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Past mistakes and heavy remorse

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Past mistakes and heavy remorse

Postby bluecouchred » Sun Aug 08, 2021 11:15 am

When I was 10 years old I was abused by my brother since age 10 to 15. Since then, I started to watch porn and that created me a big addiction that it will last until several years ago. At the age of 16 I thought that being a minor I could do whatever I wanted with my body and joined sex chat groups. Obviously I shouldnt have been there, and people in there should I have told me to leave, but nobody did. Later on I stumbled upon pedophiles that started asking me to join a loli group, and because of my addiction to anything being porn and lack of responsability or insight to anything porn related, I joined.

I started getting really addicted to shota and loli porn really fast, without thinking about anything...

Then the started to ask me to send pictures of myself. At first I didnt want to, but ended up sending them.

Then one of them starts sending illegal stuff through the chat and sends me that stuff too.

I begin to panic and have a mental breakdown and leave the group.

After that I start to think that I am like one of them, and start to think that that was what I really liked after all so at the peak of my porn addiction I began to search for that stuff, involve in chat rooms that talk about that, etc.

One of the things that really concerns me is that if I have hurt anybody, any kid or any person while doing so. I dont think so but my memories are to blurred that I just cannot be 100% sure.

Eventually, not so far apart, I stop doing everything related to that and realised what I did. Since then I've had all these thought of gilt and regret that I cannot take them from my head.

I have told the police the websites, what they do there and reported them a couple of times but its not enough...

I picture myself as a monster, I know that now I'm not, everything related to molesting a child grosses me out a lot, but I cannot do anything but think that I lost my future, that if it comes out everyone will hate me and I have no chance of redeeming myself.

I've been going to threapy but I feel like these blurred memories will never cease to appear in my head, and if I cannot be forgiven I don't know what I'll do.

I've been thinking about suicide or leaving everything because there's no hope but Im hopeful its not like that...

What do I do?
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Re: Past mistakes and heavy remorse

Postby Snaga » Sun Aug 08, 2021 4:57 pm

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Looking at it from the outside, I don't think you're the monster you make yourself out to be. Pray tell me, how else do you expect yourself to have behaved? What did you have to base it on? Not the behavior of the ones abusing and coercing you. Not the gift of age, you weren't old enough to make judgment calls like that.

We're considered adults not only when we've mostly stopped growing in our bodies, but our minds as well. Which really, I don't know how it is for girls but I think the male brain isn't finished until sometime in the 20s. But you were introduced to sex right when, or right before, your hormones kicked in. Without time to realise on your own what's appropriate behavior and what's not. Now you have an idea, and you don't do those things any more.

And as far as the thought you are a molester- I don't know your age now but surely for most of this you were a child yourself. How is a child, being sexually interested in other children, deviant? I'm in my late fifties, if I get the hots for a 12-year-old, I need to have a Come To Jesus meeting with myself. When I was 12 or 13, well, no, I refuse to think I did anything wrong. If I'd had the chance (no internet back then, so no) to see other naked minors, I certainly wouldn't be feeling guilty over it now, even though I understand CP is morally reprehensible. First, I was a minor too- and second, I can't judge my adolescent brain too harshly on what my adult sensibilities are, because especially at like age 13, I was flat incapable of thinking like a mature adult. And remained that way well into my 20s- what I wrote earlier about male brains applies here. Yes my avatar is Tinkerbell, yes I have Y chromosome anyway, so yeah, my 20s. Once their hormones kick in, kids are just plain sex-addled for a while.

I think it would have been a rare person, to have been anything else than what you've described, given what happened. You're past that now and you don't do it. You can't change what happened, all you can do is to do what you've done- you duly reported those websites and as far as I'm concerned you're good with Karma. You're not perpetuating the abuse, please try not to be so harsh on yourself for things that you weren't equipped to handle. You never physically bullied other kids for sex, did you? You were groomed into what you were looking at online. It didn't happen spontaneously. You're more the victim, than the perpetrator, by a long way, from this story, it seems.

It speaks well of you, that you're upset over this, but don't let it drag you down into a miserable life- you're better than that and you deserve better than that. Try to let this go sweetie. You need to.
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Re: Past mistakes and heavy remorse

Postby bluecouchred » Tue Aug 10, 2021 3:14 pm

Thank you so much for your response!
It is true that, based on what happened to me, I maybe couldn't have behaved any other way.
It is something that I still feel some type of remorse for, because ultimately it wasn't ok, but your response has actually helped me a lot to understand that I've gone through a lot of abuse and that probably that was the cause of my early on sexual behaviour as a kid.
One thing that also hurts me a lot is that I worry that I may actually have hurted anyone younger than me at that time, and that I dont remember, I think I have some kind of POCD and false memories issue.
Nevertheless, I cannot control what happened in my past now, and given what was put to me as a kid, I don't know if I should continue being mad about myself for whatever thing that I could have done in the past, because ultimately I dont even know if I even had a chance to not do stuff or think properly given everything.
All I know is that nowadays I'm fully aware of the consequences of abuse, and that I would not do it again.
Still, it leaves me a bad taste in my mouth, because of OCD and anxiety my mind creates sometimes these fake memories to torment me more and sometimes ruins me good times or makes me sad, like stuff that I may have a sexual behavior with my cousin at that age or that I could go to jail, stuff like that probably isn't true.
I don't know what should I do with it, but I know that I dont want to spend another day crying for 2 hours everyday like I did last week.
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