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Am I suppressing my emotions?

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Am I suppressing my emotions?

Postby Elian1 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 6:11 pm

I think I might suppress my emotions. I looked it up some but I am still not sure.

I have a terrible memory of emotions.
I think I have bad emotional memory; or that is memory of emotion. When I am sad I feel like I have always been sad. When I am happy I feel as if I was always happy. I can’t remember very well how it is to feel certain things and I can’t imagine it too well either. For some reason I don’t think I’d be affected if a family member died. A lot of people say I am empathetic though.

I also was physically abused as A child until the age of 11 or so but I can not remember it. I have a good relationship with my dad now and I have lots of memories of him beating us but he does not appear in them. It’s odd. I asked about it here: topic217570.html

I think I emotionally injure myself.
I have an addiction to phonography. After I relapse I feel this heart broken feeling that hurts so bad. Well, I thought it hurt. Until like a year ago after it was so bad I could barely stand it. After that one time I suddenly realized I enjoyed it.

It stopped happening for a few months and I really really missed it. I would relapse and then just feel that normal feeling of heavy shoulders. It happened pretty intensely just recently though and I loved it. It was like finally feeling something. Even though my heart broke I felt so real.

I asked about these episodes on here: topic217571.html
I also have written a lot on them and these recent one were the result of a successful experiment I performed on myself. I called the phenomena PIO(periodical increase of oxytocin) and founded a science of it here: *mod edit*

I have rare and odd outbursts and cry randomly.
I only angrily outburst like 3 or so times. I would bite someone, shove, or throw something and leave. I also have recently had these two car drive home where I ranted very angrily.

I also feel terribly sad when my brother or sister criticize my perfectionism or uniqueness. That’s when I cry a lot. The only time I do cry. It’s a very interesting experience. Like my body is just randomly crying.

All these experiences feel like I am tapping into something so wonderfully powerful for the smallest amount of time.

I also have a strange alien form of humorous optimism I find within myself. I will throughout the day make jokes at myself and other things(even very very dark jokes). This will keep me joyful a lot of the time, but I also feel as though it may be dangerous. Whenever I make these iron and cynical jokes it seems to squeeze the emotion out.

I also might reason myself out of emotions. I was just thinking about how I would react to someone's harsh criticism. I would look at it very practically and apply it to myself in means to better my character. As I was thinking of this I caught myself saying, “I wouldn’t feel shame because it’s not practical.”

I find shame rarely in my life and forget it easily. I wrote about it here: topic217572.html

Sometimes I do feel something. A strong or weak physical emotion of heavy shoulders or dark clouds over my head. I never can label that feeling however.


Lastly, I do feel suicidal, yet I can't say I am depressed. I don't feel that sad. Life just feels meaningless and I don't have anything to fight for. I feel as though I am just surviving. I ask about it in more detail here: topic217654.html
Last edited by lilyfairy on Sat Oct 03, 2020 10:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Document link removed- anonymity concerns
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Re: Am I suppressing my emotions?

Postby CammieMe » Mon Oct 05, 2020 4:31 am

Maybe you haven't found something you are passionate about. Try exploring different things, like new hobbies, read a book, or try anything new that you'd find interesting. Donate to the less fortunate, so you'd feel fulfilled in a way because you did something good for others. I think there are a lot of opportunities out there to feel need and important. Find anything that will excite you and make you feel alive.
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Re: Am I suppressing my emotions?

Postby Elian1 » Tue Oct 06, 2020 3:37 pm

If anything I live too far away from my comfort zone. I'm afraid of being a person who never leaves their comfort zone and so I am constantly taking whatever chance I can to try different things.

I love creating things. I've made books, songs, videogames, youtubes, apps, art, films, other creative projects. I hate sports but I still explore them and try to get to like them. Whenever there is something that isn't impractical that I naturally wouldn't enjoy I jump at the chance for the experience.

Maybe I don't have passion. I feel like regular life is boring. Reality is boring. Which is why I am stuck in my head. I have like 400,000 words of the thoughts, stories, journaling, theories, etc. written out. I live in my head because it's way more interesting then boring reality.
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