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I am remorseful

Open Discussions about Remorse Issues.

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I am remorseful

Postby Manners73 » Sat Mar 07, 2020 6:16 pm

Remorse isn't something I tend to feel much.

I kind of feel justified in my behaviour a lot of the time.

But many years ago I did something that I just can't justify to myself and every now and then the memory of it hits me like a brick.

I stole a wallet from someone and they saw me do it. They actually asked me for it back but I just looked at them and walked away.

There was no real reason for me to do this. I wasn't without food or clothing or a place to stay.

I tell myself that I just did it because at the time I knew no better and there is some truth to that but when I'm hit with the memory of this it just floors me.

I've stole and lied and hurt people all of my life but for some reason this one thing bothers me.

I'm thinking it's because they asked me for it back.
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Re: I am remorseful

Postby Cholls » Sat Mar 07, 2020 8:04 pm

Many of your posts resonate with things I've been thinking.

Lately, I've been experiencing waves of crippling remorse for my almost textbook life of Conduct Disorder followed by ASPD. I've behaved badly for a long time.

However, looking back at each incident, I'd probably feel similar if not identical hostility towards the same people all over again. The only thing different would be my response.

As I've seen posted often on schizoid forums, the problems arose because I forced myself to be someone I wasn't. I've never liked people (in general), but believed I ought to be social.
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Re: I am remorseful

Postby Manners73 » Sat Mar 07, 2020 8:28 pm

I don't know how old you are but I heard somewhere that aspd types get a kind of accumulated anxiety during their 40's.

Not sure how true this may be but I never had anxiety until I was in my 40's and I certainly never felt any kind of guilt or remorse for anything.
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Re: I am remorseful

Postby Cholls » Sat Mar 07, 2020 9:49 pm

Thank you, I had been wondering whether the waves of remorse might be part of general life changes; they've come on so suddenly.

My past behavior for which I currently feel remorse all came about in response to the same feeling of threat. I directed it at anyone around me whom I didn't like.

This threat has hovered in the back of my mind for decades, but only recently have I been able to acknowledge and to examine it, it was that menacing.

I've finally begun to address the threat at its core, which has taken some doing. Simultaneously, I've become able to acknowledge that my past behavior was unwarranted. Yes, I secretly detested everyone I attacked, stole from, etc. However, today, although I'm almost certain I'd still loathe the same people, I know I would behave differently in some cases.

And identically in others. Recently, I was in what I perceived as a threatening situation, and lashed out at the other person, who had several of the traits that ignite my substantial inner hostility. I enjoyed being brutal just as much as ever. It practically made me salivate.

Why isn't "hit man" a legitimate career option? Fitting in to society is much, much, much, much harder. Try as I might, I don't know if I can do it.

You've been through WAY more than I have and feel like being kind. That's really something.
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Re: I am remorseful

Postby DoDecaDon » Sat Mar 07, 2020 9:57 pm

Do you think it was because you were caught and not because you feel remorse? Do you try to project a specific image to people? Maybe you are annoyed at yourself for being so obvious about stealing their wallet?
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Re: I am remorseful

Postby Manners73 » Sun Mar 08, 2020 8:08 am

I read somewhere that survivors of trauma often minimise thier abuse in comparison to others.

You must have gone through certain trauma significant enough to make you feel so much loathing for other people.

I actually like most people. I still enjoy hurting them but I enjoy them as people as well.

I'm a bit simple in a sense that I think I can just apologise and it'll all be forgotten.

I abused my long term partner of 15 years by using this method. Maybe I might feel remorse for that one day too.
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Re: I am remorseful

Postby DoDecaDon » Fri Mar 13, 2020 9:54 am

My apologies Manners73 that was not meant as an attack, it made sense to me logically that's why I asked. I was not trying to attack you, and I am glad you are starting to connect with your feelings.
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Re: I am remorseful

Postby Manners73 » Sun Mar 22, 2020 12:47 pm

No offence taken.
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