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I’ve Been Holding This In For A While

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I’ve Been Holding This In For A While

Postby weakstorm » Tue Jul 14, 2020 11:48 am

Trigger warning. Please be advised.

I have a faint + fragmented memory of being interacted with, in a sexual way, at 3-5. In flashbacks, I sometimes hear my oldest brother (8 year difference) calling me up to his room. I see/hear him asking me to lie down on his bed, him on top of me, asking me if it hurts (can’t remember if either of us were clothed). I don’t even think there was penetration. Someone I opened up to some months ago, said it would have seriously hurt if ‘it’ happened, so, maybe not. I just know that I told my brother it did hurt because I didn’t want whatever was happening. All I remember next, is making my way to the toilet, directly outside his room (he has since moved out).

Idk if this happened other times. I remember him once making a comment to my middle brother about my chest area&complimenting it,(when I was quite young) but my middle brother cringed at him. I remember one day after school, I think around 8-10 years old, I came home&wrote on a piece of paper “Why did you rape me”, then ripped it up&threw it in the bin. It’s always been something I brushed over, but early this year, I had a conversation online with someone who told me that those ‘fuzzy images’ in my mind, may actually be memories.

I think it was some time after the above, when I played ‘Doctor’ with a friend. I can only recall one time where we...humped, me on top, him sans trousers, as I was in a dress (I think), rubbing our bodies. My middle brother walked in to the room&we sprung apart, standing on the bed. I think I tried to stop my brother telling, but he ran downstairs shouting&told my mother. I just hope that the family friend doesn’t have some kind of complex PTSD, or other psychological issues, because of that. Middle brother told my aunt when we went to visit her, soon after. Both brothers actually told my aunt how I would watch ‘naughty channels’ on TV. They made me find the channel, in front of her&my uncle, to show them. I remember feeling weird, but not thinking deeply about it.

When I confronted my mother about ^^^ some months ago&asked her why she beat me that night, instead of trying to have a conversation about it. Her answer was that it was because I was 5, a year or 2 older than him&I was naughty. I’ve just being feeling more shame since then. It genuinely sickens me that I interacted with another person that way, at that age. During my beating, after he left with his mother, as well as another family friend that had left, my oldest brother came to stop my mother from continuing to hit me. That was just something that was never done. I’m not sure if this was out of guilt for possibly getting me into ‘it’, or he was just protecting me. Side note: in my culture, physical punishment is the norm. I don’t have the most comfortable relationship with my mother, but I still appreciate all she’s done. When I told her that I remember him being the one to initiate it, she kept silent. I have one memory of him coming around the corner of the stairs, peering into the living room and telling me to come play - in front of the adults. I think I felt embarrassed but got up&followed anyway.

Around 8, I had a neighbour I went to school with. She moved to my new school after I moved (idk why). I wasn’t best buds with her, she didn’t have many friends actually, but we’d always take the same journey to school&I’d see her around. One day we were in her bed, just talking&she commented on a boy in our year that many were infatuated with. No clue how it even got to this, I told her I went out with him, or that I was, idk. Complete bull btw. Somewhere in that conversation she asked what we do/did together.

I remember thinking, what? I told her I didn’t want to show her&I genuinely remember feeling off about it, but she kept prodding&said that if I was her friend I would, that if I cared about her - I would. I remember that very specifically, because I’ve always been wary of people that do similar, (use a relationship/past favour to guilt me into something). I actually humped her leg. Both of us clothed, under her duvet. I remember her asking part way if I was done&I think I said no&carried on till I was. After, I felt so guilty&disgusted&her mother had just come home. I literally said bye&ran out of her place - straight home. Never telling a soul...till some time a year ago, to a childhood friend. Until recently, despite us maintaining a calm-sometimes-friendly-sometimes-civil friendship&even having a similar social circle back in school, I still felt a bit of anger towards her, even though it was my fault. I should’ve stood firm by saying no.

