Childhood regret for the rest of my life

I'll try to be as straight to the point as I can. When I was 14-15 I was appointed to being the babysitter of my 4-5 year old nephew. Everything about the relationship was fine except; he was a chubby kid and there were times when I would squeeze his breasts as a way of teasing him. There were even instances were I remember putting my mouth on his breasts taking things even further. Around 16 I started to realize how inappropriate that was and stopped. As the years went by I've begun to feel increasingly more disgusted with my actions.

Recently I went back home to visit, my nephew is about 13 now. I remember taking him to a doctors visit not knowing what it was for. My nephew lay on a table shirtless with a doctor asking him what's wrong. He has now made a habit out of covering his chest area at random times in fear. I've traumatized him. I remember his mom showing up to the doctors office that day. She never said it directly but I know she knows.

Today I struggle with being a functioning adult. I wake up and the guilt hits me like a train. My nephew and I actually have a very positive relationship. He still looks up to me and I still care for him well. However, he's getting older. I always wonder exactly how this trauma is going to affect him going into his fragile teenage years. I also wonder how long this can remain a family secret. If my mom knew, I'd die. Even if they didn't ostracize me, I'd just ostracize myself out of shame.

Please understand I don't want to excuse my actions and I realize when the truth comes to light they'll be seen objectively through the eyes of others. This being said, at the time of the act I had no idea of exactly what I was doing. The implications of it. The level of boundary I was crossing.

If my nephew grows to confront me, I'd be more than willing to be accountable/remorseful and have conversation. But my family knowing? I don't know how I'm gonna get through that.

Hi,

First off, you never wanted to traumatize him. Second, if he's unwell with his breast, I think it would be a great idea to ask him what's wrong. Maybe you two can work out and forget about the trauma. And finally, it's okay to feel like this. That way you can learn from that mistake and move on. Hope my advice helps.

With kindness,

KidDJ

I do not feel this is something to feel guilty about. Seems you were being playful with him but yeah maybe taking it a little too far. Maybe the guilt is making you jump to the worst case conclusions? I cover my chest because I have a minor case of man boobage and I'm a little insecure about it. I also cover & fold me arms when I am thinking about things or just generally uncomfortable around people. I know I'd cover my chest in a drs room if I had my shirt off. I guess you could ask him if you guys are close? I know it's easier said than done lol

DoDecaDon wrote:I do not feel this is something to feel guilty about. Seems you were being playful with him but yeah maybe taking it a little too far. Maybe the guilt is making you jump to the worst case conclusions? I cover my chest because I have a minor case of man boobage and I'm a little insecure about it. I also cover & fold me arms when I am thinking about things or just generally uncomfortable around people. I know I'd cover my chest in a drs room if I had my shirt off. I guess you could ask him if you guys are close? I know it's easier said than done lol

That's a great idea. I'm not sure if I said something wrong to this person, because I don't want to give bad advices to anyone.