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BPD courting SPD

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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby Cholls » Tue Oct 09, 2018 7:43 pm

LeelaTuranga wrote:He never started first ,but he responded always and quick but completely unemotioneless.
I wondered that if he didn't want to talk why didn't he just stop answering and ignore me.

That sounds just like my friend. Exactly, actually.

Now that we are at a potential stopping point in our 'friendship' (hard to say if he thinks it is a friendship), I am not sure if I want to start up another conversation with him. While he cannot experience happiness or love, he can feel anger, despair, sorrow, and annoyance. He can also wax irrational, and got annoyed during our last conversation. We met on a forum, and he was quite famous for arguing there.

It makes me sad, because my impression was that he wanted to keep up our correspondence.

ENFPENTP wrote:One of their main love languages are acts and gestures of service. Don't offer help too much, but if they ask, be there for them. By example, if he is looking for a job, forward job leads to him. Create an "unintentional connection".
-You need to be patient, but also know that ultimately your efforts could be unrewarded.

My friend and I are attending an industry event tomorrow and I am trying to stay cognizant of all these rules.

Wow, thank you, ENFPENTP Very kind of you :)
Stay cool tomorrow, and have a good time!
Last edited by Cholls on Tue Oct 09, 2018 7:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby LeelaTuranga » Tue Oct 09, 2018 7:49 pm

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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby ENFPENTP » Tue Oct 09, 2018 8:48 pm

ENFPENTP wrote:One of their main love languages are acts and gestures of service. Don't offer help too much, but if they ask, be there for them. By example, if he is looking for a job, forward job leads to him. Create an "unintentional connection".
-You need to be patient, but also know that ultimately your efforts could be unrewarded.

My friend and I are attending an industry event tomorrow and I am trying to stay cognizant of all these rules.

Wow, thank you, ENFPENTP Very kind of you :)
Stay cool tomorrow, and have a good time![/quote]

No problem and thank you for the encouragement. That's exactly what I need to do. Stay cool like Fonzi lol. The schizoid personality has much in common with the personality type INTJ in the MBTI world. More than one INTJ I have met confirmed that they possess several SPD traits. You will gain much insight into SPD if you research both subjects (SPD disorder and INTJs).

One SPDer Iet on Quora told me that what works in rhe mainstream, also works with SPDers on some level. Keep in touch with him, but follow your other interests. Indulge your own interests, enjoy life. He may start seeing you a little differently.

If you are really attracted to this type I would advise you to google all the tech and science events and conferences in your area. Dress appropriately and attend/crash them. Industries loke computer science, engineering, architecture, etc. will be teeming with male "nerdists" and in turn you will run into a lot of INTJ dudes lol. Maybe you'll meet one who is a little more sociable and makes himself more accessible to your interests. Best of luck.
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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby Ashlar » Tue Oct 09, 2018 8:54 pm

LeelaTuranga wrote:i don't know i think if i knew what i know now, i wouldn't be triggered so much to be so upset. but maybe it wouldn't make a difference and is better that i did it. maybe i would have learned more also.
i have no idea why psychological stuff intrigue me.


So you know what you know now (unclear what that is I guess), but you want to know more (from this specific person, not in general)? If you're interested in psychology there's a whole field of it to look at.
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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby LeelaTuranga » Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:09 pm

i am not sure if you mean that but yes i could go to university actually do another 4 + years but this is so difficult for many personal reasons that i would gladly talk about but probably here is not the right place.but i would love it if i had time and money as a hobby to even go to university.i do not like it practically as a job realsitically but i would love to study it in my absurd dreams.

sorry for the dot above i couldn't delete the post.
i thought of it again after the posts above and i thought my decission to burn bridges was the right one.there was nothing more to learn from him.
although sometimes personal experience is different than a forum or books,it makes you learn more.practicall experience makes things more clear i guess you can say.
one thing of what i wrote before was that i realized i was superfical,if i wasn't so attracted to him and he was ugly i wouldn't like his personality to keep talking to him
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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby anathegram » Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:15 pm

LeelaTuranga wrote:i thought of it again after the posts above and i thought my decission to burn bridges was the right one.there was nothing more to learn from him.

that's the spirit
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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby LeelaTuranga » Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:21 pm

^ yeah!! :lol: i think @ENFPENTP (or cholls answer maybe too) made me realized this all of a sudden.i have no clue why.suddenly a feeling xD
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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby Cholls » Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:23 pm

ENFPENTP wrote:One SPDer Iet on Quora told me that what works in the mainstream, also works with SPDers on some level. Keep in touch with him, but follow your other interests. Indulge your own interests, enjoy life. He may start seeing you a little differently.

Enjoy hanging out with myself, in other words :D
Be the person with whom I most want to hang out :D
Become my own best friend :D

Hey, ENFPENTP, you RULE!!! Thank you for the reminder. Having lurked here prior to joining, and having read your posts, I wish the same for you.

Now that you've caused me to reflect, I actually prefer my company to that of my SPD friend. He hates people, is wracked with self-loathing, overflowing with misery, and has deliberately messed with people on the forum where we met. Despite being SPD, he can be very illogical, although at such times, I'm not sure whether he's sincere or putting on an act.

However, he has a unique sense of humor, I can talk with him about almost anything, and what I tell him won't go anywhere (I'm the only person with whom he has ever communicated as himself, not as a mask.).

