughts. Granted this all is probably my fault since i have a bad habit of letting others take over the conversation sometimes but still... She felt dismissive at least to me and well she had work to do i guess but leaving me hanging in that space leads to a- running away b- punching a wall if i can't control myself rare but happens, last time it was my laptop screen that took the brunt of it:P

What she said to me just keeps going round and round in my head and it gets more and more inaccurate as it goes. I loathe this situation but anything i try to get out of it falls flat on its face. Idk my mind flips back and forth on talking to someone and on that day after that phone call i just half shutdown after all that $#%^... Its weird, my state of mind can flip to thinking about suicide and all the planning, imagining it, sometimes scheduling it but i never follow through and that thing i did before that phone call to my local crisis place in my mind was meant to knock me unconscious or into a coma and maybe kill me though cracking my head open and bleeding out but i never thought it through, it was kinda an impulsive maybe this will work in some way hitting yourself like a caveman with strangely light blunt object yep. It was better then punching a wall or doing something more drastic but i still don't get the point of it? Why did i do that when my intelligence knew it wouldn't work? Was it meant to be a cry of help and thus i was mad that the crisis lady dismissed me off the bat in my head at least? It is ###$!

If i had less willpower i would of tried slitting my wrist one of these days (though it doesn't work properly and it is mega painful i read) or when i ran away actually jumped off the motor way bridge or attempted one of the multiple plans in my head. Sometimes i imagine slitting my neck so i half behead myself. Its never gonna happen though...

Thing is if i ever really feel like dying by lethal means and my overactive imagination comes to focus on one plan now that would be a thing. Its stupid how suicidal people who aren't properly depressed want to prove those doubters wrong by actually attempting suicide. It is there however and no one hears it even they themselves. What do i want , idk my life isn't torment but its not enough for me and my head actively thinks it wants to die half the day everyday at least. More if i am not distracting myself proper like. Triggers are also ######6 dangerous not to me physically unless i want it but mentally ###$ me.

This lack of interest in life is killer and it used to constantly suck away my will to live. It doesn't constantly do that anymore but it hasn't left either... I have interests yes i do hit or miss sometimes but they are good, my parents love me not perfect but they are better than most i can even see that, i have no money worries for now its stable. Heck my parents and i move country in 5 years...

I am a amateur writer, its fun i try to keep the periods i enjoy it up, its therapeutic sometimes even if i am not writing about my head that is in the ground when its meant to be above it. Nothing has come of it obviously but it is early days, the obvious depressive stage has sorta just wriggled away and fell on the floor and stayed there in the depths of my head.

Being 20 years old, no one really understands why i would be like this if not for attention or to exaggerate things for who knows what. Sometimes it feels unreal and that is the misery bringing bit of this whole thing. Have i watched too much media or read to much about abnormal minds and tried to compensate too much to make life not like it is? Explain away my mind's quirks, get peace in my differences which i can't relate to anyone even a little despite all my effort.

Idk my mind flips back and forth on talking to someone and on that day after that phone call i just half shutdown after all that $#%^... Its weird, my state of mind can flip to thinking about suicide and all the planning, imagining it, sometimes scheduling it but i never follow through and that thing i did before that phone call to my local crisis place in my mind was meant to knock me unconscious or into a coma by hitting myself over the head with a blunt object, it was kinda an impulsive maybe this will work in some way hitting yourself like a caveman with yep a light metal object yep. It was better then punching a wall or doing something more drastic but i still don't get the point of it? Why did i do that when my intelligence knew it wouldn't work? Was it meant to be a cry of help and thus i was mad that the crisis lady dismissed me off the bat in my head at least? It is ###$! Gosh it is...

If i had less willpower i would of tried slitting my wrist one of these days (though it doesn't work properly and it is mega painful i read) or when i ran away i would of actually jumped off into a speeding vehicle or attempted one of the multiple plans in my head. My imagination goes on and on, the cogs being as useful as ever. Its never gonna happen though especially since those methods don't work like fantasies... Dying is one thing, being physically half dead is another. Still i am fighting my own mind here despite my rational mind always being in control if i will it... It isn't enough really, it is ###$.

