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Abused my sister as a younger teen, seeking to help her now

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Abused my sister as a younger teen, seeking to help her now

Postby NeverBotherYou » Mon Jun 14, 2021 6:32 pm

I am a 17 year old male, I have a 8 year old sister. In short the story is that I abused my sister physically for a long time and sexually for a shorter period of time, and now I want to mitigate the damage I have already done. I wanted to confess for a long time, but I grew up for it only now I think.

I grew up anxious and lonely. Throught my life I never made friends. In the last year I was trying to change myself to the better, I wanted to stop wasting all my time on the internet, start making friends and get a hobby. I went into therapy, but after a while of digging in my mind I quit with the conclusion that can't do anything if I sabotage my own attempts. The reason turned out to be guilt. The story is ahead.

In the first grade at 7 years of age I was involved in a sex act with my peer who initiated it, I beared a lot of shame from it for years. At 10 or 11 I got a personal computer, and I practically became addicted to videogames to the point my parents had to use physical force to stop me. I was already in a vicious loop of school-videogames-homework, I became more and more anxious, I stopped reading books and going outside. My sister was born by then. If I was left one on one with her, I would slap her in case she cried or made a mistake like spilling a glass of water. This abuse continued throughout the years until the last month or so. The extent varied, as in the last years I could largerly refrain from beating her, there were several times I did it though.

There also was the sexual abuse. At around 12 I got access to internet pornography, and soon enough it became my main way of escaping the stress of a lonely life. Masturbation to porn became compulsive. Since I was young my interests were teenage girls so I tried to find such porn, at first it was just drawn porn, but soon I became obsessed with finding porn of teenage girls aka child pornography. At 14 I knew I could not have a real partner, and my sister, who was only 5 years old, was the only real possibility for my sick fantasies to become real. I did not think of the effects sexual abuse could have on her, and didn't think of.the legal concerns. I don't remember it clearly, but I think I gave in to the lust and stopped thinking about any consequences. So, I abused her. I touched her inappropriately, I exposed my genitals to her, I tried to entice her to masturbate me, which did not work. One time I tried to RAPE her, but luckily for both of us she escaped. The sexual abuse lasted a month or so, and it ended when my parents caught me in the act. There was a lot of shame on both sides, a small conversation, and the incident was seemingly forgotten about. Once again, there were several times I had accidentally (or should I say, "accidentally") touched her inappropriately as a part of physical play after I was caught. I don't remember doing it in the last year though.

Regarding child porn, after I was caught molesting my sister I got back to using porn to satisfy my urges. When I actually found child porn, I was shocked and disgusted. Only then I found out about the abuse involved and how the victims suffer from fear, shame and guilt. But I did not stop there and then. Instead I continued to search for pornography of underage adolescents of my age and I continued viewing someone's private photos until now, even though I know the unwilling "model" was deceived and likely suffers. I guess from the ages I've spent not talking to anyone I've got desensitized to feeling compassion for others. This is why I am writing this here: I am tired of thinking about it on my own and drowning in my own thoughts and guesses, I want to know others' opinions, maybe ever see the situation from the victims point of view. I want to take action.

So, my priority is the wellbeing of my sister. She already is having problems with concentration, just like me when I was her age. I consider that a warning sign though. I looked up some info on abusewatch.net and found out that even if the effects of child abuse are not seen in a child, they can manifest themselves in the teenagehood or adulthood. So, I am asking:
Do I bear a significant risk to my sister's, and anyone else's, wellbeing and if I do, what should I do about it?
Can I or my parents be reported to the authorities by a therapist if I or we discuss the event with them?
How and when will it be the best to take care of the abuse effects on my sister?

And the last, how can I learn to feel more compassionate for others?

I really hope to get an aswer for this. I want to know how serious the situation really is.
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Re: Abused my sister as a younger teen, seeking to help her now

Postby Snaga » Mon Jun 14, 2021 7:53 pm

Hello and welcome to the forums.

In my mind, at 14 is sort of the tail end of where a young teen's sexual drives and ability to act appropriately are not always on the same page. We get a lot of similar stories in here and most of them seem fairly innocuous but you do paint a picture of having ramped things up a little bit.

