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Overwhelming & sudden wave of memories & guilt.

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Overwhelming & sudden wave of memories & guilt.

Postby mochiremorse » Wed May 24, 2023 5:23 am

This isn’t me asking for pity. I know what I did wasn’t okay. But I need to talk about it because its killing me.

I’m not trying to be a hypocrite or lie, i’m so serious when I say I genuinely do not even resonate with what I did at all, in fact I stand against it and have spoken up against the same thing done towards myself and others. It genuinely upsets me to think of others being hurt the same way. Its so completely against everything I stand for and how emotional I get about these things that I’ve almsot repressed what I did. Suddenly for some reason it all came back yesterday, like a memory I lost suddenly popping back up and I felt so ######6 horrible, like I cant live with myself. I feel like an imposter …

Which is what drives me crazy — How could I have done something that seems so far off from who I think I am now? Even back then, I didn’t agree with it and I was against it. But why did I do it? Am I just a bad person? What I did was wrong, and theres no denying that. But how? It almsot seems like it was someone else and not me. But it was. And thats what sucks.

Just for some background. I’ve been a victim to sexual miscondunct in several ways during my childhood. Inappropriate touching and kissing from adults & kids alike, i’ve been exposed and forced to see porn at a very very young age, probably 6. I became addicted to it very young. At 14 I was later on molested by my stepfather and forced to kiss him, and what made it worse was how my mother continued later on like nothing happened. He’s done some other weird things and its continued to be ignored to this very day. I am now a woman in my 20s.

I dont say all this to justify what I did, but I have a point I will make. Please stick with me, I just really need to let this out.

When I was 14. The same year my stepfather had touched me. My biological father had gotten married to a woman with 2 kids. One of which was a boy who was around 4-5 if i’m not mistaken.

We were alone in a room once and i’d asked him to touch my breast. Around that year I was at my peak of porn addiction & hyper sexual. I also grew up in an incredibly religious environment so I had this rebellious urge. And I was a coward. I couldnt do it with anyone else or a kid my age. So I chose a poor innocent kid. I asked him to touch my breast, and he laughed like it was silly and kooky but he did it. I even asked him if he wanted me to breastfeed him like his mom does with his sister. I don’t remember much of this memory, ive repressed it (which is so unfair for me to say because im the abuser. not the victim). I tried convincing him at first. But I think after some time I started feeling bad and noticed he got uncomfortable or didnt want to so I stopped and we watched something on my ipad together.

I hate myself more remembering that, I stopped initially because I did start feeling bad and uncomfortable and realized im not doing something right, but one of the reasons I didnt try again was because I’d heard him saying something about my boobs to his mother once (I think she assumed he was just playing or peeped me getting dressed because hes a kid and hes talked about boobs/pointed it out before in an innocent/funny way). I honestly dont know. But afterwards I remember feeling bad but also scared that he might remember, so everytime he’d make a joke about boobs or pointed out that I have boobs (hes been talking like this even before the incident, but afterwards it got kind of more frequent) or if he wanted to be with me while I undress or something I would straight up scold him and say that its wrong and that its shameful and we need to have boundaries.

It was one time with him. But it kills me because i’m so scared he might remember and it’ll ###$ him up. We’re not that close regardless because I have a bad relationship with my deadbeat biological father. But I would be so ######6 livid with myself if i’d caused him to be haunted with such a uncomfortable memory.

And I of course dont want to bring it up because he might not even remember at all (hes now 12 i think). and I dont want to add more strain to my relationship with my father’s side of the family.

I so ######6 horrible just typing this. I cant believe I did the same thing my abusers did and i’m ######6 disappointed in myself.

What makes me hate myself more is I did it again once when I was 16.

16. Grown. Not even a kid. A young adult.

To a 4 year old girl. Im so ######6 sick just typing that. I did the same thing. And I stopped and didnt do it again, at first mostly because I didnt want to make it so uncomfortable that she would mention it to her parents and thats so ######6 terrible and selfish of me but afterwards I felt ######6 horrid and disgusted with myself.

After that it never happened again, and after the birth of my very first niece It settled in me how ###$ up it truly was and I felt uncomfortable at the thought of someone doing that to her and I realized how badly I ###$ up. I took care of my niece for the first 2 years of her life so I became incredibly more emotional about children and it makes me want to kill myself realizing ive hurt them before when it is not at all what I stand for now. Its the OPPOSITE of what I stand for.

I know i’m a horrible person.

But, the reason why I explained my background is,

because I genuine 100% believe what I did wasnt because im some pedo or that I’m sexually attracted to children. I remember I had a thought, during the incidents — “what if i’d touched them? Ew no”

Even then, I was repulsed at the idea of touching them. It felt not at all arousing, just disgusting and weird.

But,

I wanted to be touched. I was incredibly hyper sexual.

And because I was a coward who couldnt do it with the other teens around me, who were all religious in a religious environment. I chose someone vulnerable and someone who can easily be silenced.

###$ me.

Its disgusting to even think of. It feels like another person or a story im readinng. I hate myself.


So im confused at where I was mentally. Did my history of SA and porn exposure make me hyper sexual?