Thing is if i ever really feel like dying by lethal means and my overactive imagination comes to focus on one plan now that would be a thing. Its stupid how suicidal people who aren't properly depressed want to prove those doubters wrong by actually attempting suicide. It is there however and no one hears it even they themselves. What do i want , idk my life isn't torment but its not enough for me and my head actively thinks it wants to die half the day everyday at least. More if i am not distracting myself proper like. Triggers are also ######6 dangerous not to me physically unless i want it but mentally ###$ me.

This lack of interest in life is killer and it used to constantly suck away my will to live. It doesn't constantly do that anymore but it hasn't left either... I have interests yes i do hit or miss sometimes but they are good, my parents love me not perfect but they are better than most i can even see that, i have no money worries for now its stable. Heck my parents and i move country in 5 years...

In terms of a job i don't have one (though i have volunteered before, i will try to get into that in time) although i get unemployment and pay my parents regular rent they request from me and in my free time i am a amateur writer, its fun i try to keep the periods i enjoy it up, its therapeutic sometimes even if i am not writing about my head that is in the ground when its meant to be above it. Nothing has come of it obviously but it is early days, the obvious depressive stage has sorta just wriggled away and fell on the floor and stayed there in the depths of my head due to me coping with that part of my life.

Being 20 years old, no one really understands why i would be like this if not for attention or to exaggerate things for who knows what especially since i don't fit major depression and due to being autistic can't have a personality disorder. Well it may not be medically considered one but autism is sure makes me feel i have a ######6 personality disorder Sometimes it feels unreal and that is the misery bringing bit of this whole thing. Have i watched too much media or read to much about abnormal minds and tried to compensate too much to make life not like it is? Explain away my mind's quirks autistic ones or not autistic ones, get peace in my differences when i can't relate to anyone despite all my effort to try to find positive autistic traits within me or some crap like that.

Wanting to experience the highs and lows of life like the average human, it is just too much to ask for my brain. It wants a life it understands, a life with understandable problems and a life with understandable things occurring. It knows it is too much to ask for and thus part of my brain has given up, it is the only way i can explain it and bringing it back to life is the thing that gave me the will to fight. The fight seems pointless at times though really so i just take one step at a time and hope i find a way to seek salvation.

So yep seeing a GP is a silly self created obstacle i need to get over but whatever. Part of it comes from my local surgery (British thing?) changing my GP so much and the whole pill thing. The last 2 times i went to the GP i got prescribed some pills maybe antidepressants. I read they increase suicidal thoughts so i decided to not take them since my parents were going on holiday. Obviously i lie to the doctor about taking them the next appointment (don't ask why i guess i dislike conflict in the mood i was in that day :P) So next i hear anything of that GP is through the letter saying i got referred by her and that i had an appointment with that nurse with the title i don't remember so yeah. Meh my memory is crap, not helpful that in any of this :P

So next i hear anything of that GP is through the letter saying i got referred by her and that i had an appointment with that nurse with the title i don't remember so yeah. Meh my memory is crap, not helpful that in any of this :P All in all no matter what the impromptu crisis call was not what i needed and for that i don't blame the crisis lady. It just wasn't a great idea in the first place i guess but i wanted to get away somehow and made sense then sorta.

Like i applied for local therapy ($#%^ all it will do i expect) but all i heard was delays and then silence. Oh and guess what the day this wannabe mental health crisis happened i saw a email from one of those places with an assessment date in a few days.

Ah guess what though i self sabotaged myself again by not going for no real reason apart from i am not able to be helped as i am not bad enough. It is real stupid but that is what talking to mental health professional like those i talked about makes me feel. They know i have difficulties verbalising any thoughts related to me but when i passed my GPs my writings about my mental health they only believe the bare minimum or only read the bare minimum one or the other.

How does one get taken seriously when half of the problems caused by your up and down mental health is because of either your elaborate story telling that they see as #######4 for attention or just you being you and saying the bare minimum. I can't find a middle ground because half of it feels made up or at least exaggerated and the other half feels like i brought it upon myself.

