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I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

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I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby Bonxerher » Fri Jan 31, 2020 8:35 am

A couple of months ago, I attended a small house party as a lone guy with about 6-7 girls. The plan was to smoke, drink, have some fun and watch a few movies. I was new to this sort of thing so I had no idea how much of this stuff I should be doing. They egged me on and I quickly took my 6th shot (vodka). Then, they called me out to come smoke with them. I took some big hits, and everything hit me at once. I laid back on the couch and started hallucinating. Eventually, I was jolted awake and started puking all over the floor. I ran outside, laid in the grass, and got a ride to a friends house. This is all I remember happening that night.

The next morning, I message one of the girls apologizing profusely about the trouble I caused and offered to pay her for the ride. I then got a message from another one of the girls. "You molested me last night. I don't feel comfortable talking to you and I hope you understand". As you could guess, I was in complete disbelief. I explained that I didn't remember, but that I believe her and have no excuse for my behavior. I wrote a sincere apology letter letting her know that I don't expect a response or forgiveness, and that she could take as much time and space as she needed to recover.

The regret and shame I felt for the next month was almost unbearable. Firstly, knowing that I emotionally damaged someone, ruined some of my best friendships, and caused so much grief was a terrible burden. However, what really pushed me over the edge was the response of some of my best friends. I told them about everything that happened to try to get it off of my chest, but this was a mistake. Any time I would criticize them, make any reference to relationships, sex, or women in general, they would bring it up and call me a sex offender or rapist. At one point my friend said that the event just shows that deep down, I'm just a #######5 person. And the more I think about it the more correct he seems. I haven't been able to get myself out of bed many days, and when I do, I'm extremely unproductive. If I move on from this, does it mean I really am a bad person?

I finally worked up the courage to ask about what happened that night recently. Apparently, I tried (I don't know if I managed to or not) to put my hands down her shirt, even when she said "no" and "stop" many times

Not having anyone to talk to about this makes it so much more painful. I have become the worst possible version of myself. Even murderers and thieves pride themselves on not committing sexual crimes, so what does that make me?

I still see her around sometimes, and she seems so normal. I still hear her talking about all the parties she goes to and the people she hooks up with, but I can't shake the feeling that I damaged her. Should I try to move on from this, and if so, how?
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Re: I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby jaus tail » Sat Feb 01, 2020 2:18 pm

i dont think your friends are being helpful. you should stay away from them as their being judgmental and hitting you where it hurts with those comments.

only she can say whether you have ruined her life. maybe you could write her another letter or an email apologizing again for what you've done.
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Re: I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby sprock » Sat Feb 01, 2020 8:12 pm

I can see what you're saying Jaus, but I worry that puts pressure back onto the victim. It does sound as though your friends might be saying these things in order to make themselves look and feel better in comparison - as with murderers in prison, it's a kind of socially sanctioned moral "one-upmanship" that has little to do with striving to be a better person and all to do with wanting someone to identify against in order to avoid having to focus on one's own flaws and do the work of change.

It may be better if you just hold onto the friends who are comfortable being your friend without engaging in such tactics. It might be best anyway to abandon mutual friends with your victim so as to reduce the chances she might encounter you in person or online and feel upset or triggered.

Personally I feel like, having apologied, contacting her again would be more for you own sake than her's and so should be resisted/avoided. However, if you do, I also feel (and remember, this is just my opinion so please take it as such and not as universal whatsoever) you should offer to turn yourself into the authorities if she is interested in pursuing that path to show that you are interested in accountability and atonement. In general, however, I think it would be better //not// to message her again, but others might disagree.

Kind regards,
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Re: I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby Bonxerher » Sun Feb 09, 2020 5:18 am

sprock wrote:Personally I feel like, having apologied, contacting her again would be more for you own sake than her's and so should be resisted/avoided.


I completely agree with this point, but it eats at me every day. What did I actually do? Is she actually okay, or have I caused permanent damage? I could never imagine myself doing something so disgusting, but all of the articles I've read say that our morals don't change when we're under the influence.

