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i want to pay penance

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i want to pay penance

Postby jaus tail » Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:43 pm

how do i pay penance...
from 2013 i have done terrible sexual acts. was in intensive therapy for ~15 months. thought i had recovered.

but then i relapsed by online sexual chats n video calls. had horrible relapse this saturday. the sexual conversation was very self-derogatory where i let others degrade me n insult me. it was terrible. i am ashamed to even type the words i used for myself. :(

i was better till before that. well i thought i was.... now i feel i need to pay some sort of penance. my soul has to suffer. i am unable to do so. i self harmed but i need to pay for what i did to myself n the shame i brought to my family.

i also exchanged nudes(no face) n a pic with mask.
i fear what if the nudes go on some porn website :(

i deleted my app account so the pics would be deleted from the other uses messages, but it could go on their mobile phone sd card. what if when they get their mobile repaired, the repair guy accesses them n makes the pics public.

i want to suffer for what i did. i need some higher power someone to forgive me. i cant forgive myself. that feels like an easy way out.
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Re: i want to pay penance

Postby Snaga » Fri Nov 19, 2021 5:08 am

I'm hoping that you didn't self-harm too badly.

Although I can't be too critical; been there, done that.

When it's you, it always seems so much greater. But looking at it from outside of it, it all seems far too harsh on yourself. As for the nudes: how many dude pics are out there on the internet? Millions? You're lost in an ocean of pics; do you really think it is that much of an issue? I mean, maybe if you had very specific tattoos, or something...

jaus tail wrote:i feel i need to pay some sort of penance. my soul has to suffer.


You don't call what is going on now, suffering? I beg to differ. You torture yourself and suffer more than is required by penance, if you ask me. The activity you recently have done hurts no one else. Only you, because it tears you up to have done it. I would say you have paid your penance, in full.

jaus tail wrote:i need some higher power someone to forgive me. i cant forgive myself. that feels like an easy way out.


I have no idea what other gods would do, but being Christian, I'd argue if you went to my Supreme Being for forgiveness, through Christ, accepting Him as Savior and asking forgiveness is far, far easier than forgiving yourself- you want to talk about easy ways out! Forgiving yourself has to be harder, than depending upon a supernatural being to forgive you after having jumped through whatever requisite hoops the religion of choice requires- be it a sacrifice, a talk with a priest, or some time on your knees just you and a Supreme Being.

I'd argue getting a higher power to forgive you is the easy part. It's forgiving ourselves, that is so damned difficult. Because we don't want to forgive ourselves. Otherwise, you wouldn't say it was so easy, I think- because it's anything but, unless a person has no conscience. I may slough off shabby things I've done in the past, and not let them bother me... until they do. Because forgiving myself isn't so easy.

So we're down to forgiving yourself. I'd argue you've harmed no one by these recent acts, and did them with consenting adults, and both got what you wanted from the exchanges. I understand feeling as if this is a terrible hole you can't climb out of- I chose my username here with this sort of thing in mind- if you've ever read The Lord Of The Rings, you understand 'Snaga' is Orkish for 'slave'; and I am slave to many things inside my head. Including sexual desires that I have struggled with for years.

It is what it is. You don't do the terrible things you alluded to, anymore- if this is the worst you've got now, I think you're doing pretty good, Jaus. We have to blow a little steam off somehow. If you have the urge for the kinds of sex talk you mention, or showing off some skin quite anonymously... and those things keep you from the things that caused you even greater distress, then should you be so hard on yourself for slipping every once in a while? You're only human, after all. We are all slave to our desires and lusts and kinks. This is.. fairly tame, it really is. And hurt no one, save yourself.
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Re: i want to pay penance

Postby jaus tail » Fri Nov 19, 2021 1:58 pm

I'm hoping that you didn't self-harm too badly.

thanks. it was just slaps to punish myself.

Although I can't be too critical; been there, done that.

sorry to hear this :(

When it's you, it always seems so much greater. But looking at it from outside of it, it all seems far too harsh on yourself.

