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I am an irredeemable Evil Freak. ***TW (CSA, CSEM, sui)***

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I am an irredeemable Evil Freak. ***TW (CSA, CSEM, sui)***

Postby TrappedS0ul » Sat Jan 15, 2022 3:25 pm

This is something that has been on my mind now for five years, and it is something I deserve to have until I die because no punishment is horrible enough to give me what I deserve - and believe me, It is warranted.

This is going to be a long read, because I have to describe every thought, feeling and action to the most of my ability, and I couldn't give a care in the world about any repercussions because I deserve every bit of it.

I am currently 22 years old. I was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 2 and developed depression from the age of 10. My life has been jumping from one obssession to the next, and I may very well have OCD. My sexual behaviours I have found trace back to 7 years old. Around this time I used to deride pleasure from pushing my groinal area onto those open refrigerators that you would find in the dairy section of a grocery store where underlying fans that were not quite working would create vibrations. I did that for a year or two. I discovered masturbation at the age of 9. This happened when touching myself to some looney tunes episode where one of the other characters tried to blow another one up. This lead to a weird fetish to explosives which lasted for about 4 years before I discovered porn at 13.
This was initially vanilla content featuring a man having sexual intercourse on Pornhub. I would regularly masturbate to it once or twice every day. This quickly morphed into just indiscriminantly viewing whatever was on the pornhub trending page at the time, which included cartoon porn and hentai (of which some of what I saw was very disturbing). The fact I didn't say in my mind that this was not okay was the first sign that I was a depraved beast, especially considering that I have memories of viewing several bestiality videos, whick is absolutely disgusting. I believe that puberty for me started at 13 since I started to produce semen several months before I turned 14.

Around my 14th birthday, someone in my class mentioned CP, which I will refer to here on out as CSAM or CSEM because I absolutely despise it being referred to as """"porn"""". I remember typing in ***** pornography into google images and seeing slogans such as SAY NO to Abuse! I can't remember my intentions back then but I it was most likely not perverted on that occasion, though I did have a thought wondering if peers my age and younger children would moan like the women that were in the porn I had probably viewed 500 times by then. Fast forward a couple of months and my porn interest had focused onto the anal genre. There was an instance where I watched a lot of horror movies such as the Chucky series. There was also this one movie called The ABC's of death. It was a series of short horror films with titles such as A for armaggeddon and D for drugs. There was this one film called O for orgasm. The premise of this film was that a bunch of men had to masturbate to increasingly depraved sexual performances and that the last one who ejaculated would die a painful death. I masturbated to each of those 'performances,' which I recall being women doing various sex acts with men. The last one however was sick and disgusting. It was a middle aged man with a prepubescent Asian boy, which insinuated P**do acts. Being the disgusting freak and monster that I am, I ejaculated to that sickening scene too.

A few months pass when I would would just view anal pornography and stare at women's and classmates (mostly female) butts. Then I googled that disgusting term that I did back when I was 13. I still have no clue whether I did anything sick with it. Soon after, puberty had started to kick into full swing, with pubic hair and body hair starting to grow. My voice had started to break around this time. This was around the time when I truly became a monster who was sick in the head, My anal pornography preference morphed into facesitting, facefarting, farting on dicks and farting during anal. My fantasies went wild and drastically increased in frequency into weird stuff, like fantasizing about having anal sex with a cloned version of myself and of having anal sex with my mother - which is absolutely sick, weird, depraved and disturbing. I started having fantasies about sniffing womens butts and sniffed my mothers from a distance on a few occasions ( I feel like I have to vomit after typing that disgusting sentence out). I had on some occasions grabbed a ziplock bag, covered the insides with vaseline and shoved it between couch seats to try and emulate vaginal sex. I continued to have fantasies about having anal with most of the females in my classroom. What's weird is that during this time there were ZERO fantasies or thoughts which had small children as the subject.