The last incident, happened some years ago, with a younger cousin (5 year age difference). Not sure how old I was&I keep trying to place it, because occasionally, I’ll feel this overwhelming sense of shame&I get these thoughts that I don’t deserve my life. I try to remember my age, I just know that I was younger than 15, because it was before my year 11 exams, when I was 15, possibly 14 (at my aunt’s old house, before she moved in 2016). I‘ve sat in my room&cried to the point of feeling physically sick&tired, just because of how disgusted I am. I’ve had fleeting thoughts of suicide, but never really considered it. I’ve wondered how I’d do it, but put the thought out of my head. What I remember is that I was napping midday. My cousin started kissing my hand&arm. Me being the weirdo I am, waited till she left, then ran downstairs to her mother cooking in the kitchen&told her what happened. I can’t remember what she said, but I went back upstairs to sleep. I was woken up by someone kissing my hand again&moving on top of me. I think I pushed her off that day, and told her mum again. Idk if this is the same day, but I remember us taking a shower together&we were playing a game, laughing&joking around where we’d rub vertically over each other my back to her front&vice-versa. There was never any actual touching each other with hands or anything, just our bodies - not that it makes matters lighter. I think after, we went to the room&carried on the same game, both laughing at the same time. At one point she said stop&I immediately got off&stopped - we were both still laughing, still messing about.

Idk if this was the same day, but I remember finding a video of her using a pen to masturbate, in recently deleted, on her iPad. I actually got a bit aroused from it&...I went to the privacy of my room at my aunts&humped a pillow. Even writing this I feel so disgusted with myself. I just can’t believe that I am the same person that did that, that actually played such a careless game. I know I’m only 18&I was just 14/15 back then, maybe 16 - I pray not though, but I seriously feel like a whole other person. I would never, not ever, do that again&I feel so bad for it even being in my past, because it’s not me. I don’t even get how my hormones/brain led me to do that, because in this moment I know I’d never do that again. I tried to not feel bad because she’s adopted, but that’s even worse because she’s still real family. I ended up showing her parents the video, along with her history on YT, it was videos for men in ‘scandalous‘ positions, no clue how I found that. I remember seeing on her iPad that she’d been going on chat rooms, on games&asking for sex, for a boyfriend. I think I told her that, if she didn’t admit that she did it, I’d show her parents. I think that night, we were all in the living room, her parents, her&I, with my aunt asking my cousin about what I’d showed. &if my cousin was “gyrating” on me. I had no clue what she meant&she explained. Didn’t get why she used a ‘big’ word though. In my panicked&scared state, I admitted that, yeah, she was moving on me. My cousin was crying behind me&I was so scared&felt so bad. My aunt then asked if I did the same to her - panicked, freaked out&scared, I said no. I don’t know why I didn’t admit it. I don’t know why I was so scared. She then told me she kept a camera in that room, I panicked even more - don’t know if I just went silent or my eyes did the talking. To this day, I don’t know if my aunt believed me or not. I feel so bad&shameful writing this.

The next morning, I remember my aunt trying to talk to my cousin while my uncle was there. I was sitting on the opposite side of the room. My aunt asked my cousin where she copied the behaviour from. My uncle made a comment that my cousin had done something similar before with a kid in school. I remember my aunt looking at me&saying it’s okay anyway, as long as she (cousin) doesn’t copy the men. She brought up that I had watched something similar when I was younger &I didn’t copy them (probably in an attempt to make my cousin feel better). She said this knowing I did, because my brother told her what happened between me&the old family friend when we were younger. Scared about where I ‘copied’ it from, because I don’t ever remember seeing anything sexually related at 5. I think I barely managed a nod. I think I was stunned into not speaking. She just blurted out this thing that was supposed to be a secret. Idk why I can’t place this in my memory properly, but I think after, I went to my cousin’s room to try apologise. I also told her what she did is normal&all people do it. In my mind I thought I was making that up, but I remember cleaning her mum’s bedroom&finding what they talked about in school (intimacy toy) way before - weeks maybe. After, everything went back to normal. My cousin was back to being my annoying ‘sibling’, we still had good times biking, swimming, going to parks, taking walks. I still visited my aunts, we still took trips together, went shopping etc. We never talked about what happened. Everything was absolutely fine&still is to this day, but my shame has led to me distancing myself. Also I’m not on good terms with my aunt, for other reasons (tried to pressure me into having a relationship with a serious level evangelical father who abused my mother through their entire marriage, told me lies about her through childhood&has tried to blackmail me with money). Also, some years after, no clue how long, my aunt once said to me she was thinking about getting my cousin therapy because she was quiet. I told her she could, then added ‘but I don’t know’ because I was scared about me going to prison or something for what we did when I was younger. I most certainly didn’t tell her not to, but that has been on my conscience as well&I feel even worse. My cousin&I were still friends then&she wasn’t that cool with her parents because 1. Her mother got us to keep stealing her father’s phone to reading his texts (he was having an affair) 2. Her mother was prone to calling her name’s very easily&it made her angry - a lot &3. She just didn’t like them much at that age, but I couldn’t say any of that...