I realize this now. in 2013, my regret was just a gay pass on a colleague which was nothing compared to the stuff that i did later on. i wish i hadnt let that incident put my life on a wrong track. :(

back then someone on psychforums had told me:
let it go. dont let it ruin your life. dont think who did what. else you'll be going from one doc to another, n get diagnosed with one pd or another. just let it go. accept the past as a mistake and let it go.

but i was all self-righteous. now i realize it was to some extent hypocritical on my part.

my mistake then was nothing compared to what i did later on :( :(

As for the nudes: how many dude pics are out there on the internet? Millions? You're lost in an ocean of pics; do you really think it is that much of an issue? I mean, maybe if you had very specific tattoos, or something...

no tattoos. still i wish i hadnt degraded myself like that by indulging in that sort of conversation where someone is insulting and speaking to you with super foul n extremely filthy words. i was like some drug addict on some binge.

jaus tail wrote:i feel i need to pay some sort of penance. my soul has to suffer.


You don't call what is going on now, suffering? I beg to differ. You torture yourself and suffer more than is required by penance, if you ask me. The activity you recently have done hurts no one else. Only you, because it tears you up to have done it.

i feel unworthy. i feel guilty toward myself. for degrading myself. feel bad for my family. those guys must be thinking, jaus is such a (expletive noun). god knows what family, he must be from. one guy also called me slurs that insult family. i feel bad for my family.

its disgusting :(

I would say you have paid your penance, in full.

no offense but you havent done the stuff which i have done. so you're clean. i feel yuck.

jaus tail wrote:i need some higher power someone to forgive me. i cant forgive myself. that feels like an easy way out.


It's forgiving ourselves, that is so damned difficult. Because we don't want to forgive ourselves. Otherwise, you wouldn't say it was so easy, I think- because it's anything but, unless a person has no conscience. I may slough off shabby things I've done in the past, and not let them bother me... until they do. Because forgiving myself isn't so easy.

yeah.. conscience. i am not forgiving myself because i think it keeps my conscience alive in some way. i dont want to be happy with what i've done. its like i dont deserve it.

if only the childhood had been different, who knows what wouldve happened.... i just...

I am slave to many things inside my head. Including sexual desires that I have struggled with for years.

its good you havent acted on them. i only regret my decisions.

It is what it is.

THIS. i dont want this life. i want to start all over again from a different childhood :( we only get one life n i dont want it like this :(

You don't do the terrible things you alluded to, anymore- if this is the worst you've got now, I think you're doing pretty good, Jaus. We have to blow a little steam off somehow. If you have the urge for the kinds of sex talk you mention, or showing off some skin quite anonymously... and those things keep you from the things that caused you even greater distress, then should you be so hard on yourself for slipping every once in a while?

right now i'm not even thinking of sexual thoughts. i dont want repeat that behavior ever.

You're only human, after all. We are all slave to ur desires and lusts and kinks. This is.. fairly tame, it really is. And hurt no one, save yourself.

thanks for this reply. it doesnt fix me but it brings some relief. i appreciate your constant help.
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Re: i want to pay penance

Postby Snaga » Fri Nov 19, 2021 8:04 pm

I know it doesn't help 'fix'... I just constantly worry that you want to fix things that are not only impossible to completely fix, such as our libidos, but that, instead of being shoved down to fester, could be controlled to at least an extent that it's discreet and doesn't cause trouble around you. I don't think the internet stuff should be such a source of distress, and it pains me that it is. You're still single, right? Who are you hurting? Family honor? What they don't know won't hurt them.

I know it's so very easy to feel guilty. If we were having a conversation from a religious standpoint, then I would put more importance on it. But unless I'm mistaken, you're not worried about angering a god. You're just disgusted. And I argue that sometimes we have to accept that we're messed up creatures, and have to negotiate Life knowing we have desires that we were brought up to feel ashamed of. And I just don't see the point of being so hard on yourself. It's spinning your wheels in the mud- to no avail. In the end, I think the best many of us can hope for is to compromise with ourselves and try to manage our unwanted lusts, allowing for some release of sexual tension somehow. If sexting and camming helps, then is it really so bad? It's not as if you're alone in that.
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Tell someone today that you love them; for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon; for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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