These are the memories that I cannot get out of my psyche that are very emotionally charged for me

From this fart fetish porn preference that I had at the time, I remebered when I had a farting match with my sister who would have been 6 at the time. She had farted in my face when we were playing and I had sniffed her butt and recoiled in disgust at the time. (I remember pulling her pants down a lot to see her reaction as I used to be quite innappropriate around that time). This coupled with the memories where children would mention that stuff (as they do), and It tainted my memories to where I had started to have disgusting fantasies which merged the children of that age to the acts in porn that I had seen at that moment in time. At this time I had read written erotica featuring children my own age. When I had recently turned 15, it became worse. I sniffed my older autistic cousins butt, reacting with disgust. I had this unforgivable thought and urge about a week after that and that was considering sniffing a relative's butt. This FORTUNATELY NEVER happened, otherwise I would've just let myself starve a horrible painful death, but the fact that I SO MUCH AS CONSIDERED IT is horrific, evil, sick and perverted!

The fart fetish porn remained and I had intense disgusting fantasies about sniffing that autistic cousins butt, even though it repulsed me. I had started to watch facesitting videos on youtube, most of them grown women, BUT one of which was of a sister doing exactly what had happened to me but on repeated occasions. I'm beyond disgusted that I would ever do something so disturbing! Then I had to prove that I am a bigger POS than I had been up until that point in time!!
That was when my already bizarre fetish warped into me viewing sickening drawings of children my age and some that WERE SMALL children. I was so sick and evil to shrug that off and think it was JUST weird. I can't believe how stupid I am to have ever entertained such a thought like that! Those fantasies (along with the predominant NORMAL fantasies thank goodness) lasted for 2 months. It stopped for about 1 month and then came back and lasted for another 2 months!! This time it was drawings and Several written stories which had prepubescent males and females featured in them and it was absolutely unforgivable!! I then started to seek out ACTUAL CSEM on google. This stopped after a warning came up which scared the living daylights out of me. The interest in the fart fetish died off after trying to sniff my sisters friends (1 or 2 years younger than me) butt and my new porn focus was oral sex. For the next 8 months I forgot about this and was normal despite the autism. I had discovered instagram and snapchat and had used this to communicate with schoolmates and one female friend in my class who I had a giant crush over and tried to impress her as boys do.

The day I died was shortly after I turned 16. I was scrolling on instagram and one of my instagram contacts who was a year or two below me made a post that told everyone to go report this particular account which supposedly contained CSEM. He had tagged this account to which I clicked on, not believing that there would ACTUALLY be sick filth on it. There was! It was 3 Category A CSEM video teasers. I immediately left and reported this account to NCMEC. Yet I got a ###### intense physical arousal to it. I was ####### horrified because it was so sick and disgusting!! Along with the intense arousal was the feeling like that one would get if you had a #$&#$ gun pointing to your face - a rollercoaster feeling inside my stomach that I can't even begin to describe!!! Those very young children being graphically abused - this was NOT a naked 16 year old, this was EVIL FILTH. I helped out those who were reporting it by reporting it to the fbi and by reporting the user accounts that he made. This sick POS had a link to likely CSEM. I can't believe I so much as clicked on it despite not entering the website $&#&@. I was travelling in a car when this happened. When I arrived home, I did the unthinkable and masturbated to it. This spanned 2 days before the sick #####& was offline. I had viewed 8 category A CSEM and 1 category C teaser advertisements that this freak had uploaded on his public twitter and instagram accounts!!

