Need help , more like a confession to make

I am a 27 year old female and very recently I realised the severity of things I used to read . I used to read Loli , shota and incest themed hentai mangas . I have stopped reading it altogether but I can’t get rid of the guilt surrounding it , I just can’t deal with the fact that I was capable of reading those things and I am now filled with this sense of shame and guilt over my reading habits. . I won’t say I used to read only those contents in Hentai but other forms seemed fine but these things that I read were not normal. I think there might be something wrong with me . I won’t say that I was attracted towards the character body shapes or design , I just don’t understand why I used to read those and this guilt is eating me up . I wake up with feeling shame and disgust , I am not able to sleep for a long time , the moment I wake up this starts , I can never share these things to anyone cause I know I’ll be judged and I should be . On some days , I am just afraid to go out , I feel like I am mentally drained . At first if it came in my sight I would ignore it but it’s like it would get stuck and then I would need to read them . I don’t think I am attracted to children in real life or even have such feelings for incest , but I used to read up a lot on these topics .Then images would pop up and I would need to read it . I think even my guilt left me for sometime cause then I just started viewing it as image . It’s not like I had no other choice , but why did I choose this , I don’t understand and I have this severe anxiety in front of everyone. I can’t look anyone in the eye anymore . I am happy that I started feeling guilt again cause I really shouldn’t have read all that , at one point I was even asking myself why the hell am I reading this and then there would be no answer . Sometimes I would read these when I was extremely frustrated or feeling numb about everything. Even now I feel numb , it’s like I have stopped , I am tired of saying things to myself over and over again . So many times I have thought of killing myself , but I just can’t bring myself to do it . And when I do try to live , images won’t leave my mind . And thoughts that weren’t even there (sexual thoughts or images) would come to my mind and I would be left wondering why ?? Here I was on the verge of crying or wanting to die , yet these thoughts appear , when I have no intention, I am tired and feel extremely tired of my own mind . It’s like I have become a monster , it’s like I have become a person . I am not sure what I wanted to know by sharing this but I wanted to share it somewhere , I wanted to talk to somebody .