Still, the difference between what a kid knows is appropriate behavior at 17 is a lot different than one who's 14- there's a lot of growing up in between those two ages. Not to completely excuse your behaviour with your sister, but the 17 year old you is judging your 14 year old self by standards that hadn't yet taken at that age. The most important thing is that you know it's inappropriate and that you now have the ability to not act on urges when you know the behavior is wildly inappropriate.

Looking at the porn. Legally, CP is CP is CP. Don't seek out underage photos. I fail to see how it's an intrinsic moral failing, however, on the part of a viewer who's the same ages as the illicit content. In the OCD forum we get so many people with OCD style anxiety who are hung up on this notion that as a teenager they ought to have been sexually attracted to adults, and that they were attracted to peers, makes them some kind of pedophile. Well of course you wanted to see girls your age. The material is verboten, don't do it. But it's not the same as if a 30 year old was looking at it.

I don't think you bear a risk to anyone's wellbeing at this point. You seem to have thought this out pretty thoroughly. Past harm to your sister... I have no idea what therapists will and won't report. We're talking about the past, but I don't know an answer to that. I think, if you're that concerned about her, and since your parents already know about it, that you sit down privately with them and air your remorse and your concerns. And then go with their thoughts on it.

As far as abuse effects- look your sister might just think of you as a meanie brother and that might be the end of it. How much of this does she remember? How does she behave around you? This happened for a month and you say you tried to R her but how serious an attempt was that? We tend to magnify our sins in our own minds, when we're feeling remorse. It really comes down to her psyche it seems to me- this could be almost nothing in her mind; or it could be a huge deal. Don't know without asking her I reckon. I'd talk to my parents about that as well. I'm not sure it's automatically something that will affect her, and I think it's best to proceed carefully in order to not make it something that it isn't. If you're so lucky that it isn't.

I say share some of this with your parents- you don't have to go into the porn but as far as your sister is concerned I'd tell them I'm afraid of having harmed her in the long term by my actions, if it had been me.
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Re: Abused my sister as a younger teen, seeking to help her now

Postby NeverBotherYou » Tue Jun 15, 2021 10:07 am

Hello, thank you for your reply.

It is good to know that I am not actively dangerous to my sister, but there still can be some problems because of my abuse. The R attempt was by use of force, obviously, but I stopped once she started trying to get away from me.

I will have a conversation with my parents about the issue, I will raise my concerns there. I think the topic of abuse should be raised in a professional environment, like group family therapy or personal therapy for the victim, so I won't talk to my sister about it for now. I'll visit her soon so I will look at her behavior for any signs of mental distress.

And as for the porn part, the issue really is that the porn I watch is noconsensual porn, meaning it is someone's private materials distributed without consent, it creates shame and guilt for the victim and that is why I think it is morally wrong to watch it. However I struggle with the behaviour, watching.porn and masturbating is compulsive for me and is caused by stress, which I have a lot. Since guilt=stress it is a vicious loop where I did not dare to escape because I considered myself an unworthy individual until very recently.

In the end, you cleared some things up for me, I am grateful to you for that.

-- Thu Jun 17, 2021 7:28 am --

Snaga wrote:I say share some of this with your parents- you don't have to go into the porn but as far as your sister is concerned I'd tell them I'm afraid of having harmed her in the long term by my actions, if it had been me.
I had a conversation with my parents. They said I should have told my concerns them much earlier so that I had not kept it to myself, as I did really feel remorse for my actions. Also they said they will not do anything for now about this as there are no abnormalties in my sister's behaviour now, but they agreed that we should keep this situation in mind in case any problems arise in the future.

I am now sure I did everything I had to do for now.

Thank you, Snaga for helping me work through this.

-- Thu Jun 17, 2021 7:33 am --

Snaga wrote:I say share some of this with your parents- you don't have to go into the porn but as far as your sister is concerned I'd tell them I'm afraid of having harmed her in the long term by my actions, if it had been me.
I had a conversation with my parents. They said I should have told my concerns them much earlier so that I had not kept it to myself, as I did really feel remorse for my actions. Also they said they will not do anything for now about this as there are no abnormalties in my sister's behaviour now, but they agreed that we should keep this situation in mind in case any problems arise in the future.

I am now sure I did everything I had to do for now.