I continued to attempt to find it for a couple more days after that by clicking follow on accounts purporting to be this sick individual. Thank goodness that it was not the pedo! I did however come across two google images of some fool who had screenshotted the accounts that this freak made. They had 4 of those videos that were somewhat visible. And I am a sick freak like this person for masturbating to those images on as many as SIX occasions!!! That was spaced out over about a month or two. Yet for some weird reason I didn't fantasise about children during that time period with thoughts. This dropped off for about a month before I started to read those sick written stories about prepubescent and pubescent children which were on XNXX at the time. Along with the oral sex porn that I had viewed 3 times a day, I had been reading a dozen or so of these disgusting stories over about 3 months. I ceased this disgusting behaviour for about 3 or so months. Then a classmate mentioned the deep web. I was curious about it and checked it out. Over a single day I attempted to find CSEM , which was unsuccessful. I had a resurgence of sickening thoughts which lasted for about 2 months. When I was months away from turning 17, my porn PREFERENCE had taken a depraved turn. I was viewing gloryhole pornography which gradually started to shift to sickening r**pe fantasy porn. My sick disgusting mind was trying to find BDSM and women being sexually abused!!!! Whilst this was about 20% of my porn viewing at the time, it was still there, and it is disgusting beyond belief and Sexually DEVIANT! around the time I turned 17, I had on 1 occasion looked at that google image.

A few months after this escalation, I downloaded a TOR ios app onto my tablet. I used this and found CSEM. This was on sick and depraved forums which two were run by PHPBB similar to this website. I had visited one of the forums about 8 times by registering a username and password. There was no email required and it let me right in. This was the same with another forum, which I had visited three times (I was a guest on one occasion). There was also a darkweb pornsite which had ALL types of sexually explicit material - including bestiality and CSEM. I visited that site on about 10 occasions. I streamed mainstream adult material and watched a bestiality video. On one occasion, I attempted to register to the disgusting website to watch a single CSEM video, but was unsuccessful and lucky that that was the case. I did however masturbate to the sickening and vile thumbnails which the streaming site showed for the videos. I did this unforgivable #&$&$&# s*** over 1 month before tapering off to a halt after 3 months 19 days. On one ocasion, I nearly downloaded 1 or 2 CSEM videos. The downloads were blocked/stalled at 100% fortunately. Yet I still DELIBERATELY went on this perverted sick site, regardless that I saw but did not save or download any CSEM. During this sick period, I had seen 30 CAT A image previews and those thumbnails. Each of those sessions lead me to rightful and deserving shame. I can't believe that I thought that "just viewing" was a grey area! It's #$&#$ terrible, and it took me to think - "hey, this feels Incredibly wrong - what does the law say about it."

Only then did It really dawn on me what I had just done!!! When I look back, I'm glad I felt the most fear in my life from doing that. I'm glad I saw myself as a sick monster! It has been FIVE years since I have seen something so twisted and horrifying, but it feels like yesterday! It took me 6 months (18th birthday), to shift my fear from the selfish "the police are coming to get me" and receive a permanent criminal record to that I am an evil monster who needs to be flayed alive and fed to a pack of wild animals. THOSE WERE KIDS!

Every time I so much as clicked to enter that website, I gave that disgusting website hits and pageviews. Each thread I entered received those pageviews and hits! ot to ######6 mention that my sick self should've known that a username was visible at the bottom of the bulletin board. Those pageviews, those hits and the visibility of that username ENCOURAGED some sick scum of the earth of think: " This is another someone looking at this thread - people are willing to see this image preview and possibly download that video - I might share it or put up some new "content"" because of this attention", regardless that I never DOWNLOADED, paid for, liked or commented on those threads and lurked without saying a single word. I mean it had more than twice the volume of users than this site had and rapidly growing still back then!!!
It normalises the sick perversions that CSA is okay.

Then there's the fact that CSEM is produced by kids that CAN'T and WILL NEVER CONSENT!! They are exploited, they are coerced into doing these acts on video! From my research (adult survivor forums) Their body reacts physically sometimes when abused by sick paedophiles! They are tricked into thinking that this is okay and that this is NORMAL because they are getting attention, flattery and are tricked into believing that THIS is love and that everyone does this. Then They grow up with hypersexuality, depression and then realise they were used, abused. Their innocence was stolen! They feel guilty because they were told that they "enjoyed it." They think it is their fault because it felt wrong but they didn't stop it sooner. Maybe they blame themselves because this monster goes on to abuse other children, and he/she didn't speak out and stop it because they didn't know any better! They feel dirty, used, hopeless, broken and ashamed! They feel as though they are just a piece of meat to be used and abuse by sick and perverted men. Because if what that monster did to them, the destroy their lives with drugs, they sell themselves out to be used for prostitution, they harm themselves, the commit crime and they get into abusive relationships in the future. They can't trust anyone anymore and sometimes can't ever have a meaningful relationship because those monsters took that ability away from him/her. Every aspect of their lives are tainted because of what happened to them!

