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regret and guilt over stuff ive done

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regret and guilt over stuff ive done

Postby helpfulteacup » Fri May 01, 2020 9:58 am

I was told to condense my post as it was too long so I will try do that:

I am basically feeling remorse over a lot of stuff to do with getting off to images/stories and other media of drawn characters depicting underage characters up to being babies in diapers.

It has happened for a few years until quite recently where I looked back and had a breakdown over it, but then ended up still doing it again, which has led to me having a second breakdown.

I am not attracted to children and don't go out of my way to find the stuff but I have gone back to find stuff I have gotten off too before and didn't always add filters to stop myself finding said content, and despite knowing how young the characters were and that it was wrong, still got off to it. I also searched stuff that would imply underage like characters from children's shows or the shows themselves or topics like family/sister/school/etc, and in interactive stories would choose options that would lead me to underage stuff too. Also sometimes stuff would warn you underage content is illegal and something has it and id still get off to it which is awful when they're so young and I am an adult. I would also sometimes feel gross over it especially when it was stories or images of babies but I would still get off to it even as an adult which is disgusting and maybe a sign of a porn addiction to various fetish material.

I am also guilty about stuff I did as a kid with the main thing being tricking my 7/8 year younger cousin into sitting on my face/body as I liked facesitting, which I did many many times by moving myself down on a sofa so they would be more likely to sit on my face and sometimes placing cushions on myself. The last time I did it I must have been 16/17 and was knocking them over on my bed while I was under the cover to get them to fall on my face.

I also fear I have seen real child porn as I went onto PornHub and found a video that had Japanese schoolgirls in and while I couldn't tell their age it looked like they were young/childlike and they acted as such but I'll never know for sure and just be scared there's a high chance they were small children and when I went back to check twice in a row I ended up staring at them inappropriately many times which is awful (checking stuff like this is something I ended up commonly doing). I also used to go on 4chan in the knowledge it contained awful stuff including child porn and I wasn't on it for that purpose but still saw it and thought the site was cool for being so bad, and I think I participated in stuff like posts where people would leak other people's nudes when people commented, which is awful. I also think some of the stuff I saw was of really young children up to babies which is awful.

Aside from these I also have remorse as I played a children's game and on it sometimes said stuff that was inappropriate on games. Also until 16/17 I would do erotic roleplay on it which is gross as the other people would have been far far younger than me, and I would emote at people gross stuff to see if they're interested like looking up their skirt and go through servers finding characters dressed feminine or that had no clothes to do this and it's so gross thinking of it now. Especially as their typing indicated they were far younger than me and how people would say 'ew' or 'gross' or I would annoy them until they would step on my tiny character, etc, which I would also find erotic. I would also go on 'sex' games as I thought they were funny and think I must have ran a 'sex script' on people before to make it look like we're having sex which probably weirded many people out which is awful. I also once coded a gun that turned people into seats and sat on them, and masturbated when they sat on me, as I was into facesitting and other related stuff. I think I was about 17 at the time and not 18 when that happened, and that's also really gross as they're children and unaware of what's going on. I also would do the same thing and lay on a seat on a game on the children's game and hope people would sit on me. I am unsure how old I was, probably 16/17 but possibly 18 although I doubt it, and I would do the same thing of searching for servers with female characters I thought were hot (despite them being characters on a children's game) and if I got sat on, masturbate. Aside from this there's also the topic of messing with children on the game up to 19 which is effectively 'trolling' and the period of time id use the term 'kys' which is awful now (I used to say it jokingly to a real life guy who I knew when I was 16/17 who had depression, constantly until he told me to stop and that it wasn't a good idea and I felt really bad as I didn't mean it like that as he'd always respond with ###$ you or ###$ off and I thought it was just a joke).

I am also scared as on online messengers where people could talk about the children's game, people would sometimes say sexual stuff and I am scared I said stuff like '###$ me yourself you coward' or 'if you insist' in response to stuff like someone saying '###$ you/me'. Also certain people's posts aroused me despite being from a child and I didn't want to get aroused which distressed me further. This stuff is also more long-term and recently happening.

I also keep struggling with intrusive thoughts and imagery which I think is POCD and I am scared as whenever I do sexual stuff I sometimes end up focusing on these or other stuff around me like children shouting/playing and just continue anyway.

Also when the Snapchat leak happened, I tried finding the full unfiltered set of leaked images despite it being warned it would contain underage images and I fear I wanted to find stuff like classmates nudes which is awful. I never found the unfiltered set of images which is good, but it scares me I tried finding it with great effort.

I also regret getting into voyeur and watching videos that could have had children in or hidden camera websites.

There is some other stuff but I don't think it's worth mentioning as it's generally quite small and silly. Any other stuff of similar nature isn't worth mentioning if I have to condense it the post I guess as this gives you an idea of what stuff I did anyway.

I am also struggling with body responses to this stuff like getting erections/twitches/butt clenching that moves my groin from even non sexual thoughts about children or from remembering things I regret and end up focusing on them when trying to remember stuff.

Also I keep finding myself looking at people inappropriately especially children and when I looked up Japanese schoolgirls when I was trying to figure out the age of the people in the video, this happened too and made me feel worse.

I have been trying to stop watching porn to not make the same mistakes, I am not sexually attracted to children and I am very sure of this, and I really don't want to go to jail. What should I do? Is it okay to forgive myself for such recent things? I really want to move on and stop feeling awful, and maybe talk to a therapist but leave out anything relating to the pornography that could land me in jail. I didn't learn my lesson last time which was also fairly recently but I am going to stop watching porn to try distance myself from it.
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Re: regret and guilt over stuff ive done

Postby sprock » Mon May 11, 2020 5:09 pm

While I think to a certain extent you can draw a mental line between when you did at 16/17 and thus still technically a child and yourself now over 18 and an adult, it does sound like you still have some things to work through. I do believe that therapy would help in your situation and maybe you could look into websites, communities or charities that help with porn addiction.

If you are in the UK, I'd recommend emailing or phoning 'Stop it Now':
https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/

The people there are trained to deal with your kind of situation and will not be freaked out or horrified by anything you say, even while they will also call out inappropriate behavour. I think you can really balance accountability with self-compassion :)

There is, of course, also the likes of the 'nofap' forum, though I do think they risk obsessional qualities themselves. But I think a like-minded community could really help you. Thanks for posting.
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Re: regret and guilt over stuff ive done

Postby helpfulteacup » Tue May 12, 2020 2:30 am

I am still shaky and scared over talking about it to people and thus have just been using the internet to try get help so far. I don't feel an urge to masturbate to inappropriate material but I guess having an addiction to porn in general would make sense.

Thanks for the reply, for now I am going to try carrying on with avoiding pornography. I have been feeling better recently in controlling my thoughts and reactions to them and hopefully I can work through this over time, although if I will still consider therapy depending on how I feel in the next few coming weeks while at home.
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Re: regret and guilt over stuff ive done

Postby JackDoe » Wed Jun 17, 2020 12:53 am

I mean people do plenty of wierd things at a young age. but the fact that you regret it as an adult proves that you're not like that at all.
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