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I think I SA'd my younger cousin and I feel awful

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I think I SA'd my younger cousin and I feel awful

Postby livingheart » Fri Oct 04, 2024 12:28 am

I am terrified as I am writing this but I feel so much guilt for this incident and wanted to hear what other people think.

I (16F) grew up extremely religious and wasn't allowed to know about sex at all as a child, I didn't even know what a vagina or penis was until somewhere before/beginning of puberty when I got curious and started looking into porn. Nor did I know what sexual assault, rape, or consent was. I don't remember what I found or made me discover this, but I must've seen something about someone giving a girl head, and it made me curious about how it felt. I didn't have hardly any friends at this time, and the few that I did were either cousins (who were all older than me and I rarely saw) or extremely religious people from church. My mom babysat my younger cousins frequently, and I would hang out with them whenever they were here since I didn't get much social interaction. I remember an incident specifically where my cousin who had to be around 5 at the time and I had to be around 11 or so, I have no idea specifically when it was or our ages that's just a guess, were in my room alone and I tried to get her to do what I saw people doing in porn. I feel so awful writing this, I tried to get her to lick my you know what, which she didn't, I didn't try to force her but I'm sure I asked a few times. I know certainly I never touched her or did anything like that. I don't think I had any ill intent I was just genuinely curious, I had no idea that sex was supposed to be between adults or that it had to be consensual and wanted. I am so beyond terrified of ever hurting someone in any manner, and I cannot get over this event. It has haunted me for years and I've nearly had panic attacks about it numerous times.

Did I assault her?? I don't think she remembers but what if she does and she ends up saying something one day?? I'm terrified to think that it could permanently hurt her and she would be impacted for the rest of her life because of me. I'm shaking as I write this and I feel terrible about it and cannot get it out of my head. Any thoughts are welcomed I just want to know what other people think about this.
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Re: I think I SA'd my younger cousin and I feel awful

Postby Otter » Sat Oct 05, 2024 7:41 am

Wow, I am sorry you are feeling so much anxiety. I read the salient part a few times and from what you say, you never touched her or forced her.

There is no assault. And no ill intent. You were innocent in your exploration and dropped it when she said no.

I was in a similar situation when I was 11 (the other person was also 11).

She is about 10 now. I doubt very highly she will remember it. Do you have a good relationship with her?

What does concern me is that you are very anxious about this and it seems to be building. Adolescence is the time that issues with anxiety and depression start to express themselves. I'm not saying that this is happening to you. This may be an isolated incident. But try to reign in the increasing fear. Is there anyone you can talk to?

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Re: I think I SA'd my younger cousin and I feel awful

Postby livingheart » Sat Oct 05, 2024 7:53 am

First off thank you so so much for your response, it’s very kind.

I appreciate what you said, but I still feel as though I did something terribly wrong.

I’m sorry to hear that happened to you, I hope you’re well.

She’s 9 currently. I’m not for sure when everything happened, I can’t remember most of the information surrounding the event.

My mom still babysits her and her siblings a couple times a month, and because she’s pretty much an only daughter (her older sister never spent time with her and is now moved out) I think she wants to be around me for that kind of “girly” time, I don’t really have a relationship with her though, mostly because I just don’t like being around kids. I don’t think she remembers considering she still asks to come in my room and tries to talk to me when I’m around her. Not that that makes what I did any better.

I have struggled with my mental health for a very long time, and this incident specifically has made it so much worse.

I did bring it up with a friend of mine who was very understanding, she tried to comfort me and tell me it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t know better. It helped me for a little while but all of the guilt and shame came back, and truthfully I have felt distraught all day. This is something I know should be brought up with a therapist, but my parents don’t believe in therapy so until I’m an adult I cannot speak with someone about this.

Again thank you for your response, it means a lot to me.
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Re: I think I SA'd my younger cousin and I feel awful

Postby Snaga » Mon Oct 07, 2024 2:04 am

As Otter said- no assault, no ill intent. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to let this go. You make up for it by being the best cousin you can be.

Kids do things. You're not the first, you won't be the last.
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