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I dont even know who I am anymore

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I dont even know who I am anymore

Postby Horrible » Tue Dec 17, 2019 8:16 pm

I keep checking to make sure im not turned on, and im not. But now I am afraid I am attracted to little girls wearing their swimsuits. I checked to make sure I wasn't turned on and again I wasn't, but the pictures look so sexualized and I feel disgusted by it. Another intrusive thought came up as well,
Possible trigger:
it was about me creating a child porn forum or making an account for one to become a child pornstar and upload videos of myself masturbating. Back in August 2 years back, I went to a site and I didn't make an account out of fear but I was so curious what it would be like, but then the guilt kicked in and I decided to report the site. I am afraid that I will masturbate to children, both pictures and thoughts and act on them.

So I decided to place every preventive measure for it. I am not turned on by the thoughts or pictures, but I got suicidal over the times I used to masturbate to pictures of nudist kids ages 2-15 years old and fanatasied about them peeing or someone painting their genital area when I was 12-13. I don't want to be a pedophile, it took control of my life. I want to catastrate myself, become a female, or just pull the gun and give up with everything. I am unpopular in school and I don't have much friends so that also effects me too. I hate pedophiles, and those memories ruined my good memories. Even during those times I thought I wasn't a pedophile. Is it possible I could be a pedophile in denial? What do I do if I AM a pedophile? I dont know how I could live with being attracted to children, the thought of it reviles me.. I just think I should end it before I become a pedophile
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Re: I dont even know who I am anymore

Postby avatar123 » Sat Dec 21, 2019 5:36 am

This sounds like you're looping obsessively, with intrusive thoughts in a repetitive cycle that's hard to disrupt. Would it help if you gave yourself an unrelated distraction or project to focus on, to give yourself a break from this? Or talk to a professional that could help you break the cycle?

The thing about looping is that it can become a substitute for reality, since it's all you ever think about. Your brain becomes conditioned to go there, even if it's not representative of who you are. From your description, it doesn't sound like this obsession is being driven by anything more than the obsession itself. In that sense, it's artificial but also self-sustaining. I don't think you would have those thoughts, apart from being worried about having those thoughts. So breaking out of this cycle is the key.

Maybe if you remind yourself of the artificial nature of it (it isn't real), that would help you break away long enough to focus on something else for awhile, and give your mind a rest from the repetition. If you can do that, you'll probably feel much better and it won't be so much of a pressing concern.

I realize this is easier said than done, but maybe worth a try? It should get easier with time as the repetition diminishes, since it's driven mostly by repetition.
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Re: I dont even know who I am anymore

Postby NeverHadAChance » Sat Dec 21, 2019 7:52 pm

I think your fear of being a pedophile is making your mind keep coming back and trying to make REALLY REALLY sure that you're not one, because of how badly you don't want to be one. It's paradoxical, the more afraid you are of it, the more your mind challenges you on it because it seems too easy to just drop it.

You might notice the same pattern in other things that are important to you. I experienced this too with a different fear. For a long time, I was afraid of causing a car accident when driving and I started obsessing. I would get paralysed with fear and would often drive back, numerous times in a row, to where I was when the fear struck me, just to make sure no accident occurred. I kept imagining like I killed someone, and had to circle back all the time to check. And each time I checked it was obvious that nothing had happened, yet I kept on doubting myself again after a bit of time!

This is a very common kind of OCD. You are completely crippled with this fear to the point of dysfunction. This happens to people with high conscientiousness, meaning you want very badly to do the right thing but you don't feel like you did enough to make sure of it.

I read and replied to your other posts and I am not lying to you just to make you feel better when I say: you are really not a pedophile. When you visit those messed up forums, it's like someone with a fear of fire holding a lighter and flicking it on and off, shaking in fear the moment the flame comes on and eventually dropping the lighter on the floor.

When we think of virtues like discipline or courage, we feel like we have to accept and overcome a difficult challenge (taking the "hard" road). You are trying to face this fear but when you challenge yourself, you're making it worse. Sometimes the "easier" road is better than the hard one. In this case the "easy" or "lazy" option - really accept you're not a pedophile - is the truth. You might feel guilty for being "lazy" and start thinking "maybe that guy on the Internet is wrong! maybe I really am a pedo, I feel like I have to test it." But ironically the self-challenges get you closer to doing something bad. You really have to stop testing it, because that's playing with fire.

To relate this to my example of my fear of driving: if I kept panicking with fear and circling back like a maniac with my heart racing, doing that might have made me cause an accident after all! Or imagine someone afraid of being a pyromaniac: if he keeps playing with the lighter just to test his fear, he may just cause a fire!
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