There’s no solution

I don’t know where to begin, but the guilt and shame have been tormenting for 6 months since I remembered what I did as a child. I was probably 10 or 11 when I did something so bad and never thought of it as bad back then (maybe because I wasn’t taught right from wrong? Maybe because I was never taught about consent? Maybe because my boundaries were crossed by adults so I thought it was ok? Or maybe Im just inherently, deeply evil and a psychopath?)
I tried to understand why I did what I did but how can I bring myself to remember what was going on in my head 18 years ago?
Growing up, I always wanted to be perfect, always wanted to be a good human being, I hated cheating in school, I was obsessed about not lying, I always question if Im a good person who deserves a good life
In my mid 20s these issues grew bigger and bigger, I learnt about so many things and did good. I hated injustice, I hated abuse. I hated cruelty then I remembered what I did and everything went black for me. My image, self esteem and all my beliefs got shattered. Im the person who I was fighting against all this time…
Days went by and Im unable to move from bed, unable to eat, unable to shower, unable to get out of bed and all I think about is why I did what I did? Why did I do the most thing that I hated in my life? What does this mean??? Does this mean Im a monster in disguise? I felt I was undeserving of love, undeserving of respect, undeserving to walk amongst people. I felt like I was tainted, dirty, impure.
Had many nightmares about why did I ruin the only chance I had in this life? Which is to live free of guilt and shame. I felt so alone, dying alone, like a person drowning and can’t see any way out.
I must admit that my childhood wasn’t good, I was raised by abusive caregivers, saw domestic violence for years, I was forced to pray and be religious and deep down I hated it, I was pretending to pray ,I started to worry about bad things happening to me when I was around 6 or 7. Everything I felt I just kept it to myself.
My childhood was never normal to begin with, everything I went through was dark and I got tired of blaming the adults in my life. It’s so pointless because even with this I can’t sympathize with myself I can’t tell myself to move on and think about the present and the future. All I wish is to die, just disappear what’s the point in living life where you can’t smile, you can’t laugh, you can’t do anything without your brain screaming at “YOU ARE HORRIBLE FOR WHAT YOU DID”
Sometimes I would lay in bed and ask myself what people would do if they knew what I did and being shamed, outcasted by society scares me to death.
Sometimes I feel like going on a top of a mountain and confessing my mistake for the whole world and just jump and die.dying is the best solution for me as I can’t apologize to the person as the person is unaware, I can’t confess to the person because I don’t want to traumatize the person, the problem is that this person is close to me and loves me and seems unaffected and I love them too. But the immorality of my action is something I can never, ever move on from…how can someone have a mindset the leads to a certain action during childhood and then have a completely different belief once grown up?
Nothing I do will make me feel better, no matter how good I am today, no matter what I offer to this world. My evil child self sentenced the me now to death.
I want to be reborn, I want to start again when I was a child, I want to erase my mistake completely but unfortunately I can’t.
All I can do is either continue living half dead half alive tormented with guilt and shame or just end my life and rid myself off these horrible indescribable feelings.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I've made huge mistakes in my life and I can relate to this feeling. But I can also tell from an outside perspective that you're a good person who did something wrong. Good people make mistakes, even horrible ones, but that doesn't mean there's no forgiveness or future for them.
Personally, I think it would help you down the road of forgiveness to share what happened with the person, even though that might be incredibly difficult. But in each situation the circumstances vary greatly so that is something you will have to determine completely honestly yourself.
Suicide is definitely not the answer though. Neither is punishing yourself for the rest of your existence. I think often the best way out of something is through it - in this case, facing uncomfortable events in your past & truths about yourself (while being fair to yourself), and going down the path of doing what you can to improve yourself and the situation as much as possible.
It may take time to forgive yourself, and maybe you never will fully, but you can get to the point where you've forgiven yourself enough to live again, and to find some peace with it. Again, I think you'll get there faster by sharing what happened with friends and family, and the person involved. But given that I don't know any of the circumstances it's hard for me to say.

I hope you can find grace for yourself and I hope you remember that you're not a bad person.
All the best, please reach out if you need help.

Hello Catnaps, thank you for your reply, I appreciate that so much.
Unfortunately, given the circumstances,I would be causing more harm than good to tell the one involved. I tried, I tried so many times, but I would be selfish to rid myself of a burden by hurting others around me. I apologized to the person whom I wronged, but didn’t say why. I just apologized and cried. Confessed to a close one, even strangers. I was told to “move on” but I still feel it’s not enough. I feel like confessing to everyone I meet or I talk to. One stupid childhood mistake is costing me a lot including my health and happiness.

I'm not sure about what you did- but kids do a lot of things that the adult looks back on with regret.

Trystin wrote: given the circumstances,I would be causing more harm than good to tell the one involved.

Given what else you've said, that they're close to you and unaffected, I understand and based on what I've read, agree- there's no point in potentially messing someone up- but depending on what you've done you think is so terrible, they might or might not even think anything of it. I mean, there's things I did with other kids, or other kids did to me, that I don't think anything about now- 'cause we were kids, not adults.

Trystin wrote:I was told to “move on” but I still feel it’s not enough

But it's what you have to do. You have to let this go at some point and move on. Whatever it is you did, you seem pretty set on it won't ever happen again, so time to move on. You're not that preteen any longer. I have plenty of regrets but it does no good beating myself up over them over and over, I just try to do better next time, you know?