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My past is haunting me

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My past is haunting me

Postby Mards97 » Sat Nov 09, 2019 11:03 pm

My week has been very hard to get through, I suffer from anxiety and take medication to somewhat even me out. But this time it’s so much different I have a lot of stuff going around in my head. To better understand my situation I’ll lay out my entire story. When I was eight years old I went on a camping trip with my fathers side of the family and I was a kid that had ADHD and acted out a lot. On this camping trip my oldest cousin who I think was 12 at the time took me into his tent and groped me as well as forced himself on me. At first I was scared but this wasn’t the only time He had done this, later that night we slept in the same tent and he once again did the same thing. Over time he continued to do this at one point in his bedroom and once more during Christmas. It happened so much that I started to normalize it and I almost feel terrible for saying that I enjoyed the things he did. As time went on I noticed that his brother (my cousin) we would do the same thing to each other. We never had any adult supervision as they were always leaving us to play and hangout on our own.
I lived with my mom and stepfather and my mom at the time was an addict and my stepfather wasn’t really there for me. When we lived with my stepfathers family, I went into my little cousins room and did the same thing to him as my oldest cousin did to me. I feel absolutely terrible now that I’m older and reflecting on my mistakes. I’m such a horrible person. I now realize that what was going on wasn’t normal but I feel so sick to my stomach. It’s been about 9 years since I did this at the time I was 11 and he was 2 and I know he doesn’t even remember but I’m so terrible.
I’m so scared to talk to a psychologist cause I don’t want to be a sex offender for something I did as a child. I told my mom about it and she was very understanding and also felt terrible because she was never there for me.
But I feel like I’m at fault for everything I did. I can’t stop replaying scenarios in my head and thinking about my future and how horrible it will be if this got out. I’m so scared and I feel guilty.
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Re: My past is haunting me

Postby sprock » Sun Nov 10, 2019 5:54 pm

I think you need to accept and internalise that you were a child and a victim acting out abuse done to you... this doesn't excuse your behaviour, but I think you can judge your "self" (which is a construct and a complex, changing thing) separately from your actions. It certainly does not feel fair to me to have you labelling yourself forever as a horrible person. I'm glad you were able to tell your mom and she was supportive. I think it might well be worth braving a psychologist, but I do understand/appreciate why you are reticent and wary.
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