Im not justifying at all what I did. Its horribly wronng and messed up, and I messed with a childs innocence. Regardless whether or not I did the touching or I made them do it to me. But, i’m confused about why I truly did it when I didnt feel a single ounce of attraction towards them or children in general? Without a single doubt in my heart I can say that it wasn’t me being attracted to them, be it then or now. It even disgusted me, but I wanted to be touched so badly. What a selfish depraved thing to do.

My unhealthy hyper sexuality along with my porn addiction has influenced me to do horrible ######6 things and i’ll never forgive myself. I remember when I was 17 I think, i’d kissed a girl best friend of mine and we eventually had lesbian sex, I wanted to eat her out but she wouldnt let me and for a few times I tried convincing/coercing her. I eventually stopped because I felt bad again, but everytime I remember that I feel ######6 horrible. I couldn’t control myself, I let my hyper sexuality influence me like im some ######6 stupid animal with no feelings.

I’m in a relationship now with a healthy sexual practice (although it took a while because my abusers were all mostly men, so there were times where it was hard and emotionally difficult regarding sex with my boyfriend but we’ve worked on it. I realize that my issues with sex really only pops when im having sex with men, never women). but I cant put this behind me. Im so disgusted withh myself. I hurt people. I hurt the most innocent things in this world that I now vow to take care of.

I feel like a hypocrite, fighting for abused children & women & other matters in this world & yet I was an abuser myself.

I deserved to have gotten abused and ignored still, after how I abused those kids. I deserve to have gone through difficult times these past few years. I was a bad person, and it was my karma. And im not bitter about it — I genuinely feel like its the least I could be punished with after all i’ve done.

What sucks more is remembering I wasnt 9 or 10 or something, doing things kids do like experimenting. I was 14 & 16. Grown. But I didnt control myself like the ######6 monster I am.

I can confidently 100% say I would never ever do some $#%^ like that again. I could never even ######6 see mysef being anywhere near that type of situation, initiating it, or justifying it. It hurts me to imagine that happening to any child, let alone by me.

What hurts me more, is if that ever happened to my niece or nephews. or my future children, Id be ######6 livid, but Id also feel like a hypocrite. I dont deserve to advocate for the safety of children & women anymore, when I was abuser myself.

I cant live with myself knowing these things. I had a mental breakdown yesterday because I think after all these years i’d repressed it and suddenly its popped back up in my head. For a while the details didnt even come to me, I couldnt remember much.

I’d expressed this to my boyfriend yesterday, I was very vague about it and said I’ve hurt people from my past. He knows of the SA i faced as a kid/teen/adult. I didnt give him any details abt what ive done. But i couldnt hold it in, I felt so terrible I needed to talk someone. But i can never ever ever tell him what ive truly done.

He’ll be so ######6 shocked, considering how i’m a staunch social justice warrior-ish type of person and I am very much always getting emotional when I see news of kids getting abused or crimes towards children, women etc.

He’ll think i’m a hypocrite. And maybe I am. God. But Im too selfish and love him too much, I dont want him to let me go.

I told him I think i’ve done some bad things and hurt people because of my trauma from my SA. I didnt say what I truly did, but he told me that i need to accept what i did was bad, forgive myself and move on and be the new better person I should be.

I dont know if he’d still love me and would be saying that if he knew how bad it really was.

I really hope I didnt scar them. I hope its just a haunting memory for me, and that it means nothing to them. But thats stupid to say and wishful thinking. I just dont want to ever be a bad memory for someone especially a child, it hurts so much that I did the same thing my abusers did. I hope they never ever remember it, that they go on with their lives normally. I dont want to ruin their lives. And selfishly, I dont want to be a bad memory or a bad person in their eyes.


What do I do now? Im so confused.

I dont want to be a bad person anymore.
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Re: Overwhelming & sudden wave of memories & guilt.

Postby Snaga » Thu May 25, 2023 12:21 am

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Kids do strange things, kids do sexual things, kids do things they shouldn't do. Not making excuses for you, but you need to cut yourself some slack, nonetheless. 'Cause kids do things. And 14 and 16 are not 'grown', not by any stretch of the imagination. Your brain didn't stop developing until your early 20s. Just saying, you can beat yourself up here for any number of reasons, but you don't get to use 'I was grown' argument with me, sorry. No, you were a kid. Kids do dumb things. You weren't an adult yet. And so you can only judge yourself so harshly, because you can't compare your good sense you have now, with then.
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Re: Overwhelming & sudden wave of memories & guilt.

Postby mochiremorse » Thu May 25, 2023 12:37 am

Thank you for your reply. Its just so not who I am now that selfishly i almost repressed it and i forgot it ever happened. Selfishly, i’ve been starting to have serious anxiety wondering if they would remember in the future. What if they report me 5-10 years from now? Im not from a western country, and theres no statues of limitations here. I feel selfish for even worrying about this but I cant help it..I want to live peacefully and be better and create a happy family, but i’m worried this will haunt me forever in a much more horrible way. I know im selfish for worrying about that, but I cant help it.
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Re: Overwhelming & sudden wave of memories & guilt.

Postby Snaga » Wed May 31, 2023 1:09 am

Well, it's easy to also worry about consequences. But I don't think anything will happen. Again, kids do all sorts of things and a lot of kids put the things that happen behind them. If they'll even remember it, which is not a given.
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