Some time last year, I told someone who I no longer consider a best friend, but a childhood friend, about everything that happened (I think we nearly even did something as kids, but I can’t be sure, so I kept it quiet - so, more guilt). We’d taken a long walk sharing our regrettable experiences. I told her how I felt like a rapist&molester to my cousin&the family friend, who was actually her deceased brother’s classmate. After I told her that, I believed the words even more&have felt pure shame ever since. I felt like the most disgusting teenager on the planet. My past doesn’t match up with the good person I thought I was. I also told her how I’d never, ever, looked at a child in a sexual manner, never been aroused in that way. Writing this now, I’m thinking about how the video my cousin made actually had me feel something, but today it just disgusts me that it did. I was never even attracted to her - ever, so I seriously don’t understand that. My childhood friend told me that one of her incidents involved the same girl that I had an awkward time with. She went on to tell me how these awkward stages of childhood are normal, how it’s not uncommon. That didn’t stop me from feeling like a very weird, very ugly freak of nature&rare occurrence. I can’t even tell my mother about the incident with my neighbour, or cousin. The fact that she was shocked at 5 year old me, would probably mean she’d disown older me. I’m scared to drink or have to have surgery some time in my life, because I don’t want to say what I’ve done while under some influence.

Then some months ago, after some comments she made while on the phone, I asked if she believed me about my brother, mid-conversation. She responded that she didn’t actually think it happened, because I seemed fine, because when people go through things like that, they’re not usually fine. I say this entirely as a figure of speech, but that killed me. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I broke down crying about it to my mum a couple years ago, and even she believed me immediately. My best friend, did not. Additionally, she told me that the reason o find older men attractive (&I mean older) is because I’m scared about looking at guys our age (18 - 19 in a couple days, because of the guilt with the old family friend). In truth, I’m drawn to universal features of beauty (although on slightly aged faces&the wisdom&calmness that admittedly, very few of them possess. That’s why I’m attracted to them. It’s hard to have enlightening&genuine conversations with people my age, that’s why I’m not attracted to many. &this isn’t even in the sexual sense, just the appeal of character or appreciation of looks. I’ve never actually looked at someone&thought that I wanted to have sex with them. Overall, I feel like a sucky human, with a sucky past. I know that’s not me. Not now anyway. I’ve never even been a ‘bad behaving kid’. I always helped teachers&students, always stuck around cleaning the school library, helped out in lessons, took part in community projects. I do good, but I feel like my past has tainted me, forever. I do plan to eventually seek therapy, but I want to find the right person. I don’t want to open up to someone&have them confirm my worst fears, seeing me as the terrible choices that in my life, I succumbed to, more than once.

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you. I do apologise for the length&any parts that led to viewers feeling disgusted. I know. I did some horrible things as a kid. Any advice is welcome. Please refrain from hurtful comments. I may have hardened my heart but I’m all sensitive&gooey inside.
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Re: I’ve Been Holding This In For A While

Postby sprock » Tue Jul 14, 2020 3:56 pm

Thank you for posting. Reading your post from start to finish I felt it was brave for you to write all that. I strongly feel you have been far, far, far more of a victim than a victimiser. Indeed, any of your behaviour seemed to me like childhood experimentation compared to some of the abuse you experienced. I suspect that your "dirty" and "tainted" feelings come from this and that you are internalising unfairly labels that might be applied to your older brother but not to yourself. Please try to be kinder to yourself. I definitely think that the right therapist could benefit you :)
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