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I abused my little brother

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I abused my little brother

Postby tryingtoforget17 » Wed Apr 15, 2020 6:22 am

This happened when he was 4 I believe and I was 11. We are 7 years apart. Before the incident I’ve been exploring sex , I watched lesbian porn on my DS and then some on my iPod , it started small with YouTube but I then found many websites on my iPod and on my families desktop computer, that’s all I remember. I remember I would watch it and start to touch myself never with my hands at first usually with a deodorant with a dome-like cap. I don’t remember when it happened but I think my brother would show me his butt and I would play with him like “ew it smells” and then I would say “don’t do it again” knowing that he would. And then it was his weenie , that’s what we called it . I would do the same thing playing around with him , and I remember saying “oh no don’t put it in my mouth” and then he would come running and well , do just what I said not to do. I believe this only happened once but I don’t know , maybe it happened more times.
Another thing that I think happened before this incident was how at church I would make out with this girl , I remember she came on to me but I didn’t stop her , we were both young she was younger than me and this happened while adult church activities were going , we would play in the back or in a room of a prayer meeting happening at someone’s house. It was the two of us , we would play house and kiss eachother often like we were boyfriend and girl friend. I liked being the boyfriend, the furthest thing that happened sexually with her was seeing her nipples. I don’t remember when I stopped seeing her , but her and her mom stopped coming too church activities and I forgot about it.
Now a days I fear they’ll come back and visit and I think she remembers, it’s so weird I remember feeing so grown yet I was so young.
Anyways, after the incident with my brother, I never even thought of it again. I never felt attracted to kids , never did anything like that again.
When I was 16 maybe, I started to realize that I had abused him , I felt horrible guilt , I would always tell myself that he doesn’t remember it I fear that he does and as he gets older how that will affect our relationship. I love him so much he’s my brother duh , I can’t believe that happened back in the day and I regret more than anything in my life EVER. I wish I didn’t feel this way , I know I’m not a monster but this is my brother my beautiful little brother and I hope I didn’t mess him up , I really hope I didn’t.
Also I’m religious and although I have sexual urges for guys ,( I am straight even tho that thing with that girl happened) I am saving myself for marriage. I had a boyfriend once lasted for two months , the only things we did were make out , hickies , and I would give him a blowjob. He would rub me , but I never got fingered and I don’t finger myself. I do rub myself though and watch porn, some nights more than others. I feel guilty sexually as well because of my religion.
Overall I’m a normal girl , I go to college and stuff and to be honest i don’t think about the thing that happened with my brother often. It didn’t even trigger to me when I have head to my boyfriend.
I guess I’m always busy and my mind focuses on other things , but in this quarantine I’ve gotten closer to my family and my brother as well , we have always shared a room. Our relationship is pretty normal sibling wise , I’m just scared and in these times on isolation it’s hard to bring my mind to other things.
I know that I was a kid too , and I don’t blame her , but knowing what I know now about child sexual abuse I feel dirty and disgusted with myself for having done what I did.
Also my family is so beautiful, so so beautiful. We love eachother so much and have such a close relationship with God , I feel like I’ll ruin everything we have if I tell this to anyone. I have never expressed myself like this before , but I was watching a movie and it triggered me.
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Re: I abused my little brother

Postby Snaga » Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:14 pm

Hello and welcome!

I've moved your post from where you had it, to here, Remorse... the other forum is for the other side of the problem, so to speak.

I think... you need to forgive yourself, and try to put this all behind you. I don't see anything that I'd call sinister, seriously. At eleven, you sort of know better, but you're still navigating new things, new hormones that are getting ready to start kicking in, etc. By 16, I'd expect you to know better, and you did.

Kids... are going to do things. I think it's probably pretty common, and the majority of it I don't myself ascribe any overt power disparity to, force, or anything like that. We grow up, and put those things behind us, for the most part.

I appreciate your remorse, but I think the best thing really would be to put it behind you. What happened before/in adolescence, I think can stay there, in this case. You were... a child yourself, you're not the person you are now. I've done things as I kid I wish I could undo, but I can't. So I move on. I don't do those things now, I'm not a child.

Please try to not be so hard on yourself.
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Re: I abused my little brother

Postby jaus tail » Fri Apr 17, 2020 5:33 am

many siblings indulge in such behavior. its quite common. i dont think you've ruined someone's life.
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Re: I abused my little brother

Postby Snaga » Fri Apr 17, 2020 7:56 pm

jaus tail wrote:many siblings indulge in such behavior. its quite common. i dont think you've ruined someone's life.


Exactly. I wager it happens a LOT. For me, it was extended family, and happened to be all around the same age but kids are gonna explore. They do it with whoever is handy- friends, siblings, etc, and I think for most of us it comes down to opportunity, curiosity, and what is actually rather innocent titillation, because you're not thinking at the time, any deep moral questions. You don't yet have the capacity for it. That's why it pains me to read stories like this, when the adult person is beating themselves up for things they actually lacked the capacity to understand, when they done the childhood sexual exploration. You were playing with only half a deck of cards.

Mind you, if I'd been your parent and caught you doing it, we'd have had a little sit down with Mommy and Daddy and explain that young ladies don't behave that way, but I wouldn't have been even surprised, much less horrified. Just be like, "baby girl, we don't do things like that, okay? Not in trouble this time, but let's not do that again".

I mean, it's the same category as telling a child they can't touch themselves around others I'd treat it as a matter of needing to start behaving like a young lady (or young man), until I see evidence of something unhealthy going on with it, such are the drive to do things like that, stronger than my parental suggestion not to.

tryingtoforget17 wrote:Also my family is so beautiful, so so beautiful. We love eachother so much and have such a close relationship with God , I feel like I’ll ruin everything we have if I tell this to anyone.


And that's why you don't say a word about this, outside this forum. Think of childhood sexual exploration, as Las Vegas. What happens there, stays there.

The age you were, and the fact that it doesn't sound as if you were threatening, or forced anything, is enough for me. So let it go. I've done stuff with extended family as kids, and I assure you I have absolutely no worries, nor do I blame anyone for anything, kids will explore.

You were doubtlessly titillated, but I take the view that until you get old enough to be able to moderate your impulses, then kids are gonna do lite sexual experimentation. The only time I look askance, is if there is obvious coercion or threats going on. The age difference isn't quite as problematical, considering I still consider 11 to be very immature. By 16, you were tore up over it. As I would expect, five years down the road. If it'd been 16 and 9, I would have been a bit more concerned. But you weren't and I'm not.

I'm not trying to trivialise it, or make it sound as if you're being silly. But I do think you're making far more out of this, than you need to. You know you're not going to do anything now with a kid- and you were yourself very young. If you and brother have a good relationship now, then that's proof of no harm done. Try to let this go, sweetie.
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