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50% remorse, 50% blaming others

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50% remorse, 50% blaming others

Postby NeverHadAChance » Thu Aug 13, 2020 6:54 am

I feel remorse towards the people that I hurt, they should not hear any excuses from me. To them I feel nothing but remorse.

Trigger warning from here on - graphic ideas referenced

But what I don't understand is why others act like they have a moral high ground over me, and would shut me down like "now you're just making excuses!" If you look at the Duggar case on the Internet, there are hundreds of comments saying he should be tortured and murdered extrajudicially.

When talking to others, I feel my excuses are valid. When I was a teenager I tried to avoid talking about sex as much as possible, thinking it improper. I tried to keep it all to myself. But this was met with extreme prejudice, everyone kept mocking me mercilessly, calling me a prude, claiming I was a freak who didn't understand what reproductive organs were even for.

At the same time I was being abused relentlessly. It was like an episode of the Twilight Zone, I couldn't believe what was happening. My mother would draw knives on me and threaten me with murder-suicide since I was 5 years old, or she'd threaten to crash the car and kill us all if we upset her, and she'd hit the gas really hard and only relent at the last second rather than swerving into a wall.

To further this unbelievable Twilight Zone aspect of my life, I got a very severe autoimmune disease. I'd cry for help and the first few times my parents took me to the hospital, but the doctors were frankly abusive and claimed it was psychological (I was vindicated by getting partially diagnosed later on in life with a real physical condition). Afterwards my parents started punishing me when I told them I felt bad, and I needed help. Any fight with my father could escalate to the point where if I persisted, he'd start to threaten to murder me, and would lift objects like chairs and start swinging them in order to crush my head, stopping just short at the last second.

My disease was torturous, I felt like I was being crushed. My skull in particular, right behind my eyes, felt very wrong. My joints would get extremely painful. I couldn't lift my head up. But I was criticized for being "negative" and punished for seeking help. I went through my childhood pretending to be alright, putting up a fake smile while under excruciating pain, in order to appease my parents and avoid the escalation I described above.

My brother also caught on that I was weak so he decided to jump on the bandwagon and torture me too, mocking me 24 hours a day as we shared a room. If I told on him, my parents would blame me for "not loving my brother." If I persisted, things would escalate as I described before, with the potential for violence.

A teacher at school decided to hit me. In his entire career, I was the only one he hit. It was for a trivial reason that he hit me. I wrote my name in the right margin, while he claims he told us to write it in the left margin.

Other students at school kept putting me down 24/7 and the adults didn't seem to mind. I felt like the adults were almost enjoying it. Students got physical with me and would push me into gravel or kick me in the genitals.

Here's my point

My response to anyone judging me is: you would snap too if you were in my position. Am I wrong to think this? It's not thanks to you that you got sexual education. It's not thanks to you that your parents gave you dignity. I never got those things.

I think if you think you could live through what I've lived, and not snap and make a mistake, you'd have to be a liar.

This does not cancel my remorse towards anyone I hurt, but I've frankly had it with the general public being a peanut gallery and condemning people who did nothing to them personally. And I blame the people who abused me chronically, refusing to stop even when I begged. I think it is because of them that I went off the rails. So yes I blame others. Absolutely.

So now what? I have no idea. I'm stuck in this circle of remorse and blame. How can I ever settle this? I'm stuck and it's killing me.
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Re: 50% remorse, 50% blaming others

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Aug 13, 2020 7:33 pm

If you can find a therapist who specializes in severe, chronic childhood trauma, they are the mostly likely to be able to help you. The kinds of experiences you had will be heavy baggage that you carry with you until they are dealt with in therapy.

I don't know how much dissociation you have--it would be hard to survive such horrifically abusive experiences in childhood without significant dissociation, I think. But a therapist who has treated many people with similar issues is best qualified to help you. It can be expensive, but there are sometimes sliding scale fees, or partial coverage by insurance, and this is your life. You deserve to be able to have good, happy, healthy experiences.
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Re: 50% remorse, 50% blaming others

Postby NeverHadAChance » Fri Aug 14, 2020 7:35 am

Believe it or not, I'm able to forgive what others did to me, except for 1 thing: the part where I caused problems for other people because I was abused and dissociating.

The therapists I've tried speaking to weren't up to it at all intellectually. They kept escaping/forgetting my actual problem: that I hurt others and want to atone, and I already forgave the people who abused me, but it's because of that abuse that I harmed others.

I can't find any nuance in the world anymore. Everyone is either wishing the death penalty on you or saying simplistic things like "y u no forgive yourself?"

The world changed a lot. It's like a huge tabloid. If there's any path to redemption I can't see it.
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Re: 50% remorse, 50% blaming others

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Aug 15, 2020 6:51 pm

I read the descriptions of these supposedly awful things that you did, and from the outside, they don't seem very serious or harmful. It sounds like the ideas in your mind and your concern about how much worse they could have become, but didn't (which is very important), have caused you much more grief than you caused to any outside person.

I think that you focusing on the "harm" that you caused others is actually a way of avoiding all the pain you would have to deal with by focusing on what was done to you. There are likely dissociated parts of you who are still suffering terribly from that, and need help, but aren't getting it because you're convinced that you have "forgiven" your abusers and can just move on with your life.

