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Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Tue May 15, 2018 5:57 pm

emillionth wrote:Sort of, but also sort of the opposite. I think that that mental concept is very much something to strive for, but I don't approach it anymore as something tied to the presence of another person or relationship with another person, because those are dead ends. So it doesn't make much sense to call it "intimacy". Maybe "harmony", "tranquility", or "peacefulness". The state of being physically and mentally comfortable right here right now, with myself.


1PolarBear wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgyitSlMtMY


I'm thinking that maybe, if your attempts at being intimate were repeatedly tainted by negative and painful feelings then it makes sense that you would prefer not to try anymore?

smirks wrote:I am more firmly in the difficulty connecting group than the fear of intimacy group, though I will often explain it as a fear of intimacy, because that makes me seem like less of a monster.


Why would having difficulty connecting make you seem like a monster?

smirks wrote:I find other people's attempts to be more intimate with me to be creepy and uncomfortable -- even the very mild ones.


I tend to recoil from people whom I sense will project their idea of me (generally how I will fill their void) rather than see me for who I am. The only inconvenience is, because I feel put off, I may sometimes throw the baby with the bathwater: as in avoiding valid people in the same breath as people who have no clue. I'm curious if you can relate to this or if you experience something else entirely?

smirks wrote:I visited family today and I was in pain and I found it very difficult to contribute to the conversation -- even the parts where my answer should have been obvious.


Pain makes everything worse.

Holodeck wrote:Usually, nons are nice around me but well...boring. I personally hate small talk and that's often what they do.


I'm not sure that's a non thing. Pretty sure that's a boring people thing. :)

nis wrote:I feel more normal around people who are eccentric as well. I've always felt like an alien around neurotypical individuals and feel like we share nothing in common so there's really not much to talk about other than superficial things - and since I do not have any career/life goals, no family/children, and never leave the house, I can't relate to them and don't have much to share in that regard.


I think I can partially relate. But the concept of normies has started diluting for me because it's becoming very clear to me that everyone carries bagage, it's just a matter of degree. And some people just hide their bagage in plain sight.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have normy friends or relatives that I hang out with, I'm still a weirdo ( :twisted: weirdo forever :twisted:), but yesterday I would have experienced more defiance toward them. Today the defiance is turning in a bit of curiosity.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby 1PolarBear » Tue May 15, 2018 6:14 pm

ShowJumpingRabbit wrote:
1PolarBear wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgyitSlMtMY


I'm thinking that maybe, if your attempts at being intimate were repeatedly tainted by negative and painful feelings then it makes sense that you would prefer not to try anymore?


Pretty much what happened in my case, except that I never really knew what it was in the first place, so there was no reference.

But I see it like in the video. Either you get frozen (not my thing), or you fight attacks that are painful and eventually get thrown out, or jump, whatever comes first. Also it is about mastering hate and anger, which is not really something I plan on doing anymore than Luke does. :)
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby emillionth » Tue May 15, 2018 6:44 pm

ShowJumpingRabbit wrote:I'm thinking that maybe, if your attempts at being intimate were repeatedly tainted by negative and painful feelings then it makes sense that you would prefer not to try anymore?

The bottom line is, real-world intimacy has no intrinsic value to me. And little to no utility, as it seems. Whatever it is that makes people feel good by simply being in other people's company, I just don't have it. Other people's company is a necessary evil, at best.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Wed May 16, 2018 3:35 pm

emillionth wrote:The bottom line is, real-world intimacy has no intrinsic value to me. And little to no utility, as it seems. Whatever it is that makes people feel good by simply being in other people's company, I just don't have it. Other people's company is a necessary evil, at best.


Ok, I don't think it's incompatible, indifference on the one hand and negative feelings when getting closer, reinforcing each other.

1PolarBear wrote:Pretty much what happened in my case, except that I never really knew what it was in the first place, so there was no reference.


I think I had more fantasies than references regarding intimacy.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby smirks » Fri May 18, 2018 3:48 am

ShowJumpingRabbit wrote:
smirks wrote:I am more firmly in the difficulty connecting group than the fear of intimacy group, though I will often explain it as a fear of intimacy, because that makes me seem like less of a monster.


Why would having difficulty connecting make you seem like a monster?


I think that feeling a connection to other people, even in a one-sided manner is such an innate part of human behaviour that people don't know how to process the idea that some don't experience, and people are afraid of the unknown.

smirks wrote:I find other people's attempts to be more intimate with me to be creepy and uncomfortable -- even the very mild ones.


I tend to recoil from people whom I sense will project their idea of me (generally how I will fill their void) rather than see me for who I am. The only inconvenience is, because I feel put off, I may sometimes throw the baby with the bathwater: as in avoiding valid people in the same breath as people who have no clue. I'm curious if you can relate to this or if you experience something else entirely?'


I recoil more, certainly, from people who want to project their idea of me onto me, but I don't think that anyone would ever be able to take the time and effort to really get to know me either.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby naps » Fri May 18, 2018 8:22 pm

smirks wrote:
ShowJumpingRabbit wrote:
smirks wrote:I am more firmly in the difficulty connecting group than the fear of intimacy group, though I will often explain it as a fear of intimacy, because that makes me seem like less of a monster.


Why would having difficulty connecting make you seem like a monster?


I think that feeling a connection to other people, even in a one-sided manner is such an innate part of human behaviour that people don't know how to process the idea that some don't experience, and people are afraid of the unknown.


It's like they're completely incapable of understanding. I used to try and explain, but in some cases, honesty will get you nowhere.

"Really? You're not doing anything for Christmas?"

"Nope. Probably catch up on sleep, watch a movie.."

*stares blankly, begins to drool*

"...haven't you ever wanted some alone time?"

"Sure, but not on Christmas."

Fail!

So now I have a sister. She lives in Chicago, or sometimes New Jersey. Sometimes she's a teacher with kids, sometimes she lives alone with fifteen cats. I forgot her name, but she's very handy in keeping people from inviting me to their house for holidays so I don't have to be alone.

God forbid.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Sat May 19, 2018 5:50 am

smirks wrote:I think that feeling a connection to other people, even in a one-sided manner is such an innate part of human behaviour that people don't know how to process the idea that some don't experience, and people are afraid of the unknown.


It's not something that I find scary, but I still find this complicated to comprehend. I can extrapolate from some of my experiences to get a grasp of how it may feel. But that doesn't mean I'd be able to fruitfully interact with just anyone who experiences connection differently from me. To do that requires a lot of focus. That may be another reason why, besides fear of the unknown.

naps wrote:So now I have a sister. She lives in Chicago, or sometimes New Jersey. Sometimes she's a teacher with kids, sometimes she lives alone with fifteen cats. I forgot her name, but she's very handy in keeping people from inviting me to their house for holidays so I don't have to be alone.


Oh :lol: , and you don't have siblings at all ?
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