Another thing every time i have a random ass suicidal urge or a self harm urge i can always control myself always and it drives me nuts. It keeps me safe but in my experience no one takes you seriously if you are just verbal about this $#%^. Lately every year close to a potential suicide location i have to talk myself out of just giving in to the impulse and it drives you nuts. Heck not being lethal enough is the main thing but there are lethal locations i try and stay away from and its ######6 having to do that.

The worse part is it is my subconscious mind wanting to just end it. I don't suffer in my monotonous life but the "supposed" numbness i feel makes me feel empty despite me knowing i am not empty at all. Possible reincarnation also has a weird calling to it to me despite my rational self thinking of it exactly as it does the mad existence of time travel.
A 19 year old diagnosed Aspie with most of the traits of a person with Schizoid Personality Disorder.

Also an aspiring writer of stories. Currently working on finding the motivation needed for this sort of dedicated career but i believe i can get the job done well if ya know what i mean, so yea... Fight on me, fight!
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Re: Autistic with schizoid traits|dammit life w suicide ideation

Postby smirks » Tue Aug 28, 2018 3:55 pm

You sound like you have a very busy brain.

From your post, I think one thing that you might want is for someone to acknowledge your thoughts. I have read your post, and I do acknowledge that it seems that you have a real problem, and I think that you should be able to find a mental health professional to listen to you and acknowledge your problems. Your thoughts are valid thing that is happening.

I think one thing that might help you is to acknowledge that mental health is going to be a long, slow process, and that you might not like every bit of it, and that mental health professionals are going to get things wrong from time to time. Think of it like the scientific process... every time someone is wrong about something, you get closer to finding the thing that is right. I think it would be helpful to focus on the idea that the goal is to eventually find something that makes life better for you, even if it means wading through a lot of other stuff first. I think that if you presuppose that nothing will work....then, well....nothing will work.

I don't know if that helps.
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Re: Autistic with schizoid traits|dammit life w suicide ideation

Postby UnfortunateEvents » Tue Aug 28, 2018 5:25 pm

Post...too...long...don't have attention span...
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Re: Autistic with schizoid traits|dammit life w suicide ideation

Postby orinoco » Wed Aug 29, 2018 9:53 pm

To make long things short: our common problem is our lack of ability to self regulation our emotions, mostly because of adverse childhood experience in the "sitting duck" stage, which lead to a complex PTSD. Thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself are very effective self medication against our stress. And like any medication or drugs they can lead to dependency. And they are only effective against the symptoms and do not cure you. "Mitsugo no tamashii hyaku made" - The soul of a three year old stays with him a hundred years. We cannot change our soul. We missed the time window to learn the autoregulation of emotions, like "neurotypical" people did. So we must get along with our challenged soul. Psychological professionals are no help in most cases as they have no idea about brain development. On the contrary: often they make things worse. To me they are a waste of time and money. I can do better myself.
My advice: if you want to be no longer dependent on self-destructive thoughts, try to find other anti-stress things e.g. self-determination, self-efficiency, a truely supportive relationship or any other thing that feels good for you and does not destroy you. And avoid stressing situations. And get to know how emotions work in general and inside you, because understanding things means getting control on them to some extend and that is self-efficiency. AFAIK that is the best you can do.
And you might check the relation to your parents, especially your mother and what may have happened when you were "sitting duck" age 1½ to 3, that could have traumatized you e.g. absence, illness, depression of the mother.
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Re: Autistic with schizoid traits|dammit life w suicide ideation

Postby Holodeck » Fri Aug 31, 2018 2:11 pm

One thing to keep in mind is that you might not be completely in tune with your emotions involving depression. My boyfriend has Aspergers and often has this issue. He also has suicidal ideations and attempted a few years before I met him. If you're in deep depression it can be harder to read as over time depression can cause one to not feel depressed (or much at all).

A good psychologist can go a long way but I know those are tough to find. I read everything and it certainly sounds like you do have a form of depression. You say you don't always have extreme bouts and though it might come and go...I have bipolar. Mine comes and goes when I'm not on meds.
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