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Educate me if i'm an Abuser *TW*

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Educate me if i'm an Abuser *TW*

Postby nanifeker » Sat Nov 27, 2021 7:05 pm

**trigger warnings**

I’m 40 yrs old man who lives in the UK. I’m originally from one of east African countries. I’m married and have three kids. But there is something that bothers me every day and I need to get it out there. This is the first time I talk about my issue. Never discussed it with anybody at all.
First, I would like to be completely honest and tell you why I wanted to write about this. I have three reasons
1. I’m convinced that I’m not an abuser. I believe that what I did during my childhood is something that came naturally. But this is what I think and what I do not know is how my half-sister feels? So by writing this, I would like to know what other people think.

2. I want your help to either convince me I’m an abuser or validate my feeling is natural so that I get different perspective for the decision I will be making in the future.

3. I read a lot specially from girls who are abused asking the question “How could he do this?”. With this writing, I would like to tell you why I did it and what I was thinking when I did it. With that, I hope to answer some of your questions that you have been asking for a long time.
Before I go to my story, I would like to tell you that i would go in detail since I want you to judge me with the whole context as a result it could be Trigger for some of you. If so, please stop here and get out. The other thing is that the relationship I had with my half-sister have gone through different phases, my story is also presented with these phases and it will be long (sorry). Here we go…
1. Background
I was born in the countryside of a poor east African country. When I was around 5, my father left my mon and married a younger girl. My mom did not have income, so she got in to an arranged marriage. Unfortunately, one of the conditions for this arranged marriage is I will not be living with them so my mom left me with my grandma and married to this man. In less than I year, my sister was born. After two years my grand mom died and I had to go to my aunt who lives in the outskirt of a big city. The arrangement for my living is that I will work on the diary farm as a shepherd during the day and attend school at night. When I was around 11 and my sister is 5, there was famine in our country and most of my relatives died (including my stepdad) and my mom couldn’t raise kids anymore, so my half-sister came to live with us. One thing I would like to point out here is that before she came to live with us, I saw my sister only 5-time max. Even if we live together, our situation was totally different. I live as a servant, in a separate house from the main house with other servants but she lives as one of my aunt’s child going to school with their kids and sleeping in one of the rooms in the main house. The way I was treated including by her is as one of the servants (not as her brother).

2. Phase 1 - I started it
As I said at the beginning, I will be completely honest, and I will take full responsibility for starting it. What happened was that one of my “Aunt’s” child was getting married and there was a lot of family members who were staying at our house and sleeping arrangement had to be done. As a result, I was asked to sleep on the floor in the “maid’s room” and my half-sister was also sleeping in the same maids room with one of the maids. In preparation to the wedding, most of family members stay till 1AM doing work but I have to sleep around 9PM since I have to take out the cows early in the morning. My sister always sleeps at around 8PM. So when I go to sleep we will be alone. Nothing has happened for may be a week but one day when I get in, she was sleeping naked (most children’s sleep naked as we do not have the luxury of having pajamas) and the blanket was off of her (it was hot that day). I looked at her and I had erection right away, I proceeded to my mattress on the floor to sleep and undressed myself to sleep but from no where some kind of force told me to go and sleep with her and hug her and make body contact with her. Here, I would like to tell you that I have never had any sexual experience before other than watching sheep’s, cows mating. So, I went ahead and laid down with her and made full body contact with her. I did not bump her (maybe I didn’t know it should be done) but I started to squeeze her against my body as I start to orgasm. At that time, she wakes up looked at me and go back to sleep. I also went to my place and slept.

3. Phase 2- Relationship progressed
Starting from the next day, until the sleeping arrangement is over, everyday (may be for 15days or so), I go to her before I sleep on my place. During this time, what I was doing has also progressed including going on top of her and brushing on her. As far as I’m concerned, she likes what I am doing and because of that I was encouraged to try more and more things. Remember I said I wanted to be honest. As I admit that I started this and take full responsibility, she was the one (at age 6) who encouraged me to do the following
a. She took my hand and encouraged me to finger her
b. She was the one who started kissing on the lips (I kissed her on the chicks but didn’t have the courage to kiss her on the lips)
c. She is the one who went on top of me (she was uncomfortable when I’m on top since I was heavy on her).
After the sleep arrangement was over, we always find ways to be alone and do our thing. She will give me signs to follow her, or I will do the same. She sometimes go with me to the farms and there were times we did it in the forest. During all these times, I never penetrated her.

