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Very guilty about childhood event

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Very guilty about childhood event

Postby stevenUniverse45 » Wed Jul 01, 2020 10:01 pm

I have been a lurker here for a few years and was surprised to find that people felt guilty about the same things as me. I would of been about 10 - 11 and my brother would of been about 8-9. I should probably start by mentioning I myself was abused at a very young age. It was physical not sexual, but it still f###ed me and how I treated other people up. Although this is not an excuse to hurt anyone ever.

I don't know why I did it. I think it was partly curiosity and partly excitement. It only happened 2 times, but I went in and I tried to put my penis in his mouth. I don't know if I managed to. I hope I didn't but I think I was able to slightly. I feel completely horrible about this and don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I deserved the abuse I myself suffered and that I have no right to complain about it or face my own abuser. He doesn't know and I know that if I don't tell him it will have no effect on his life at all. So I don't think I can tell him because then I am just begging for forgiveness to make myself feel better, without taking into account the damage telling him might do. I don't know what to do I have thought about killing myself. But I'm not going to do it because I know that will just be another wrong committed against him and my family. Even ignoring this I was a #### to him growing up and he forgave me. We get on now though really well and I love him but I hate myself for the way I've treated him. What triggered this off recently is a news story about Adam Savage being accused of rape by his sister. I feel I am no better than him and deserve just as much hate and punishment. I know my brother would probably forgive me because that's what he's like. He's so much better then me.
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Re: Very guilty about childhood event

Postby Ixion » Mon Jul 06, 2020 8:34 pm

Hi,

It sounds like you've been going through this a lot and it has caused you a lot of pain, as you've probably seen by reading this board, a lot of people post here for similar reasons. I hope recognising that you're not alone helps a little bit?

There are a few things I'd like to say that I hope will help. The first is please do your best to put thoughts of suicide out of your head. I know what it's like with remorse like this, it feels huge and unending, but nobody deserves to die for things they did as children.

Which is the second thing, try and remember that most countries classify people under 18-21 as minors for a reason. At 10-11 your brain is literally not finished growing. There are places in the world where people of that age aren't deemed capable of understanding crime enough to be criminally responsible. You did these things, but it's important to accept that it wasn't you today, but a younger you who did not have an adult's self control or judgement.

It sounds like you've grown up in to someone who understands that this was wrong and why, your remorse has done its job. I think you're right that if your brother is unaware this happened, telling him will only risk hurting a relationship that is currently doing okay. It's right to recognise what you did was wrong, but not okay to hurt people further just for your own sense of closure.

I don't know if this will help you in the short term, but the best advice I can give you is to keep living and do your best to put some good in to the world. You might not feel like it at first, the remorse will probably last a long time. I'm not sure the brain ever really "gets over it". But if you try and use your remorse to fuel something productive, or something that helps others, it can help balance out the guilt and fuel your brain with something other than shame. Little by little, the painfulness will soften, trust me.

I hope you feel better soon.
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