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I cant live with my past actions

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I cant live with my past actions

Postby Bird123 » Sat Nov 30, 2019 8:31 pm

Please note none of these are sexual related so not sure if this is the correct section based on the other topics

I have huge guilt from some of my past actions which are just evil and I cant live with myself. I dont want to go into detail because even typing it out is difficult

Around when I was 11/12 a family lived with us who had a 4 year old. The family were so nice but I didnt like them living with us, particularly their child and I'd made this obvious in how I acted towards them. However, I'd done something so vile and disgusting to one of the child's possessions behind their back it could have left them seriously ill. People online have done something similar but under different ccircumstances not to an innocent child. We still know the family and child, who I can't bear looking at knowing what I did

I've regretted this for years but in similar situations I've repeated these actions at an older age, not to those extremes and not to children but still terrible

I tried making a thread about my dog a few years ago but it didnt post. It was quite extensive but I dont want to go into detail here. To make it worse I was 17-19 at the time so i should have know far better in how I mistreated him. The dog is still alive and healthy and I have not repeated any of these actions in the last few years.

Now in my mid 20s I can't live with myself, my family worry I dont have friends anymore, no girlfriend and no social skills/life. I am a virgin but I dont care about any of these things because I dont deserve them. I'm scared to tell them about how much of a monster I was/am because it would devastate them

My family was loving growing up, my brother was a little rough and a lot older than me but who didnt have an older brother like that. I lost all my friends slowly as they started bullying me but I cant blame them for doing it and these are not excuses

I would kill myself if I wasnt so scared, the people in this section are good people who acted on naivety at an early age. While I was just plain evil.
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Re: I cant live with my past actions

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Wed Dec 04, 2019 1:20 pm

Bird123 wrote:I'm scared to tell them about how much of a monster I was/am...


You reference things in the past tense and say in one context that you "have not repeated any of these actions in the last few years," and you're obviously plagued with regret and self loathing, so what makes you think you're a "monster" currently?

Bird123 wrote:the people in this section are good people who acted on naivety at an early age. While I was just plain evil.


I'm also trying to understand why you're "plain evil" while everyone else in this section are "good people who acted on naivety ..."?
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