I'm sorry if this is harsh or blunt. I think that it's possible to find a therapist who can help you, but you might need to be willing to stop obsessing about having hurt people in the past. If you truly feel like it's because of the abuse that you did things that you feel were harmful, then the blame does lie with your abusers. But it's not really about who gets blamed, it's about moving on from here. It's about how you want the rest of your life to be.
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Re: 50% remorse, 50% blaming others

Postby NeverHadAChance » Sun Aug 16, 2020 10:15 am

It's unfortunately much worse than "what could've happened." It's "would've." I was an out-of-control animal. I went as far as sexually assaulting someone. It's the shame and disgrace of my life.

My mind just turned to mush from all the wrong information, psychological abuse and crippling autoimmune disease. I lost all impulse control like a rabid dog.

I have no doubt I only narrowly escaped being a child rapist, and only due to luck. On some level I thought I was protected by my base assumptions, thinking like "I think they told me these thoughts were good, they mocked me whenever I avoided them, so I guess I should try this direction." I pursued the thoughts to see where they might lead. There was gratification, but part of it was also being uncontrollably drawn to good physical feelings because I spent most days in pain and I felt relief might also be in that direction.

So the reason I'm focusing on the harm is because I am actually guilty and I'm ashamed, and I'll never not be the person who sank so low. I'm so ashamed.

I'm not ignoring your advice to see a therapist and I'm working on it. I can't find a skilled one, most are just hoping for easy cases and the ones I've seen would not go deeper than that.

It's all just ruin around me and I can't find any way forward. What I can't process is how it all happened. I never had intentions like "I know this will hurt that person but I don't care" yet I was about to become a rapist. I can't process how easy it was for me to go down that path without even realizing at the time how bad it was.
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Re: 50% remorse, 50% blaming others

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Aug 16, 2020 4:59 pm

This is a good place to look:
https://isstd.connectedcommunity.org/ne ... ofessional

Just make sure they've worked with people with extensive childhood trauma and have experience with dissociative disorders.

People who survive early abuse by being able to dissociate often internalize their abusers as a way of protecting themselves (kind of "I'll hurt myself worse, so it doesn't bother me as much when someone else hurts me"), and it's very possible that a dissociated "abuser-mimicker" part of you took over at that time.

That doesn't excuse the whole you from responsibility, of course, but it might help you see that the impulse only resides within a dissociated part of you--it doesn't define you as a person, and most of you is NOT the "person who sank so low." It bodes well, I think, that you are able to have some compassion for that part, and to understand that it was pain and the promise of relief that drove them in that direction.

Fortunately, you did not end up seriously harming someone, and you have a lot of insight into the possible motivations and causes of what happened.

The right therapist will be someone who welcomes complexity, and who is committed, compassionate, and very caring. I have someone like that, and you can find one also.
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Re: 50% remorse, 50% blaming others

Postby NeverHadAChance » Mon Aug 17, 2020 11:54 am

It's true that I was dissociating regularly, and I did try to imitate abusers but not unconsciously, rather I was punished every time I tried to act reasonably. I thought they were teaching me a lesson, and in the end I accepted that lesson, that my idea of good behavior was wrong and "weak" and caused me to get abused. I was just seen as weak and pathetic because of my high empathy and people seemed to take pleasure in hurting me mentally or physically. So in the end I got the message, that my "weak" behavior was pathetic and wrong, and I had to be more aggressive, otherwise it's my fault if I get abused.

I could not for the life of me figure out how I was supposed to act. No matter what people found some reason to humiliate me. There's only so many times you can get called "prude" and "weak" and "pathetic" and have people trip you and bloody you, kick you in the genitals "jokingly," and then go home and have your mom mess with you and then threaten to murder you if you try and stand up for yourself, followed by going back to a shared room with a brother whose mission in life was to torment you until you got on your knees and begged, at which point he'd repeat your begging in a mocking voice. "pLeAsE" And I could still maybe deal with all that, but then there's that crippling illness where your body feels like it's being crushed and your head is so heavy you can't think anymore and you're allergic to everything and can't digest normal food. Then dad comes home and you say you're feeling unwell, and he gets annoyed because the doctor said it was nothing, so you're supposed to go away or else. So you go away because if you piss him off, he may just threaten to murder you. Apparently all this was my fault for being weak. Then it's time for sex education at school: "masturbation is great and you all should do it. OK that's it, bye." Couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't get help, couldn't sit alone. Always "out in the open" and never in a private place where you could even just sit or sleep.

One thing I tried was to do to others what people were doing to me. For example, everyone found it amusing if I got kicked in the genitals. After a certain point I did it to someone else, and I was punished for it and everyone was aghast. I couldn't for the life of me understand that double standard. It'd been done to me a dozen times without anyone getting punished, suddenly it's wrong if I do it? Suddenly everyone became sober and told me I had to apologize. It was reported to his parents and it almost became a scandal. Meanwhile for months prior people were regularly doing it to me and adults turned a blind eye. Was I in the Twilight Zone?

It's all just such a rollercoaster, alternating between some normal days and then sheer terror. Even with all of the above I just needed a single adult to guide me and I'd have turned out alright. But nobody was there who wasn't only interested in their own agenda.

When people picture a criminal, they take for granted some base assumptions. They imagine an able bodied person, who when he tries to breathe, it actually works, and he's just an evil schemer who abuses deliberately and knowingly.

@TheGangsAllHere I'm trying my best to find a therapist so I can work on these things. Thanks so much for your insight.
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