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Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby Holodeck » Sat May 12, 2018 3:09 pm

I'm not sure I quite know how to answer this but I'll take a wack at it anyway.

I'm good with fellow oddballs. If someone is a bit eccentric it feels like less pressure on me. Both sides seem to "get what it's like" even if it's not always quite the same. Sometimes it takes some time for folks who are more paranoid to warm up to me if they do but I don't pressure them. Normally, I kinda watch and wait for other folks to make the first move then I know they've likely figured out that I'm either mostly harmless or one of them so to speak. Not sure if this counts as intimacy but it's the closest I can think of for me. I can't think of anyone I ever had as a friend that wasn't in the obviously slightly off but fairly harmless category.

If someone comes off fairly neurotypical I feel less of a connection though I'm normally polite to them. They tend to act the same way back. Maybe paranoia of a sort but I always feel like they're uncomfortable with me to some extent. I assume they have their own similar lack of connection feeling.

I've read a lot about how many feel fake most of the time but I don't experience that of myself. What drives me nuts when trying to connect with people is when people are obviously trying to figure me out. I tend to either get into situations with them where it's a game of 20 questions or they try to mirror how I act. I'm sure to some extent this can be seen as a compliment. I'm ok with people trying to figure out how others act so as to be polite and such. The point where it makes me not want to be around them is when I'm either asked questions that they inevitably act as though my answers are the same as theirs "Omg! Me too!" or pretending to be a method actor trying to figure out how to play me. Often I mess with people when I start noticing them doing this. Later they realize I was messing with them and they back off.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Sun May 13, 2018 5:06 pm

Holodeck wrote:If someone comes off fairly neurotypical I feel less of a connection though I'm normally polite to them. They tend to act the same way back. Maybe paranoia of a sort but I always feel like they're uncomfortable with me to some extent. I assume they have their own similar lack of connection feeling.


That may be. Also that may be you projecting some of your self-dislike on to them, i.e. assuming they see in you what you're unconsciously uncomfortable with in yourself. Maybe a bit of both at the same time.

Once a therapist told me: "So what, do you think people are shooting x-rays from their mind allowing them to instantly figure out what's going on inside of you?"

Holodeck wrote:The point where it makes me not want to be around them is when I'm either asked questions that they inevitably act as though my answers are the same as theirs "Omg! Me too!"


I feel like "Omg! Me too!" can help redirecting the conversation onto oneself... :)
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby julllia » Sun May 13, 2018 5:11 pm

^I feel this is similar with having radar in a way.
Because you feel more comfortable with specific people and awkward with others
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby emillionth » Sun May 13, 2018 8:22 pm

ShowJumpingRabbit wrote:Then how is it not an aversion (I understand though if it doesn't feel like a fear)?

You got me thinking.

"How is it not an aversion?" I think I explained that well enough. But... "Is it not an aversion?" I guess it depends on semantics and perspective.

If I were to "paint a picture" of "intimacy", it would depend a lot if I'm picturing my concept of what it is or if I'm picturing my experience of it in retrospect. The concept would be warm and fluffy and all that. Run-of-the-mill, I guess. The experience is inevitably interlaced with anger though. Like this. Those are clothes that I prefer not to wear... I'd rather stick with mac-and-cheese instead.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Mon May 14, 2018 1:22 am

julllia wrote:^I feel this is similar with having radar in a way.
Because you feel more comfortable with specific people and awkward with others


In that sense, yes. But I think that what my therapist meant, or at least how I interpreted it, is that some awkwardness is due to insecurities, if you get rid of some of the awkward behavior, people have no way to know what's inside of you. This advice may work better if you're in touch with your insecurities.

emillionth wrote:If I were to "paint a picture" of "intimacy", it would depend a lot if I'm picturing my concept of what it is or if I'm picturing my experience of it in retrospect. The concept would be warm and fluffy and all that. Run-of-the-mill, I guess. The experience is inevitably interlaced with anger though. Like this.


I see, it's like expectations vs reality.

When you label expectations of intimacy "run-of-the-mill", it sounds almost like you are devaluing your emotional experience, like they're nothing worth striving for ...
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby emillionth » Mon May 14, 2018 1:40 am

ShowJumpingRabbit wrote:When you label expectations of intimacy "run-of-the-mill", it sounds almost like you are devaluing your emotional experience, like they're nothing worth striving for ...