4. Phase 3 – She wanted me to suffer and for the first time I forced her
We continued what I have described above for may be 2-3 years and when she was around (8-9) and I was around (14-15), things started to change. What happened was, around may be 6 months before our relationship start to deteriorate, I for the first time went down on her. As usual, she gave me signs and she was wearing t-shirt and short, we went to a semi dark room and she started to undress, I started kissing her as I usually do but this time out of nowhere, I went down on her and gave her oral sex. I think it surprised her and she may have an orgasm she never had before. I can see on her face and reaction, she looked shell shocked, and her body was shivering. After that day, she never let me do anything other than giving her oral sex. Whenever we want to do it, there is no kissing, no going on top of her or she is going on top of me, not brushing. She just expects me to giver her oral and go. I get tired of it. I remember for one time I pinned her and forced her and did the brushing while she is telling me to stop because I got tired. After that, we continued but still she wants only oral. So, what I did is that when we want to do it, I will try to go on top of her she will refuse and I stop and leave her with out giving her oral (it was like if you do not satisfy me the way I want I will not do what you want). After that, she became a different person, we stopped doing it but she always finds time when I am alone and gives me kind of sign that she wants to do it, when I approach her though she will not let me. It is as if she is saying “I want to see you suffer wanting me but I will not let you touch me”. One time I remember she came while I was taking nap during the day and she came and laid down with me. Thinking that she wanted it, I started to touch her, she moves my hand away but still stayed on my bed, I tried everything including bribing her with candy but she refused. Finally I started to masturbate, she was laughing looking at me. She seems happy that I’m suffering while wanting her.

5. Phase 4- I damped her
So I got tired of her making me suffer. At around 16yrs (she would be 10) I found a neighborhood girlfriend. Remember all these times I never penetrated my half-sister. I have brushed her, give her oral (she never gave oral to me), fingered her, she was on top and I was also on top of her. After finding a girlfriend, I treated my half-sister as if she never existed. There is also one important thing that happened around this time. I was doing so well at school that I started to get respect from my adoptee family (my Aunt and her husband). My living condition has also improved, and they started to treat me more and more as a child rather than a servant. They also wanted me to give tutor to their own children’s and I was a good example to other kids in our family and in the neighborhood also. At the time everybody looks up to me, my half-siter wanted to be close to me and tries all our old tricks but I treat her like a $#%^. When I’m alone she will come to my room and I will tell her to get the ###$ out of here and never come back. I also make sure to see me with my girlfriend and my reasoning was like “ it was a mistake I did what I did with you because you are not worth for me, I have this beautiful girl and you are not a match to her so don’t bother trying” (I’m sorry for being this kind of jerk). So for around 5 years, we never had any contacts at all. During those times, we pretend nothing has happened and my attitude towards her is like “You don’t exist to me”

6. Phase 5 – Going to college and recognizing that we are brothers and sisters for the first time
when I was around 18-19, it was time for me to go to college, at that time she is around 13yrs old. May be because she has realized that this is our last chance to be together, but she started to approach me as sister. She started the conversation and asking about our mom (by the way our mom died when my sister is around 6-7 and I was around 13). So pretending nothing happened, we kind of start to move our relationship as brother and sister. Never felt the bond but I believe I accepted that and stopped treating her as if “she doesn’t exist” and start taking her seriously.

7. Phase 6 – coming back from college and starting it all over again
I know everyone will be surprised to hear this, but I did it again. I came back from college after a year. During those times, I always though about her and what we did during childhood, 10% of me tells me that I was wrong and evil, and I shouldn’t have done that, but 90% of tells me that we did it together and we enjoyed it and I should have done more. I masturbated thinking about her and all in all I missed her, and I believe part of me thinks that I’m in love with her. When I come from college, I came back as a celebrity for my family and neighborhood as not many children’s go to college. On top of that, I’m going to be an engineer which is big big deal since many of them never seen an engineer person before. When it comes to my half sister, I found her transformed to a whole another person with the way she talks, her body shape, dress end everything. She became sexy and look like a model. The minute I saw her I wanted her (I’m being honest). During my summer stay at home, I can tell you that I have masturbated everyday thinking about her. So one day, the whole family was watching movie and it was dark, she was not that much interested on the movie and she laid on the couch where I was seating, her legs were behind me and she was covered with blanket. So I moved my hand inside the blanket pretending I needed the warmth, and then slowly started to feel her body. What was in my mind at that time was “ I will try my luck if you still are interested to do what we have been doing during our childhood. If you stop me, I will stop but if you let me, that means you wanted me too so I will give it my shot”. So, with that thinking, I started to rub her thigh she didn’t stop me. She even open her legs so that I can proceed towards her vigina and I did go up but for some reason she stopped me from fingering her by squeezing her thigh and not letting me get there. I didn’t mind since I already ejaculated on my pant while seating there.