I have never been diagnosed before , but I believe I have extreme case of Henri’s addiction, I have no idea why but I have read a lot of Loli mangas more than shota mangas and some of them contained incest , at first I would just close those mangas if they contained incest , then a month or two back, I just opened that site and I intentionally searched for a particular manga that was based on father and daughter , I used to hate those and I have no idea why did I want to read it , now it feels me with nothing but shame , i am an adult woman yet i read those and i masturbated to some , I don’t understand it why ? , I don’t understand the logic behind and I can no longer contain the shame that comes with it , it is disgusting , what was wrong with me then , why did I even think of reading that , I can’t say that it was because of the art , it was plain disgusting, have I lost my humanity. I don’t understand, I am not attracted to any of these I real life , I tried understanding it before as well , when I was once obsessed with it , at that time I would just read incest confessions and I would pretty much avoid these things (related to parents ) , but looking back on it , I don’t understand how did I progress to this and I am ashamed of it and the guilt feels overwhelming, I can say it is just a story but the fact that I went to read it , is just disgusting, I have had obsessions throughout my life , one time I would obsessed with age gap mangas (normal ones) , these days it was like I became obsessed with topics of incest , I feel like I can no longer face them , and it just makes me wonder how was I able to go through my days without thinking about consuming, I said I would stop and I did to some extent but then again it would come back , I could have stopped reading but I didn’t. I wasn’t imagining anything, I wasn’t thinking of myself as the characters, I just found it weird and arousing I guess , I don’t know why would I want to read that , right now I don’t find it a bit arousing , in fact I mostly hate those things , I would even say to my friends i am scared of things I am capable of reading , and I would have this pang of guilt in me but I would ignore it saying it’s just a story but did I ever consider what was I reading , I guess I did at one point and said I wouldn’t read , but I did , maybe with a indifferent face or just plain reading but I did , I am glad , this guilt started hurting me otherwise I wouldn’t have stopped I guess , I would give myself reasons to continue reading it and never would have understood and hated myself afterwards, I can understand my progressions from thinking of it as something disgusting and while still thinking of it as disgusting and continue reading it . I can never find the answer to it , but these days I am like , I wake up with this feeling of guilt inside me , think over it and then go back to sleep , it’s kind of easier cause no one is around , I try to avoid being around people , I feel like I haven’t grown up, I am stuck at the time when I was just a child , when I was young probably 6 to 8 , my older cousin used to touch me and pretty sure , he even had anal with me once and unfortunately I liked it , I used to make stories over it weird , a young child doing that and there would be no guilt , guilt started when I grew up , so i thought of stopping it , then I turned my attention towards a fictional character whom i called the light of my life . I used to think of stories with him as the main character, don’t know i wasn’t able to imagine much with him or with anyone , then slowly I stopped , as I grew older I came across many things , smut , fanfics , mangas then it probably escalated from there , from normal shoujo to Jodie to full on smut , then to hentai , and in hentai it was just normal girl trying to masturbate then weird stuff , then i came across that was just too weird loli stuff , i read one or two then i closed it , i would even try to google it , why do i read those stuffs , I don’t know what i came across , but something along the lines that it was ok to read that’s just story , but still I think I stopped for a while, but since I was very much into masturbation when I would feel bored or just horny during periods or just down , I would masturbate which was using fanfiction , student teacher smut or lemon or then just one night stand . Then I would occasionally come back to back to Hentai mangas , it’s just too easy to come across them these days , and I would read it , a young boy harassing a older lady to have sex with them or young girl seducing an older guy , incest would be mixed in it as well , then I would calm down , vowing not to read it , but I didn’t stop even then , I would still read , I would read some good things in between and some terrifying things as well , then one day I accidentally came across a mother son incest , I closed it just then , then that image came to my mind when I was cooking one day and I said never to read that manga again , but I didn’t stop , i don’t know what sort of manga I would keep reading, I guess it was fine till then also , I didn’t spiral that much . But last year and some day in this year as well , I have spiralled , I have read weird things , I thought I would never read it , but on days I was numb and depressed like lying on the ground like a dead person , I would read it and I would hate it but I would still read it , my mind will throw the images and I would read it and I would hate it later on . And now I am just ashamed , I haven’t read anything like that in a while or anything weird sexual mangas . But I am disgusted with all this . Even now it’s like my mind has been conditioned that if you are stressed , you need to masturbate , I am not gonna do it , this time I am gonna stay strong , but I hate myself and I am constantly thinking about the same thing , it’s like I have become inside , nothing is happening, I can’t muster up the courage to go outside, after agonizing for around half a day or more than that . I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I have failed at everything in life . Sorry to write all this , I am not sure if I can be helped . I have stated therapy but I don’t think this one is working for me .

My previous post was disapproved , but please listen to me once , I need help , I truly do . I can’t shake off the feeling of disgust that I have because of the things that I have read ( hentai mangas , incest theme , loli theme and shota themed ) . I can’t shake off that feeling of disgust that I have towards reading those and now I feel like a criminal . I am not saying I want to die but I just need to confess , I need to listen to someone’s thoughts about it . I tried going to therapy but they referred me to a clinical psychologist because of my fears to get a diagnosis , because i was crying so much and they truly didn’t even bother to listen to what I was saying . I just someone to listen to me , I am not sure if this is where I should make this post or not . I have never been like this but like I got addicted to it and on some days I would read it without even feeling anything, I hate myself for this feeling . I am not attracted to children in real life but I can’t stop these intrusive thoughts and I just shake off the images that I already have in my mind , I am not a person like this, I know . Please tell me how to live with this guilt forever.

Hi, first off I'm sorry you're feeling so distresses right now. Please know that sometimes our brains are stuck at a prior point in our lives and it causes us delayed reactions to things. The manga world is very sex focused and viewing some of its content can really distort a persons view. Because it's not real people it's not always noticed what is right and wrong.
I completely understand the feeling of guilt but you've already taken the first couple of steps by admitting it was unhealthy as well as ask for help.
If you can, go back to the therapist and ask for EMDR, CBT, ACT maybe even EDP therapy. I believe a psychiatrist can only diagnose and not offer the support you need as well.
Please speak to fellow people in the anime/manga community because it's more common than you think. It has blurred the lines a lot and sometimes we don't age mentally after experiencing trauma.