Sort of, but also sort of the opposite. I think that that mental concept is very much something to strive for, but I don't approach it anymore as something tied to the presence of another person or relationship with another person, because those are dead ends. So it doesn't make much sense to call it "intimacy". Maybe "harmony", "tranquility", or "peacefulness". The state of being physically and mentally comfortable right here right now, with myself.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby 1PolarBear » Mon May 14, 2018 2:52 am

ShowJumpingRabbit wrote: If you were to paint a picture of intimacy, what would it look like?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgyitSlMtMY
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby smirks » Mon May 14, 2018 5:29 am

I am more firmly in the difficulty connecting group than the fear of intimacy group, though I will often explain it as a fear of intimacy, because that makes me seem like less of a monster.

I don't feel a closeness to people, and I'm not sure if I have ever felt it.
I don't engage in the type of behaviours that foster intimacy.
I find other people's attempts to be more intimate with me to be creepy and uncomfortable -- even the very mild ones.
I find it hard to pretend to connect with people if I am tired or in pain. I visited family today and I was in pain and I found it very difficult to contribute to the conversation -- even the parts where my answer should have been obvious.

Painting a picture of intimacy is easy as long as I'm allowed to use other people and not myself. I see it in others all the time.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby Holodeck » Mon May 14, 2018 1:10 pm

ShowJumpingRabbit wrote:
Holodeck wrote:If someone comes off fairly neurotypical I feel less of a connection though I'm normally polite to them. They tend to act the same way back. Maybe paranoia of a sort but I always feel like they're uncomfortable with me to some extent. I assume they have their own similar lack of connection feeling.


That may be. Also that may be you projecting some of your self-dislike on to them, i.e. assuming they see in you what you're unconsciously uncomfortable with in yourself. Maybe a bit of both at the same time.

Once a therapist told me: "So what, do you think people are shooting x-rays from their mind allowing them to instantly figure out what's going on inside of you?"


Yep, which is why I was saying it could be a paranoid delusion of sorts. Usually, nons are nice around me but well...boring. I personally hate small talk and that's often what they do. I always mentally breathe a sigh of relief when I find out they have a weird quirk. Sometimes I can find out we share an interest in something but even then my eyes wind up glazing over wishing I could somehow dip without being rude. I'm one of those people who always has their phone and looking hooked on it like a zombie. It's the perfect excuse to not deal with people. Normally I claim I'm texting something to people I work with or clients so they don't think I'm being too rude.

Yesterday I went to my boyfriend's family's place for Mother's Day. She was awful to her huge litter of children. Everyone still made it over since they felt obligated as she happens to be dying of cancer.

She was lying down in the den the whole time. She's calmed down her nasty streak over the years according to her kids. She likes me because I sit and listen to her talk at me. It was beautiful. There was a seat behind her so I could read the whole time while she rambled on about the food channel that she was watching and how she wasn't allowed to have any of it. Everyone else had to pitch in outside in the gardening she wanted them to do. Pretty sure they had to de-soil the grass because it seemed there was no way they'd be able to remove all that grass from the flower beds. Everyone didn't mind me not helping because none of them wanted to be in the same room as her but someone was needed to watch her and she gets in a better mood when she can complain to someone.I'd feel bad for her if she didn't beat her kids when they were young and say "I like Trump because he tells it like it is the way you do" Yesterday I had to put her in her place. She was ranting to her daughter about something the daughter said about a FB post. She told me if she had an account she'd post about it and asked me to for her. I told her exactly how offended she made me by suggesting I would ever have a FB account. I would've said something about the Trump comment but knew I'd not be able to use her for getting out of socially adulting if I had.

smirks wrote:I find other people's attempts to be more intimate with me to be creepy and uncomfortable -- even the very mild ones.
I find it hard to pretend to connect with people if I am tired or in pain. I visited family today and I was in pain and I found it very difficult to contribute to the conversation -- even the parts where my answer should have been obvious.


^This. I have a tendency to know what to say when however not say it because it'll more than likely taken as sarcastic or uncaring.
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Re: Fear of intimacy vs difficulties connecting

Postby nis » Mon May 14, 2018 3:56 pm

Holodeck wrote:I'm good with fellow oddballs. If someone is a bit eccentric it feels like less pressure on me.


I feel more normal around people who are eccentric as well. I've always felt like an alien around neurotypical individuals and feel like we share nothing in common so there's really not much to talk about other than superficial things - and since I do not have any career/life goals, no family/children, and never leave the house, I can't relate to them and don't have much to share in that regard.
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