He is the only person with SPD who has disclosed that to me, and interacting with him has made me look at my own personality in eye-opening ways, such as 'the mask'. Do what extent do I wear one or several? What is 'my personality' like (he has said repeatedly that he has no personality, no self)? What, specifically, defines it? How do I know I actually have one? Is this just a socially-programmed assumption? How does he know he doesn't have a personality?

Regardless of whether or not we grow as friends, having gotten to know my SPD pal has changed me, has pointed out flaws in my personality on which I need to work. And that's always a good thing.

Having spent years conquering my natural introversion, it might not be obvious. However, I tested as an INTJ, have a c.s. degree, and have worked as an electrical engineer, and am not only familiar with the INTJ 'type', but am a recovering one :)
_____________________________

LeelaTuranga wrote:i thought my decision to burn bridges was the right one...
although sometimes personal experience is different than a forum or books though makes you learn more. practical experience makes things more clear i guess you can say.
one thing of what i wrote before was that i realized i was superficial, if i wasn't so attracted to him and he was ugly i wouldn't like his personality to keep talking to him

Yeah. Hoo boy. Nothing beats personal experience or, rather, pain, as a teacher. That self-honesty on your part has helped me. My friend is definitely not gorgeous, but he's interesting looking. Were he 'gross', I would steer clear. LeelaTuranga, you have grabbed my face and made me look at how superficial I am, so thank you :D

ENFPENTP and LeelaTuranga, all of what you have so frankly shared has helped me to clarify the things from which I have been running. I am extraordinarily creative when it comes to self-deception and finding ways to run away from my own issues. Thank you for sharing.
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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby LeelaTuranga » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:41 am

i deleted where there is a dot above but now i am thinking about it more.
i was saying something like "don't you feel alone? why would you want that?"
and then oops sorry i forget that some people chase (even abusers) and i don't have that feeling.
now i feel like half borderline in a way where i feel the same but instead of being triggered to chase i have only the second part that i want to burn bridges.
the last time i had a crush with a guy i realized this too.
only i was chasing him because he did it first and my pride wasn't hurt.
but i am pretty sure my fear of intimacy/abandonment makes me stay in toxic situations that feel so unfullfilling but more comfortable.
maybe there is a relatability with fear and low self esteem.

i hope anyone with spd don't take it personally.every person is different.
i guess i could stay and be attracted because i feel safe beeing distant but at the same time i resent it and end up hating him.so i probably have to learn to not be afraid of normal attachments.
also i wouldn't interfere to those couples that match and want to be together ,some pds match together indeed and should be together and try together to improove.
but i think i should make better choices .easier said than done because i can't deal with the fear
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Re: BPD courting SPD

Postby Cholls » Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:24 pm

LeelaTuranga wrote:i deleted where there is a dot above but now i am thinking about it more.
i was saying something like "don't you feel alone? why would you want that?"
and then oops sorry i forget that some people chase (even abusers) and i don't have that feeling.
now i feel like half borderline in a way where i feel the same but instead of being triggered to chase i have only the second part that i want to burn bridges.
the last time i had a crush with a guy i realized this too.
only i was chasing him because he did it first and my pride wasn't hurt.
but i am pretty sure my fear of intimacy/abandonment makes me stay in toxic situations that feel so unfullfilling but more comfortable.
maybe there is a relatability with fear and low self esteem.

i hope anyone with spd don't take it personally.every person is different.
i guess i could stay and be attracted because i feel safe beeing distant but at the same time i resent it and end up hating him.so i probably have to learn to not be afraid of normal attachments.
also i wouldn't interfere to those couples that match and want to be together ,some pds match together indeed and should be together and try together to improove.
but i think i should make better choices .easier said than done because i can't deal with the fear

@LeelaTuranga Thank you. You brought up excellent points.

Actually, I am already in a very secure longstanding relationship. So long, in fact, that I had hoped for something online with this SPD friend to spice it up. This has convinced me that I have fear of deeper intimacy. I was emotionally incested by my mother and was by turns her surrogate parent and her surrogate spouse. Consequently, I HATE getting too close to anyone but my partner, who is a TERRIFIC person. And, apparently, I have limits there as well. Fear of deeper intimacy. This is very very real.

My SPD friend has done little things like give me a Kindle book and send me info on things he knows I will like. He has cyclothymia, and his behavior corresponds amazingly well with the Wikipedia article about it. In many ways, he seems to be a captive of the ebb and flow of his PDs.

Finally, I have a sense of self that can withstand being ignored or rejected. Different people have different abilities to tolerate/welcome others into their lives. This has to mesh naturally for relationships to work. Don't know how or when this self-confidence developed but it seems to have just shown up one day.

A friend of mine recently taught me how to maximize the benefits of my workouts while minimizing the boredom. Getting in touch with my body via things such as calisthenics and stretching means a lot to me.

Also, watching Chris Heria's calisthenics videos is so inspiring that, whether or not my SPD friend is interested in corresponding is beside the point. Starting to do pushups consistently is what might one day allow me to do more advanced things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92w3RCjl2S4&feature=youtu.be

Every relationship has a preordained length. In addition to some disappointment, negativity, and frustration, I did get some excellent insights from my relationship with my SPD friend. Hopefully, he got something good from me, too.
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