Thank you, Snaga for helping me work through this.
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Re: Abused my sister as a younger teen, seeking to help her now

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 17, 2021 4:47 pm

I'm glad to hear y'all had a conversation about it- and what they plan seems prudent.
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Re: Abused my sister as a younger teen, seeking to help her now

Postby cursedforever4312 » Mon Jun 21, 2021 12:22 pm

NeverBotherYou wrote:I am a 17 year old male, I have a 8 year old sister. In short the story is that I abused my sister physically for a long time and sexually for a shorter period of time, and now I want to mitigate the damage I have already done. I wanted to confess for a long time, but I grew up for it only now I think.

I grew up anxious and lonely. Throught my life I never made friends. In the last year I was trying to change myself to the better, I wanted to stop wasting all my time on the internet, start making friends and get a hobby. I went into therapy, but after a while of digging in my mind I quit with the conclusion that can't do anything if I sabotage my own attempts. The reason turned out to be guilt. The story is ahead.

In the first grade at 7 years of age I was involved in a sex act with my peer who initiated it, I beared a lot of shame from it for years. At 10 or 11 I got a personal computer, and I practically became addicted to videogames to the point my parents had to use physical force to stop me. I was already in a vicious loop of school-videogames-homework, I became more and more anxious, I stopped reading books and going outside. My sister was born by then. If I was left one on one with her, I would slap her in case she cried or made a mistake like spilling a glass of water. This abuse continued throughout the years until the last month or so. The extent varied, as in the last years I could largerly refrain from beating her, there were several times I did it though.

There also was the sexual abuse. At around 12 I got access to internet pornography, and soon enough it became my main way of escaping the stress of a lonely life. Masturbation to porn became compulsive. Since I was young my interests were teenage girls so I tried to find such porn, at first it was just drawn porn, but soon I became obsessed with finding porn of teenage girls aka child pornography. At 14 I knew I could not have a real partner, and my sister, who was only 5 years old, was the only real possibility for my sick fantasies to become real. I did not think of the effects sexual abuse could have on her, and didn't think of.the legal concerns. I don't remember it clearly, but I think I gave in to the lust and stopped thinking about any consequences. So, I abused her. I touched her inappropriately, I exposed my genitals to her, I tried to entice her to masturbate me, which did not work. One time I tried to RAPE her, but luckily for both of us she escaped. The sexual abuse lasted a month or so, and it ended when my parents caught me in the act. There was a lot of shame on both sides, a small conversation, and the incident was seemingly forgotten about. Once again, there were several times I had accidentally (or should I say, "accidentally") touched her inappropriately as a part of physical play after I was caught. I don't remember doing it in the last year though.

Regarding child porn, after I was caught molesting my sister I got back to using porn to satisfy my urges. When I actually found child porn, I was shocked and disgusted. Only then I found out about the abuse involved and how the victims suffer from fear, shame and guilt. But I did not stop there and then. Instead I continued to search for pornography of underage adolescents of my age and I continued viewing someone's private photos until now, even though I know the unwilling "model" was deceived and likely suffers. I guess from the ages I've spent not talking to anyone I've got desensitized to feeling compassion for others. This is why I am writing this here: I am tired of thinking about it on my own and drowning in my own thoughts and guesses, I want to know others' opinions, maybe ever see the situation from the victims point of view. I want to take action.

So, my priority is the wellbeing of my sister. She already is having problems with concentration, just like me when I was her age. I consider that a warning sign though. I looked up some info on abusewatch.net and found out that even if the effects of child abuse are not seen in a child, they can manifest themselves in the teenagehood or adulthood. So, I am asking:
Do I bear a significant risk to my sister's, and anyone else's, wellbeing and if I do, what should I do about it?
Can I or my parents be reported to the authorities by a therapist if I or we discuss the event with them?
How and when will it be the best to take care of the abuse effects on my sister?

And the last, how can I learn to feel more compassionate for others?

I really hope to get an aswer for this. I want to know how serious the situation really is.



well, I have seen a lot of posts here, I can never relate anything close to yours. well I gone through exactly the same thing that you just posted. i am 18 turning 19 in two weeks. it is been 6 months I am suffering from guilt, shame , pocd.
I still didn't found the way out.
I have done the exact thing you told in your post.
if you want, message me, maybe we can try to help each other.
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