At every turn my brain tries to make excuses. "If you weren't conscious enough to be able to stand upright or drink a glass of water, how could you have the mental capacity to understand the situation you were in or the people you were hurting?" is the most common one, then my brain does a 180 and immediately criticizes itself for even considering that I wasn't completely at fault. I just want to know how much this situations reflect on my true self.

Secondly, about the suggestion to offer to turn myself in to the authorities. I offered a couple of times to turn myself in (not directly to her, but to her friends who was there that night), and said that nobody, including me, would blame her if she wished to take it up with the authorities. Should I offer again? I had some decent plans for life, but I feel like those are out the window at this point. A felony would exclude me from most job offers. I'm starting to feel extremely hopeless at this point, and this piled on top of the extreme remorse I feel for what I did that night is terrible.

Please take this question seriously and don't answer without legitimately considering (I know you guys have to have a supportive environment, so please tell it to me straight): Should I end it all? I've commited a felony, which by itself makes my future bleak. I'm a sex offender before I'm even out of junior year, and I've lost many of my close friends. There's a good chance I will be completely outcast soon. My grades are falling and I'm tired. If I move on from this, it's like i never cared in the first place that i emotionally scarred this girl. What should i do?
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Re: I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby jaus tail » Sun Feb 09, 2020 1:20 pm

i was abused n one act didnt emotionally scar me. its the repeated acts of abuse that changed my thoughts n did the damage (seeking validation always, sex addict).
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Re: I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby sprock » Wed Feb 12, 2020 3:45 pm

Bonxerher wrote:Should I end it all? I've commited a felony, which by itself makes my future bleak. I'm a sex offender before I'm even out of junior year, and I've lost many of my close friends. There's a good chance I will be completely outcast soon. My grades are falling and I'm tired. If I move on from this, it's like i never cared in the first place that i emotionally scarred this girl. What should i do?


Absolutely not. Nothing would be gained from doing so apart from more pain... yes, it *might* mean the end of your consciousness, but it certainly doesn't resolve the situation and wouldn't lead to healing... indeed, it would highly likely make the woman in question and many others feel much worse.

You shouldn't catastrophise in terms of thinking about "what if?" you are found guilty of a felony and then, indeed, of what would happen after that. If you have clearly offered to turn yourself in, as you have stated, then that is now out of your hands and a possibility you need to learn to sit with (please take it from me).

In terms of forgiveness, that is down to the individual victim and pressure should not be put on her to do so. Really the opinions of others are not nearly so relevant.

In terms of moving on... it's tricky... I wouldn't say I've "moved on" exactly from what I did 11 years ago. It's still something I think about every day and is something I inform new friends (and, indeed, have informed my new partner) about. However, I'm able to think about it without falling into complete panic or apathy. Mostly through a decade of meditation and volunteering I have learned to be able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror once again. I would never say I'm a good person, but I am ultimately a human being, as are you.
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Re: I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby m00m33mii » Sat Feb 22, 2020 3:42 pm

Honestly you seem like a decent conscientious person. Your friends sound like they’re being rather cruel. I don’t say that to say, end your friendships. But I’d talk to them about how it makes you feel and that you honestly have no recollection and this has been really hard on you. Clearly it has been.

This story really doesn’t sit well with me though. I feel like if a girl went to a party with 6 guys and got blackout drunk and after the fact got accused of aggressive and lewd behaviour she couldn’t recall, eyebrows would be raised and she’d be assumed to have actually been the victim. And that’s not unreasonable, and I understand that statistically that’s more likely to the the case when it comes to gender and the roles of victim/perp. But I have concerns around how this has been handled.

Have you spoken to anyone else who attended the party? What’s their recollection? Do everyone’s accounts of what happened line up? Have any of the other attendees spoken to you? What have they said? Does it add up?

These kinds of situations are to be handled with care and sensitivity. But it is important to establish what we know to be true vs what we’ve heard multiplied by what we believe further exasperated by our own anxiety.

The trouble is you don’t actually know what did or didn’t happen, or if anything happened to you even. But I’d be suspicious of a situation in which I was encouraged to drink heavily and get high, and then I was told that I was being overtly sexual. Behaviour that’s a bit odd from a mixture of alcohol and weed that usually has the affect of mellowing someone out.