Please be kind to yourself and know there are people out there who will understand.

Hello. I've moved this to remorse.

If you're filled with an unreasonable fear of being a pedophile, then we can think about a separate discussion in OCD, if this is something you obsess then act out compulsions with. Bur for now, Remorse seems as good a place as any to start.

I'm not going to go into the legality (or illegality) of Loli/Shota here. Nor do I care particularly about the morality of it or not. I'm just going to make some observations that are pretty obvious, but sometimes we need to hear from someone else what those obvious things are, because it's validating:

Loli/Shota isn't real. Not real images, not real people. No one was harmed, or trafficked, or abused. It's purely out of someone's imagination.

You're far from the only female to find themselves drawn into Loli/Shota. I don't know if it's common to the point of being mundane, but you're not the only one. And I have my doubts that very many that look at those genres are in the real world attracted to children or minors as a paraphilia. I'm thinking, they're not. If I thought you were, we wouldn't be having this conversation, because it would be verboten here on PF.

The stuff's popular, and I think most people that look at Loli and Shota generally understand they're reading an idealised fantasy. I don't think someone loses their humanity just on that account.

I think it helps to try to keep a sense of perspective- fictional things that titillate us, or things we fantasize about, can sometimes be very, very unlike our real-world opinions and attitudes. Fantasy doesn't always have to translate to real-world desires or wants. Try to be a little easy on yourself. You're not looking at it now, so it's the past, done and over with.

Thank you for kind words . But it’s no use anymore , the more I try to fight it , it ends up scaring me even more , comes back harder than anymore , I am tired of fighting , trying to live with it . I’ll try to be okk , then it brings out the worst fears in me . I don’t know anymore , I am numb inside ,

Hopeless1234 wrote:Thank you for kind words . But it’s no use anymore , the more I try to fight it , it ends up scaring me even more , comes back harder than anymore , I am tired of fighting , trying to live with it . I’ll try to be okk , then it brings out the worst fears in me . I don’t know anymore , I am numb inside ,

You're numb because you feel extreme anxiety and guilt, because you want to change for the better. There is kindness out there as difficult as it might seem to believe. Anime/manga has caused a lot of trauma for many readers, especially when consumed at a young age. I believe our brains return to what we become fixated on due to many factors. Would it help you to know, that I am currently going through something very, very similar? I used to read/watch yaoi to learn about sex because I was too scared to approach real guys after being groped at 13. I was hyper aware of how guys would look at girls and it made me incredibly uncomfortable. Whilst reading yaoi I came across adults with shota and would watch/read in a disbelief. I was intrigued how they were having sex but also very uncomfortable by it. Still, I continued to read it whenever I came across it out of morbid curiosity, not because it sexually excited me. I liked bigger guys with a shorter guy but would look at it more to wonder how sex would work. My brain couldn't stop wanting to understand what was happening.
I feel immense guilt and shame as do you. My friends who are part of the anime community have said just how messed up anime is and how easily it blurs the lines, and that I should be kinder to myself. 2 friends even said they used to read shota. 1 said she realised as an adult, quite late just how wrong it was. She doesn't feel guilt over it, instead she took it as a learning step and surrounds herself with people who understand.

It is hard, it's really hard but we need to learn to forgive ourselves. We never consciously did this because if we had we'd have felt this guilt and shame far sooner. It also became a habit, an unhealthy one but something our brains went back to sometimes. It's a different scenario but imagine an ex smoker... they smoked when they were stressed and it became a habit. When they decided to stop smoking they did well, but then a stressful situation happened and they had a smoke again. It's the same situation here. Our brains went back to something because we didn't have the knowledge, support and healthier option available.

Feel free to private message me. Please know you aren't alone. I'm currently in therapy, every Thursday and I'm happy to share what I learn, but please also look into it again for yourself. PTSD and CBT is a place to start x