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what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby HSS » Mon May 25, 2020 9:25 am

Yep (I was only kidding to be clear).
“Humor is reason gone mad."

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Tue May 26, 2020 4:56 am

I'd say I've acquired enemies over the years even though most aren't in my life anymore

Anyways, of higher priority to me, somehow a damselfly got inside my house today and was resting on the wall beside my front door.

I caught it so that I could put it outside.
I tried to make it get out of the container that I had placed it in, but it decided to sit on my hand while it groomed itself instead.

I noticed that there were bits of cobweb on its feet, so I started trying to help it groom itself by using a dried leaf to brush off the web around it's legs.

It started flamboyantly wagging and curling its tail up towards the sky and back down again and I had no idea what was going on. I was worried that my hand sanitizer gave it neurological issues and that it was poisoned (tarantulas can get fatal neurological issues from the fumes of certain household cleaners), but thankfully it flew away soon after.

In folklore damselflies and dragonflies were called "Snake Doctors"
They were believed to stay close to snakes and if a snake was injured or killed they'd sew it back up or bring it back to life.
To me, they're symbolic of upheaval, so I get a bit apprehensive when they come around.

Last week, I did a good deed and now I'm afraid to go near the place where it occured incase I have to do another one. I'm superstitious like that.
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use."  ~ unknown
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sat May 30, 2020 10:32 am

A while ago, I mentioned avoiding messages with people and not fully understanding why - and then gave an example of a person who I've recently reconnected with that seems a bit like family.

She's a heroin addict who's been using since her mid teens with some of the worst trauma I know of. This time she got clean so she wouldn't be on the streets during the pandemic.

She was trying to talk to me everyday and lately I have obliged. She's disappeared off the map a couple days ago and she had no desire to stay clean, so I'm pretty sure she relapsed.

I don't fully know yet if I have feelings around this, but I think I do have quite strong ones. I think I originally avoided talking to her because I knew this would happen soon enough.

I was also thinking of how I often say I don't form attachments, but I believe I found her to be like a little sister.

I don't think she's going to make it.
I wonder how I managed to form a (rare for me) attachment to someone so likely to die.
It's a rhetorical question; I'm not interested in feedback.
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use."  ~ unknown
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby justonemoreperson » Sun May 31, 2020 8:30 am

DaturaInnoxia wrote:I'm not interested in feedback.


Then why put it on here?

Feedback: just rhetorical, do not read:

You've formed an attachment to this person because you know that it's not likely to last long, so it's a safe relationship to have. This is a toxic relationship for you both.
I'm not arguing; I'm explaining why I'm right.
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sun May 31, 2020 9:18 am

justonemoreperson wrote:Then why put it on here?


I don't mean to be rude to you, but because I wanted to and it felt good or like release to me to put it down - the same reason I ever post in this thread


justonemoreperson wrote:Feedback: just rhetorical, do not read:

You've formed an attachment to this person because you know that it's not likely to last long, so it's a safe relationship to have. This is a toxic relationship for you both. 


I've been friends with her for years.

Originally, I was sponsoring her when she lived in the same locale.

When I used to hang out with people from meetings, she never had a ride and I felt bad so I'd take her with me.
^
It turned out I enjoyed her company more than most people and she was much less emotionally draining than most people

When she moved back to where she came from, I felt a bit of a loss.

We reconnected when I let her stay with me when she came down here for a funeral a couple years ago (she'd gotten clean again).

It was someone who's personality and company I enjoyed.
That is very rare for me.

I had too high of expectations of her and when she failed to meet them, I cut her out of my life.
^
I've felt regret over that because she was doing the best she could and I realized they were to high.

While she was in her last relapse I tried contacting her from time to time saying I hoped she was ok.

When I realized she got clean again, I decided to reach out and attempt as much of an amends as my pride could bear and we started talking again and I don't know how to explain

We don't talk when she's in a relapse (which is most of the time) that's how I know.

There were other factors that made me more sensitive, but I don't find that something I'd want to share on psychforums for a variety of reasons.

I was sad and hadn't realized what was going on with me - I didnt even know I was sad - and find it interesting that I can be deeply upset about something and not even have a clue.
It was a realization I experienced. I had even stronger feelings around it shortly after posting it.
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use."  ~ unknown
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sun May 31, 2020 9:44 am

And I don't even know if I'm using the right word "attachment" in that context. I just know that I'm sad knowing we won't talk regularly (which is uncommon for me) and I will grieve if she dies (also uncommon)
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use."  ~ unknown
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby justonemoreperson » Sun May 31, 2020 9:53 am

DaturaInnoxia wrote:
I had too high of expectations of her and when she failed to meet them, I cut her out of my life.
^
I've felt regret over that because she was doing the best she could and I realized they were to high.


This seems to be the crux of the issue.

Your high expectations were a surrogate for your own. You projected your own feelings of worth onto her, and her success or failure then became personal to you.

You have your issues and she has hers. To quote the Bible: first take the rafter out of your own eye, then you can see clearly to remove the spec from another's. You're not in a position to help her; you need a more stable friend.
I'm not arguing; I'm explaining why I'm right.
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sun May 31, 2020 10:13 am

justonemoreperson wrote:
DaturaInnoxia wrote:
I had too high of expectations of her and when she failed to meet them, I cut her out of my life
^
I've felt regret over that because she was doing the best she could and I realized they were to high.


This seems to be the crux of the issue. Your high expectations were a surrogate for your own.


I can admit I tend to do this without realizing until later. I can also admit I get unreasonably high expectations of myself in some cases, and that (as you're pointing out) they probably tie in together

You projected your own feelings of worth onto her, and her success or failure then became personal to you.


We were just talking like friends do - it was nice to feel a connection.
We also didn't talk about either of our issues much aside from some of her trauma that was being triggered a couple times.

I got it in my head that she'd move back out here - given she likes the recovery community here and she primarily only knows people in active addiction out there.

you need a more stable friend.


I don't enjoy most people though. This is the most difficult part.

-- Sun May 31, 2020 2:16 am --

I don't know in many cases where to draw the line between too high of expectations and when people are taking from me more than giving (with exceptions like with her that I expected her to behave like someone closer to my age in serious matters when she's 10 years younger. I totally forgot)

-- Sun May 31, 2020 2:17 am --

*I'd like to add she's an adult
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use."  ~ unknown
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sun May 31, 2020 12:27 pm

"Your high expectations were a surrogate for your own."

As I reflected further on this, and as much as I'm normally unconscious of or too in denial to consider the idea, I think my discovered intensity in my reaction (or in my mind, care or empathy and investment) towards her situation may also be more due to transference rather than her.
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use."  ~ unknown
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Re: what's on your mind? (off-topic thread)

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Wed Jun 03, 2020 2:12 am

I still have a final project or two in replacement (due to the covid outbreak) of my final diploma practicum.
I'm quite resistant and angry (I've already bitched and complained about it here many times over the months).
Moreover, with the last 6-8 months having been relatively difficult, I've begun to get overwhelmed, and as a result, have had a little bit of troubles using my mind (more so, around gathering thoughts and focusing it on topics that I'm supposed to be addressing).
And last of all, I procrastinate and am completely disinterested in the subject at the moment.

Unfortunately, I don't really know where my mind just plain not working begins and where the procrastinating and being irresponsible ends.

I would like to tell them all to ###$ off, but I'm pretty sure it's because they keep throwing new information in my face and because I sometimes like to try to blame others for my own issues (such as my lack of ability to adapt to change and unpredictability).
I'm probably going to procrastinate some more and then find the part that seems the easiest to start with - maybe that'll get me going.
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use."  ~ unknown
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