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Confessing my misdeeds

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Confessing my misdeeds

Postby guest923 » Sun Apr 05, 2020 9:11 pm

Hi,

I'm a man around 30 and I'd like to confess some terrible misdeeds I've done. I used to keep these memories supressed but lately they've been on my mind almost all the time and it feels like I've thrown away my future. I'm in despair and I can't imagine ever being able to feel ok with myself and around others in life.

Some background, I was traumatized in childhood, diagnosed with C-PTSD and Depersonalisation/Derealisation. One type of abuse was covert sexual abuse by my mother: she never touched my private areas but during my puberty her attention towards me felt sexual and gross. She also gave me massages that felt sexual and would help me in the shower, despite me being almost a teenager and certainly not needing help.

If my writing looks emotionally flat and therefore not remorseful, it's probably my depression and dissociation of emotions.

The misdeeds I confess here are sexual in nature. I became addicted to porn, and I'm pretty certain, highly perverted compared to the norm and maybe hypersexual. I've always felt afraid of sexual attention in real life though and never had sex.

In my porn addiction I was drawn to things that felt taboo. The worst I would watch regularly was bestiality. I also experimented a few times by looking at girls being swimsuit models around puberty or early teens. I'm not aroused today by children that age and don't think I really was back then either, except for the taboo and a highly perverted curiosity and little self restraint.

When I was around 14-15 a friend of mine told me that his 11-12 year old sister had been caught by their mother with the dog licking her private area. For some reason, I found the pure wrongness of this arousing and for some time afterwards would fantasize about that and eventually that I did what the dog did to her.

This is the worst thing.

My memory is perhaps not fully correct, but this is my best recollection. I was 16 and my mother's boyfriend's 10 year old daughter wanted to use our computer, but to start it a power switch had to be pushed below the table. In my stupidity and complete lack of judgement I hastily said that I could do it. I got beneath the table with the intention to peek at her underwear, as she wore a skirt. I never saw them but instead I crawled out enough and looked at her face as the computer's screen lit up. Because of my dissociation I sometimes had little awareness of how long I could stare at people, so that may have lasted for several seconds. She was a sad kid due to their parents separation and seeing her sad face brought me into the horrifying understanding of what I had just done. I don't know if she felt like anything strange had happened, but I remember that she shifted her sitting position when I looked at her face, so maybe I did make her uncomfortable to some extent.

I feel absolutely horrified and disgusted by what I did. I'm terrified that I may have harmed a child and if so I don't know if I can ever learn to live with myself. Even in the best-case scenario where she didn't think anything was strange had happened, the fact remains that I choosed to engage in covert sexual abuse towards a child.

In my late teens and again in my early-mid 20's I engaged in sexual behavior towards horses. I would sneak into a stable that was unlocked at night and do this. While doing it I had all sorts of emotions, ranging from disgust and self hatred to feeling exhilirated and alive by doing something crazy and forbidden. I don't know what negative effect and harm that could've had on the horses but I hope it did not.

Thanks for reading.
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Re: Confessing my misdeeds

Postby jaus tail » Sun Apr 12, 2020 3:47 pm

hi,

i dont think you've ruined anyone's life in any way. the girl would've forgotten that incident in a fortnight or less. i really dont think you've traumatized anyone.

the horses thing well... be glad the horse didnt kick you or anything. perhaps consult a therapist so you dont repeat these actions.
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Re: Confessing my misdeeds

Postby guest923 » Sat Apr 18, 2020 12:22 am

Whether the girl was hurt/noticed, I've still technically engaged in covert sexual abuse, at an age far, far too old to be excused with me being a child myself.

I can't imagine living a lifetime remembering I have done this deed. And maybe I'm not supposed to either, if it means I have a moral backbone still inside of me.

I'm very sure my behaviour with the horses will never be repeated.

Anyway, thank you for the reply.
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Re: Confessing my misdeeds

Postby jaus tail » Sat Apr 18, 2020 10:30 am

in a way i think its good that your feeling regret and guilt. it means you have a moral compass. what would be worrying if you didnt feel bad.

our mistakes are as bad as the consequences. imagine driving a car in the wrong lane but not causing an accident vs driving a car in the wrong lane n resulting in an accident of two pedestrians.

even i'd done sexual stuff which i regret a lot. what advise was given to me was that:
you havent ruined someone's life
be grateful for it
dont repeat the act again

therapy helped me get another perspective. but yeah each night i wish i hadnt done the sexual acts that i did.
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Re: Confessing my misdeeds

Postby guest923 » Sat Apr 18, 2020 3:02 pm

I appreciate your advice and you replying a lot, so thank you.

I can see how our mistakes are as bad as the consequences, as long as one is aware of what could've happened even if there were no consequences. But I can't imagine moving on even if I caused no harm. I have so called "toxic shame" from childhood trauma, but as I repeated the abuse, I now belong in the category of abusers and will forever have shame from my actions, and ruined my chances of healing.

You must be strong to live with the guilt every day. I hope it becomes easier to carry for you, and maybe some day the advice often said here becomes reality, that guilt should only be felt as a motivator for change, and when changed you can let it go.

Thanks for listening.
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Re: Confessing my misdeeds

Postby jaus tail » Sun Apr 19, 2020 8:49 am

I appreciate your advice and you replying a lot, so thank you.

welcome

You must be strong to live with the guilt every day. I hope it becomes easier to carry for you, and maybe some day the advice often said here becomes reality, that guilt should only be felt as a motivator for change, and when changed you can let it go.

Thanks for listening.


i am far from strong. i live in misery and rage, and pray for death every moment. have been to therapy for year and half, and am still going but the past continues to haunt me.

maybe therapy can help you as well...
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Re: Confessing my misdeeds

Postby guest923 » Sun Apr 19, 2020 3:21 pm

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm in pain too everyday and hate my ######6 guts.

Have you heard about fear and its connection to the ego (in the Buddhist sense)? Maybe a lot of your pain is caused by your ego, and lessening the ego and focusing on what you can do for others and the world can be a way forward? You're clearly already doing this by answering on this forum, but maybe it can be a path for your entire life going forward.

I don't think I can confess this in therapy. I might be put into a register as a possibly dangerous person. The therapy I've had so far has not been very helpful and the therapists themselves seems anxious, depressed, etc.

Has it helped you? Have you spoken about your misdeeds with them?
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Re: Confessing my misdeeds

Postby jaus tail » Thu Apr 23, 2020 4:17 am

yes, i spoke of my misdeeds to my therapist. though it took me 6 months of beating around the bush to finally tell him the truth.

my therapist said: 'one of his clients once did some sexually unwanted stuff to someone else' n the client showed no remorse.

to be very honest and a little blunt: what you've done is bad, but it really didnt ruin anyone's lives. i had a nervous breakdown at 23 because of a gay pass, but now i regret the stuff i did after the nervous breakdown.

i wish i had went to a therapist at 23... now i'm 30 n have pretty much wrecked my career (quit 2 great jobs, 3 terrific opportunities to study in europe) n done terrible stuff to ruin my self respect.

also therapy takes time. it takes 2-3 months (if the client is brutally honest) to figure out what the problem is ... and a further 4-5 months to find the root cause of the problem n then the treatment begins...

but i strongly suggest to go through it now... if u try to cope the issue by urself, it may not go and you'll end up wasting time and energy like i did...
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