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child sibling abuse - in a bad place with guilt and remorse

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child sibling abuse - in a bad place with guilt and remorse

Postby inpain20 » Wed Nov 06, 2019 5:45 pm


I write here for the first time since Im going through a rough time mentally. When I was between 11 and 13 (cant remember exactly), I touched my little sisters. One was two years younger, and the other 8. What I can remember is that I touched my two year younger sister breats a few times (2-4, cant remember). I didnt ask her to touch me, or exposed myself to her. I would approach her, kiss her in the cheeks/neck, and touch her breats. It was mainly over her clothes, but once I tried to touch her under. At that point she pushed me away, and I snapped. I realized it was wrong, and never did it again. Before that time, my sister would just lie there, without struggle, so I never thought much of my actions. With my younger sister, it was mainly touching her ass, and kinda having her dry humping over my leg. Same as with my other sister, it happened 2-4 times, and I never did anything beyond what I mentioned. (There was never penetration of any kind, nor genital play)Both events were happening around the same time, and I snapped with her when she one thought it was a game. I felt terrible, and never again.

I remember that I mainly did this for sexual gratification, as I would orgasm. It was around the time I discovered porn and masturbation, so I think it could be related. After these events, I never tried anything similar through my teens or adulthood (Im mid twenties now, so it happened at least over 12-13 years ago). My parents never knew about this, and my sisters never said a word either. I have a healthy relationship with both, and we hang out a lot. I kind of buried these memories, and it was last year something triggered me and I realized for the first time that what I did was abuse, and that it could have a big effect on them that I am not aware. This guilt is eating me, and thats why I feel the need to share and seek guidance. Do I deserve to move on? Be happy? I dont know. I confessed my mother about this last year, and while she didnt take it very well, she believes that everything happened due my young age and sexual awakening. She did advise me to go to therapy and talk about it, which I did. It has helped, but recently the guilt came back ( I was fine for a few months).

I have not confronted my sister about this, and im not sure if I ever will. Our relationship is good, and thankfully the events never escalated. Most likely my younger sister doesnt even remember. Ive never had a relationship, and neither have them, so part of me thinks it is my fault (at least for me I know this ###$ me up).

Thank you for listening, talking openly about this has helped me right now a bit.
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Re: child sibling abuse - in a bad place with guilt and remorse

Postby sprock » Sun Nov 10, 2019 5:43 pm

Thank you for your post. It must have taken some courage to tell your mother about what you did as a child. I think, she the guilt has come back, it might be worth going back into therapy. Please remember to talk to yourself about this as you would a 11-13 year-old kid - seriously, yes, maybe even sternly, but certainly not with the kind of condemnation you are giving yourself. Would you tell a child of that age they deserved to feel guilty forever?
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