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How should I feel about what happened

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How should I feel about what happened

Postby anonymousGuest050720 » Thu May 07, 2020 10:42 am

Disclaimer: the following experience may be graphic I apologize if it disturbs anyone.

First I have two older sisters one 6 years older than me and the other 7. Both sisters and I used to and still do argue a lot as I'm sure most siblings do, however the younger of the two and I have fought pretty rough physically as long as I can remember although we get along other times really well too. Still it could get pretty violent, she has tried to strangle me as a child before and has tried to stab me multiple times and I used to fight back using whatever large object I could pick up although I don't anymore since I'm a lot bigger than her now.

Anyway when I was 8 and the younger of the two was 14, we used to role-play cops and robbers sorta but I was a precocious kid and I remember at the time going through a faze where I had a morbid interest in sex. In the end we ended up a couple of times hiding in her room and stripping naked and touching each other's private parts and even touched them together I believe (although no penetration was ever made though). Later I ended up stumbling onto a porn stash when I was about 11 and it's been a problem for me since. I went to a social worker for the porn and also told him about the issue with my sister but I left out some details when I did, in the end he said it didn't sound like abuse and that it was a common thing that happens between kids.

But I've always had doubts and guilt about the experience and I don't know how I should feel about it. Was it nothing, just two kids being bad in the absence of supervision? Or was this abuse, and if so (this may sound absurd to some but) was I the abuser since I'm male. I believe I initiated contact on at least one occasion. I also know I used to barge into people's rooms without knocking back then and I remember at least on one of the incidents that the touching occurred, I barged in on my sister when she was touching herself after an erotic dream and kinda kept asking her what she was doing until she included me (although I don't remember if it was the first incident).

Also throughout my junior and senior high school years I acted inappropriate to many of my friends and acquaintances especially the girl. I tried to be a good person but I often found myself making inappropriate comments and jokes about my friends and would even run by and spank girls with my notebooks and stuff, I was often groped myself by people so I rationalized it as normal but it would always bother me later how I acted. Since I've become an adult I've mostly kept my words and hands to myself but on one occasion while brooding over the previous experience I groped the older of my two sister's chest and privates in her sleep and spied on her for a few weeks with my phone camera while she changed every morning. I have since come clean to her and apologized but I still feel like a criminal, I haven't really had anything to do with people since because part of me still distrusts my own ability to keep me hands to myself what should I do? Help and thanks.
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Re: How should I feel about what happened

Postby sprock » Mon May 11, 2020 5:01 pm

I think you should not regard yourself as the abuser when you were 8 just on the grounds you were male. Ultimately a 14-year-old is significantly more developed than an 8-year-old and there is over 5 years age difference there. I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to suspect that this experience might have had an impact upon you ultimately, though you also need to take responsibility for the actions you have perpetrated as an adult. It is to your credit that you have apologied for these. I don't know if there would be a means for you and your sisters to talk through more of this in a safe space. I do not know who would adjudicate/ coordinate such a session however.
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