This does not even begin to mention those who were featured in CSEM. Their images are circulated day in day out!! They spend decades to heal, if ever, because they know that their are sick freaks out there who will view/ download or trade their material. Those freaks that spread the material keep it in existence. Those that possess CSAM have another copy of this material, another copy of the reminder of the horrific event that these children went through and another image that exists. And thise that see it violate their privacy in the worst way possible. They have to wonder on the street who has seen their trauma. Oftentimes, sickos harrass them on their social media and in person and they are retriggered. Everytime they learn that some sicko has seen them being defiled and their innocence taken away from them, they are retriggered. Some go through the extremely unpleasant feeling that is dissociation and re live that horrible moment in their life as a child, as though they have been abused iver and over and over again. Because of this, I am a sick evil monster. There is no redemption, there is no hope, or anything That can change the past.

In those five years I have tried. I can never shake off what I have seen. Everything triggers a reminder that I had seen that evil filth. I wonder if everyone around me is a sick pedophile. I have told all of my family about this. They don't see it as a big deal. I have seen a psychologist, they do not see it as a big deal. Neither did the hypnotherapist that I told. I have told about 9 people in real life about this. I have told many more online. I have gone to stopitnow! uk, called their phonelines, regularly attend their online interactive chats. I've donated hundreds despite being broke to NCMEC, THORN and the Child Rescue Coalition. I remembered that when I was 16, I was on this livestreaming app called cake. I was looking for peers to talk to. There was at one point a five year old using this app. Some evil pervert in the chat told her to strip naked. I responded in caps that this guy was a pedophile and that she should run. SHE LISTENED to me and quickly turned off her livestream. I hope I saved her life from becoming a victim of CSEM. I tried to understand myself. But I'm still a monster and beast for what I did and nothing can change that. I was, no matter how small, a part of this in someway and need to burn for it. I can't look at anyone ever again. I am so antsy about being around children even though I have never fantasies in such a vile way since early 2017.

I wonder if I am just a sick pedophile destined to suffer and then suffer again after I die. I truly deserve it. I always check my physiological response when around children to see if I get any movement down there. I have read 1000s of articles about paedophilia, csam, csa and thousands more news articles about arrests. I really am just another Josh Duggar. This is made worse by OCD I can imagine, but this is just wrong. Ever since I never went back there, my porn has been vanilla and focused on oral sex. I will never so much as type in the word teen - I have to watch porn with older women in it. There is more I want to go on about, but This will take hours.
Last edited by Snaga on Sat Jan 15, 2022 9:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter, no other edits
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Re: I am an irredeemable Evil Freak. ***TW (CSA, CSEM, sui)***

Postby Snaga » Sun Jan 16, 2022 1:12 am

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I won't try to address everything in detail, but some observations:

TrappedS0ul wrote: I discovered porn at 13.


TrappedS0ul wrote:The fact I didn't say in my mind that this was not okay was the first sign that I was a depraved beast


Show me a 13 year old boy that's not a depraved beast. There's a reason there's the saying 'Young, dumb, and full of cum'... at that age, I could and would sexualise anything I could.

I won't argue against your assertion that by even just watching teasers, you participated in indirect support of such websites- but you did not go further.

TrappedS0ul wrote: I have told all of my family about this. They don't see it as a big deal.


Yup.

TrappedS0ul wrote: I have seen a psychologist, they do not see it as a big deal.


Yup.

