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what do you do when you have nothing left : tw sibling abuse

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what do you do when you have nothing left : tw sibling abuse

Postby cursedforever4312 » Sun Apr 18, 2021 3:39 pm

So i will just say it shortly i touched my sister twice inappropriately when i was 12 or 13 not more than 14. she was 4-6. i masturbated myself while i did that. also i remember rubbing myself for my sexual pleasure with my sister. i guess she was a toddler. i am 18 now and suddenly i remember what i did.
thank god my sister don't remember any of this.
i am feeling guilt and remorse. if i got a chance to have a time machine, the thing i will do first is to go to my past me and stopping from what i am doing.
i was very sexual then. i never thought the consequences that involved. I was a monster. i still cannot accept the fact that once i was capable of harming a little girl. i cannot believe what kind of monster i am . i also once remember i accidently gone to a cp website and i have memories of masturbating to it. i don't know if that is true. i cannot forgive myself. i accept what ever you judge me. i know i am a monster.
i understand that i am 18 now, but i am worried that i am a monster who is still capable of sexualizing children
i honestly want to tell this to people i love and i want to be hugged by them. i want them to tell me that its going to be alright. i don't know where to run
I just cannot accept. my fear of pocd and intrusive thoughts make it worse. i just want to go back to life that i lived before. i was just a normal boy. i was loved by my parents and now i feel like i don't deserve their love. i am a piece of $#%^. even though it was raging harmone and i was ignorant, i cannot belive that i did that to a little angel. i cannot belive i did that. when i see my face in the mirror, i see a monster who will molest innocent and beautiful childrens of god.
i honestly don't want to live, but i am scared to die. when ever i see a little kid, i cry. i don't know what else to do. i am getting the memories. i am getting a panic attack each time when i get those memories.
my parents are old. i don't know how many days they still have on earth. i just want to spend some time with them, but the feeling of self worthlessness and guiltiness make it impossible to see them face to face. i just want to be a normal guy. i wanted to have a family before. i wanted to be a dad for a my wonderful daughter. but realizing what kind of monster i have been, i think i should just keep it as a dream. i cannot accept it. my pocd makes me think i am attracted to and going to molest all the kids on the road. i seriously don't want to. but i am worried the monster won't take much time to do it. if it wasn't for my parents, seriously i would've dead aleready. whenever i planned to kill myself, the face of my parents when they realized their son who they raised for 18 years wasted his life is coming to me. i honestly don't know what to do.
i just want to live a normal life. i never realized a day like this would come to me.
i don't know what to do. i feel empty inside. i cannot accept this. i prayed. i think god just gave me up or my punishment is to just suffer in my own hell for rest of my life. i agree. maybe i don't deserve to be forgiven. i am a piece of $#%^ who is capable of harming a pure soul. i am a piece of $#%^. i am saying that atleast a million times in my head. i want to start life again . but i don't think that is ever going to happen. that incident is keep playing inside my head a million time. i should live my life undercover. I had dreams like giving my parents a better future, making them feel proud of me and it i am really worried that i cannot do it anymore. i don't know what to do. at this point i don't have any purpose.
i joined in uni with great hopes, but i cannot. i feel like i don't deserve it. i feel like i should just be like this ruminating and feeling guilt.
thankgod my sister don't remember any of this.
why am i even alive? i don't know. i cannot afford a theraphist. i tried to go to a general counsellor, all they told me is to forgive myself. it is easy to say but i guess i cannot do it.
i don't know what to do
honestly who ever sees this, if you are religious, just pray god to give me some deadly diseases so that a monster like me would leave this society and make it a better place for others to live

i don't know what to do other than this. i really don't know.
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Re: what do you do when you have nothing left : tw sibling abuse

Postby lamosa » Mon May 10, 2021 7:32 pm

Hi OP,

First of all, I read the whole story and I don't see a monster. I see a human being that did some things he now regrets. Please don't give up on life, even after reading it all I still think you perfectly deserve a great life and also a family with a daughter which I believe you would not hard but love as every parent would love his or her child.

Now we had that out of the way, yes it's not good what you did, but the fact that you regret it only makes it more clear that this is now what you want, at least not looking back. You were a child with hormones running through your body. I mean I think a lot of boys of that age try things out that they look back at in shame. Maybe you humped your teddybear or whatever. Ok, I see it was your sister, but and while it's not OK, you didn't do her real damage not physically (you touched her, it's really not OK but you did not hurt her I assume?) nor mentally (she doesn't remember).

Now you are clearly speaking about having POCD, that must be really hard. I myself have OCD and am familiar with POCD. Maybe you feel like needing the 100% certainty that you are not a "P", but I'm afraid that's impossible. Your past however are no proof of you being this way. Are you mentally and or physically primary or solely attracted to prepubescent children (age below 10)? Probably not if you are talking about POCD. It's more the fair of being so than being so. You know what the brain does? It makes thinking about something (like a fair) appearing it more important. It's the brain fooling yourself as well as what is a fact or a fair.

Things will get better, you can and deserve to be loved. As a human who feels regret is a human who improves.

Feel free to PM me.

-- Tue May 11, 2021 10:16 am --

lamosa wrote:... you perfectly deserve a great life and also a family with a daughter which I believe you would not hurt but love as every parent would love his or her child.

Now we had that out of the way, yes it's not good what you did, but the fact that you regret it only makes it more clear that this is not what you want ...

... It's more the fear of being so than being so. You know what the brain does? It makes thinking about something (like a fear) appearing it more important. It's the brain fooling yourself as well as what is a fact or a fear. ...



Sorry I made some typos and spelling mistakes.
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