I’d advise seeking therapy, I think it could be really useful to work through all of your feelings with a professional.

As for the legal side of things. That to me would only serve to further agitate an already uncomfortable situation. I honestly couldn’t see a case like that amounting to anything, and on the off chance t somehow did. I think it would be a historic miscarriage of justice to accept a confession or admission of guilt based upon a missing memory that’s been fed to the defendant. Again, I don’t think this route would benefit anyone concerned or be a realistic solution to anything.

I think you’ve shown kindness and compassion for others in believing someone who told you you hurt them in some way and expressing your sincere regret and apologies. Your life isn’t ruined, you’re not an awful unforgivable person, you’re a human being. Try not to despair so deeply, it serves no one. If we’re to assume you’ve been told the truth about what happened, you handled the situation well with empathy and decency.

I once had a friend who got blackout drunk in her birthday back in her teen years, she made aggressive advances on another friend, also female. In the morning it was regrettable and a bit embarrassing, but our friendship group didn’t demonise her. And it doesn’t sound like this girl is trying to demonise you, honestly just sound like she was kinda uncomfortable and wants some distance. Sounds like your friends are making you feel worse.

I’ve rambled on a bit, but I hope I’ve given you a few things to consider. I hope you start to feel better and be a bit kinder to yourself.
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Re: I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby Bonxerher » Mon Mar 02, 2020 7:09 pm

m00m33mii wrote:Honestly you seem like a decent conscientious person. Your friends sound like they’re being rather cruel. I don’t say that to say, end your friendships. But I’d talk to them about how it makes you feel and that you honestly have no recollection and this has been really hard on you. Clearly it has been.

This story really doesn’t sit well with me though. I feel like if a girl went to a party with 6 guys and got blackout drunk and after the fact got accused of aggressive and lewd behaviour she couldn’t recall, eyebrows would be raised and she’d be assumed to have actually been the victim. And that’s not unreasonable, and I understand that statistically that’s more likely to the the case when it comes to gender and the roles of victim/perp. But I have concerns around how this has been handled.

Have you spoken to anyone else who attended the party? What’s their recollection? Do everyone’s accounts of what happened line up? Have any of the other attendees spoken to you? What have they said? Does it add up?

These kinds of situations are to be handled with care and sensitivity. But it is important to establish what we know to be true vs what we’ve heard multiplied by what we believe further exasperated by our own anxiety.


While I would normally be more inquisitive about a situation like this, it seemed pretty clear from the way the aftermath was handled that I had done something terrible, and that they were being extremely kind considering the circumstances. I had the gall a few weeks after to ask one of them what I did, and they said I groped her breasts repeatedly when she said no several times. If they truly had ill intentions, they could have had me ostracized, beaten, and sent to prison. They could have left me on the side of the road, but they got me a ride to a friends house and made sure I was safe.
Of course I would love to hear that it was all a lie, that I hadn't emotionally hurt this girl, and that everything could go back to the way it was. It really doesn't seem like a possibility, though. At all. All I can hope for is that they don't think of it as often as I do, because even as the antagonist in this story it makes me sick to my stomach several times a day.

The only thing I can do now is move on.
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Re: I molested someone, but can't remember any of it.

Postby m00m33mii » Fri Mar 06, 2020 8:23 pm

Obviously despite the gap in your memory, you still have a far greater knowledge of the situation and people involved than I ever will. So all I can offer is interpretation and thoughts.

I’d still advise against catastrophic thinking, people aren’t jailed for first time offences often. Even for violent/physical crimes. That’s such an unlikely extreme, especially without evidence and with the defendant’s confession being based on what they’ve been told had happened by other people. It would be a weak case. Regardless of what did or didn’t happen, that’s a wildly unlikely outcome that would honestly be unduly stressful for everyone involved.

I understand why you feel so bad, it’s definitely something to regret and will take time to process. But it’s not your end. You’d be surprised how common is is for people, guys and girls to behave in lewd and outlandish ways when drunk. Unfortunately this sounds like a case where things had a bigger impact on those involved than usual.

Learn your limits with drinking etc., surround yourself with compassionate people and take care of yourself.
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