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I repeated the cycle as a child Can anyone help me, please?

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I repeated the cycle as a child Can anyone help me, please?

Postby wishescrumbledown » Sun Nov 03, 2019 8:31 pm

Thank you for taking the time to read this. My mind is spiraling out of control again with a mix of fears for the future, guilt and suicidal ideation.

When I was little, ages 6-8 I'd say, I strongly believe I was molested, probably raped. I believe my dad did it to me. I've blocked out most memories, but I remember waking up in a haze looking at his penis as he urinates, we're both in the same bed together in our underwear, and I don't know where my mom or sister are.

After this event, for years, until puberty I would have images pop into my mind about fellating him.

I had a horrible relationship with sex up until puberty and then after. At age 9 or 10 I'd picture machines forcing me and another girl to have intercourse. Nobody had ever explained what sex was to me, so having these thoughts can't have been normal.

My first sexual experiences were mutual with a cousin. Unfortunately, we teased each other for months before being found out and stopping.

After this another family member and I who I suspect was also molested kept asking me to show him my penis. We showed each other once.

In comes another family member, this is what has me here today.

When I was about 13 or 14 we had a sleepover. He was about 2 or 3 years younger and we were very close. While he was asleep next to me, I placed his hand on my private parts and rubbed for a few moments. I stopped myself, somewhere inside realizing what I was doing was wrong. I had no idea at the time just what I was doing.

For an hour I stayed awake until the sun came up. He was still sleeping. I kept trying to check it he was awake but he didn't wake up until a bit later.

I never did anything like this again. Here after, when I was in high school and down the line I tried to have normal relationships as best I could.

This was 16 years ago.

About 2 years ago he posted on Facebook about how somebody at his workplace had groped him, he tried to call them out and have them fired.

He told his dad, who went to my mom and said he couldn't come over that day because his son was telling him he was sexually abused. When I learned of this, I had a mental breakdown and was stuck in bed for months. I almost died, I was sick from not eating, malnourishing myself.

My mom then began speculating it happened to him when we was younger, which is part of what sent me mentally through spirals. Even though it was the same week he said his coworker groped him... :(

Today, 2 years later, my family was sitting around speculating what is wrong with that family member (he told me in secret he's homosexual, schizoid personality and bipolar) and one chimed in and said "I bet he was molested" to which my mom responded, "I heard he was!" like it was some fun gossip topic. She said she suspects it was one of his mom's old boyfriend's.

I just know he was asleep at that time. The same week he came out as sexually abused was the same week the coworker groped him.

But I feel so guilty and feel like everything is my fault. His diseases, his struggles, his therapy.

We are closer than ever but I can't help but worry he knows, and that I've caused him pain, that this will explode one of these days.

My childhood was taken from me, and learning how I victimized someone else makes me no better. Whereas I could be getting help for my issues and stolen childhood, here I sit not deserving to draw breath anymore as a monster.

I don't know what to do, or how to feel better. Please help me... :(
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Re: I repeated the cycle as a child Can anyone help me, please?

Postby Ixion » Sun Nov 03, 2019 9:22 pm

It sounds like you're going through a really hard time right now, if it helps, I think I know how you feel as I can relate to feeling so remorseful for something in your childhood that no longer represents who you are today as an adult.

From reading your post it sounds like you've recognised two things, firstly, what you did to your cousin was wrong and should not be repeated, and secondly, that in all probability you are not responsible for your family member's current problems and they are probability unaware of the event that is haunting you.

This is important because while it's your burden to feel remorseful for the things you did, it's absolutely not your burden to feel remorseful for the things you didn't do. You aren't the source of their pain, and you shouldn't take that on your shoulders because you know of this related wrong you did them.

That said, what you're going through is difficult and there is no easy way out. It will take time and accepting that you can not change the past to deal with the knowledge that you have done something you now find to be a serious moral lapse. Try to take some comfort from the fact that you were a child at the time. Most societies in the world consider children to be not fully responsible for their actions, and for good reason. Your brain doesn't finish developing until you're in your mid twenties, and for most of your teens hormones are bubbling over too.

This shouldn't excuse what you've done, but trust me when I say I know this is easier to say than it is to internalise, no matter what you've done, if you're truly not the same person anymore, then it's okay to move on from this and leave it behind. You've done the most important thing that needs to be done, you have rehabilitated yourself. You can not change the past, your family member is unaware of the wrong your did to them and will not benefit from having it brought up just for your sense of closure. That means that this event is, for all intents and purposes, just a bad memory now.

Make a conscious effort to let it go, accept that the remorse will be part of your thought processes for a while, and just take each day at a time. You might not feel like you deserve to get better, or that you'll feel like a monster for the rest of your life, but time really is a great healer.
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Re: I repeated the cycle as a child Can anyone help me, please?

Postby NeverHadAChance » Wed Nov 06, 2019 6:18 pm

Ixion's response is pure truth.

I would add that you were already punished far worse than you deserve. What happened to you in the first place, which caused you to make that mistake, is far worse than the mistake you made. You're one of the victims in this story.

More generally, in my book if an adult teaches a child wrong behavior he or she is 100% responsible if the child then does it. What the adult did to you though is so much worse than that.
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