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I feel remorse over sexually abusing my abusive parents

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I feel remorse over sexually abusing my abusive parents

Postby CaffeineDepnd » Fri Nov 25, 2022 9:36 am

Hello, this is my first post here in these forums after many years. What I am about to describe contains themes of emotional and sexual abuse, so please be warned.
I am almost 23 years old; male, from Asia. I grew up in quite the abusive household. It was mainly emotional abuse, but looking back, I realize there was also sexual abuse in the form of the following:
1. I shared the same bed with my parents until I was almost 16. The reason mainly being they hardly encouraged me to move into my own room. I eventually did that on my own. I got to watch them have sex (with questionable consent) ever since I was 9. It continued from then to until I was 13, I think. I remember feeling curious/aroused and trying to ‘feel them up’ sometimes.
2. I had no privacy growing up. If I remember correctly mom used to bathe me until I was 12 or 13; saying that I didn’t know how to clean myself. I don’t think she touched me inappropriately and it didn’t feel odd at that time. However…
3. There was at least one time I found my mother groping me while I was half-asleep; at the age of 14. Again, it didn’t seem odd for some reason.
Now, moving on to what is bothering me at present.
When I was almost 15 I had found my parents having sex again. I remember having incestious thoughts and fondling my father through his clothes. It seemed normal at the moment and the next morning I had forgootten all about it. Something similar had also happened with my mother on a close but different occasion.
Nothing seemed unusual about the incidents and they were probably forgotten until one day it all hit me like a break around half-a-year (15?) or a year or maybe even later (16?) when I was alone with my father and my mother was sick. I realized that I had sexual contact with my own parents and quite possibly molested them. It took me several months to process but I eventually calmed down. That was almost 6 years ago. Lately, those memories came back and won’t stop bothering me.
I feel like a molester. I realize that what I did was wrong and it is wrong to touch others like that. However, I also can not come term with the fact that I have sexually abused other.
As for my parents, their abusive behaviors continued until I was 21 or so. I am in college now and my mother died earlier this year. I still live with my father and try to avoid him altogether because of his emotionally abusive and possessive behavior. I’m just trying to focus on the present but the past keeps haunting me.
Thank you.
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Re: I feel remorse over sexually abusing my abusive parents

Postby Snaga » Sat Nov 26, 2022 3:22 am

Hello and welcome.

I feel as if you can only be so hard on yourself. You did these things before you were an adult, and they were things you were exposed to. Now that you know better, I presume you no longer do such things. You're not that young person you feel distress over. I hope you can put all this behind you.
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Re: I feel remorse over sexually abusing my abusive parents

Postby CaffeineDepnd » Sat Nov 26, 2022 7:05 am

Thank you for welcoming me here and taking the time to reply.
I no longer do such things and strive to be a better person, realizing that it is wrong to touch someone without their consent. But I still find it hard to shake off the fact that I abused someone like this. Hope I can get over it.
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Re: I feel remorse over sexually abusing my abusive parents

Postby Snaga » Sun Nov 27, 2022 3:02 am

You can say you abused them all you want, but they're the ones who had sex in front of you. And teenagers do inappropriate things. I think if they were terribly put out, they'd have let you know it really quick in uncertain terms. So. I'm not sure I can agree with you that you really and truly 'abused' them. I'd let this go, I really would try to just let this go. What happened as a kid, in this instance, I think can just stay in the past. You're not that person anymore.
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Re: I feel remorse over sexually abusing my abusive parents

Postby CaffeineDepnd » Sun Nov 27, 2022 6:46 am

Thank you. Since I have learned from this experience and developed better judgement, I'll do my best to move on.
Wishing everyone all the best with their struggles.
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