TrappedS0ul wrote:Neither did the hypnotherapist that I told.


Yup.

Just maybe they know what they're talking about- especially the psychologist and the hypnotherapist.

Your angst over this is admirable, it truly is. It shows you're now sensitive to those things. But too much of a good thing isn't good for you. You really need to talk more with a professional about this to help you to let it all go. If you were the monster you insist upon being, I'm not sure you'd be here in this forum. And you hardly sound like a pedophile. A dumb kid- when you were a kid. That person isn't you now.

TrappedS0ul wrote: I may very well have OCD


Has a professional weighed in on that? I think it bears looking at.
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Re: I am an irredeemable Evil Freak. ***TW (CSA, CSEM, sui)***

Postby TrappedS0ul » Mon Jan 17, 2022 4:23 pm

Thank you for the reality check. I was stuck in a very distressed and angry state of mind when I made that post!

Snaga wrote:Show me a 13 year old boy that's not a depraved beast. There's a reason there's the saying 'Young, dumb, and full of cum'... at that age, I could and would sexualise anything I could.


That makes sense going from what my parents and the professionals have backed up.

Snaga wrote:I won't argue against your assertion that by even just watching teasers, you participated in indirect support of such websites- but you did not go further.


That's one of the things that really eats me up and that profoundly disturbs me and puts me in the mindset that I am irredeemable and just as evil as the pos that produced that material. seeing those teasers would have registered as view counts on those posts. Each view count which emboldens the sickening behaviour that that user was engaged in on his instagram page. ANY participation to something that I despise deeply goes so strongly against my moral code that I have forgotten who I am.

Snaga wrote:Just maybe they know what they're talking about- especially the psychologist and the hypnotherapist.

Your angst over this is admirable, it truly is. It shows you're now sensitive to those things. But too much of a good thing isn't good for you. You really need to talk more with a professional about this to help you to let it all go. If you were the monster you insist upon being, I'm not sure you'd be here in this forum. And you hardly sound like a pedophile. A dumb kid- when you were a kid. That person isn't you now.

I am very sensitive about that subject. Anything on the topic of pedophilia, CSA or CSEM makes me feel a large mix of strong emotions, which culminates in me fantasising about giving pedophiles graphic punishments. The professionals are helping. It is slow and bumpy, but I am able to have relief from my mental torture without using psilocybin to self medicate. That last sentence echoes exactly what those around me have told.
Snaga wrote:
TrappedS0ul wrote: I may very well have OCD


Has a professional weighed in on that? I think it bears looking at.



Would a doctor be able to diagnose that or would that require a psychiatrist?
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Re: I am an irredeemable Evil Freak. ***TW (CSA, CSEM, sui)***

Postby Snaga » Mon Jan 17, 2022 5:48 pm

I don't know a general practitioner would be a good judge of OCD- if you could see a mental health professional again who's allowed to make a diagnosis, that'd be better.

In the end, the teasers were just that; teasers. While I can appreciate the reasoning behind feeling so bad about seeing them, I think I'd personally limit my angst and just not do it again. It's not as if that's the same as paying to see CP. You have to let this go. You're better than that now, that will have to suffice, because if you insist on continuing to let this eat at you, nothing will ever 'atone'. The more you make this a mountain, the harder it will be to cross it. Best thing to do is just let it go. You're sorry for it; you've done multiple things to make up for it. Time to call the debt paid.
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Re: I am an irredeemable Evil Freak. ***TW (CSA, CSEM, sui)***

Postby HGranger » Thu Feb 10, 2022 12:44 am

Thank you for writing this.
We are a product of SRA and are in fear of someone seeing film of what we participated in.
From the age of 4 I was told that this was my fault because I was so beautiful (I hate that word)
Yes I was a beautiful child, but refuse to be beautiful as an adult.
It seems to me like you were a curious boy that loved to explore, I hope you find the forgiveness inside and stop being so hard on yourself. I too am having a hard time dealing with forgiving myself.
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