8. Phase 7 – moved out of country
surprisingly since the day I came to college till I fly to the UK, we continued our wired relationship on and off for around 7 years (till I’m around 27 and she is 21-22). We pretend we are brothers and sisters, we do not talk about what we are doing (we kind of pretend we are not doing it) but we will find situations and I will brush her, kiss her on the chicks (she only let me kiss her on her lips one time and we were both drinking at that time), I will finger her, I will give her oral (she never did) but again I never penetrated her (she never took out her underwear since I got back from college even when I give her oral). Here again I would like to emphasize that I never wanted to cross that line and have penetrative sex. The reason was not because I felt wrong or guilty doing it, it is just because I felt that if I cross that line, then I felt that I will be obliged to talk about what we are doing (instead of pretending) and may be make our relationship real. If we get to that stage, I do not know if I was able to handle it or where it will take us so I avoided that by not crossing that line.
The last night before I fly to UK, she asked me if I can sleep with her and I got the message, I was prepared to do the penetrative sex but I never did it. I just hugged her, fingered her and kissed her on the chicks and whispered I love her more than a sister for the first time (she didn’t reply). I will be honest here, one of the reasons that contributed for not doing penetrative sex is because I had sex every day for the past week before my departure day with my then girlfriend so the urge was not that much. I believe I wouldn’t have controlled myself (since I was given a green light) if I didn’t have sex for a day.

9. Final note
a. My sister is now married and have four children. We are now closer as brother and sister and I support her a lot financially. Because of me she is living very comfortable life
b. As I said at the beginning, I have also family but to this day I still masturbate thinking about my half sister and I regret the fact that I didn’t have penetrative sex the day I departed to UK. There is nothing in life I regret as much as that day.
c. I feel that I need to talk to her because I feel that I do not have closure. I wanted to know what she feels. As far as I’m concerned, I wanted to tell her that I never felt to another woman the way I feel to her. There is something that comes from deep inside me that wants her and never had that feeling with another woman including my wife. Don’t know if that is love but I want her to be mine so bad.

10. I need Advice- Convince me I am an abuser or validate what I feel and tell me I am right
Am I an abuser or someone who fell in love with his half-sister? Specially girls who you think have been abused, tell me why I was abusing her. Convince me and show me the things that I’m not able to see. If I am, I really want to apologies, but to apologies, I really need to be convinced that I did wrong because as far as I’m concerned, what we did all those years is consensual and if I have to take any responsibility for my actions, I will take responsibility for making the first move. To be honest, I do not feel guilty for making the first move because as I man, that is what is expected from me. If she has refused when I make the first move or even after that, I wouldn’t force her at all. For as long as I do not force or coerce someone, I believe the things we did is consensual.
I know most people will say she is 6 years old she doesn’t know anything you should know better. I admit that I should know better but at the same time, I was also a child (10-11 yrs) at that time. I never intend to harm her the night I made the first move. I went to go to bed, and I saw her naked lying there. Just like there is an urge for you to pie, I had unstoppable force that made me do what I did. This force become a growing disease, it wanted more everyday and she was willing to do it with me.
If you think I’m not an abuser, can you validate that It is okay to fall in love with her and needing some closure. When I say closure, it is not about sex (I admit if I get the chance again, I will do anything to have sex with her) but about the fact that I wanted to seat with her look at her eyes and tell her I really love her because to this day I never felt to any woman the way I feel towards her. If she feels the same, I wanted to hug her and kiss her as lovers both of us admitting and enjoying and being open about it. That is all I wanted; I need closure. There is some part of me telling me that she feels the way I do because if she do not feel the same as I do, then why would she late me do what I did once she became adult?
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Nov 28, 2021 4:03 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: swear filter; trigger warnings added; moved to Remorse
nanifeker
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Re: Educate me if i'm an Abuser *TW*

Postby sprock » Tue Nov 30, 2021 9:44 am

Hi there. Sometimes people who were abuse will later seek to have sex with their abusers in the hope that they will gain some feeling of control over the situation or else that it will convince themselves that it was not a harmful experience. I am afraid to say that while your feelings of love may be genuine to yourself, that the age difference between, for instance, 9 and 15 years, really means that your half-sister could not consent. I appreciate there are cultural complexities here, though I worry you are still hung up on your feelings towards your half-sister. I do wonder if it might be worth you engaging with https://www.stopitnow.org.uk

Kindest,
Sprock
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