I'll try to be as straight to the point as I can. When I was 14-15 I was appointed to being the babysitter of my 4-5 year old nephew. Everything about the relationship was fine except; he was a chubby kid and there were times when I would squeeze his breasts as a way of teasing him. There were even instances were I remember putting my mouth on his breasts taking things even further. Around 16 I started to realize how inappropriate that was and stopped. As the years went by I've begun to feel increasingly more disgusted with my actions.
Recently I went back home to visit, my nephew is about 13 now. I remember taking him to a doctors visit not knowing what it was for. My nephew lay on a table shirtless with a doctor asking him what's wrong. He has now made a habit out of covering his chest area at random times in fear. I've traumatized him. I remember his mom showing up to the doctors office that day. She never said it directly but I know she knows.
Today I struggle with being a functioning adult. I wake up and the guilt hits me like a train. My nephew and I actually have a very positive relationship. He still looks up to me and I still care for him well. However, he's getting older. I always wonder exactly how this trauma is going to affect him going into his fragile teenage years. I also wonder how long this can remain a family secret. If my mom knew, I'd die. Even if they didn't ostracize me, I'd just ostracize myself out of shame.
Please understand I don't want to excuse my actions and I realize when the truth comes to light they'll be seen objectively through the eyes of others. This being said, at the time of the act I had no idea of exactly what I was doing. The implications of it. The level of boundary I was crossing.
If my nephew grows to confront me, I'd be more than willing to be accountable/remorseful and have conversation. But my family knowing? I don't know how I'm gonna get through that.